And The Winner Of This Year's Oscar For Best Actor Goes To... Enda Kenny!

By Charley Brady

Oh boy, what a week. Not for the obvious reasons, even. Not for the trial of Oscar Pistorious or even Enda Kenny delivering his big apology. I'm putting that one off as long as I possibly can because that's one that you have to work up to. Otherwise you'll end up with an ulcer.

But what about Gerry Adams, Tweeter Supreme? Is that right, by the way? Is it Tweeter or Twitter, I'm never sure; plus my head begins to hurt and I feel a massive brain embolism coming on when I even think about it.

I'm not all that well up on this Social Networking malarkey, being one of those old dinosaurs who hasn't quite gotten his ancient lizard head around it yet. I'm still back in the primordial swamp. I mean, I set up a Twitter account about six months back and I have used it a total of once. Once. What are you supposed to say on these things? "Just had breakfast, had corn flakes with a few raisins thrown in because they're good for my health." Who on earth would be interested? Even if it was true. I never have things that are good for my heath. Where would be the fun in that?

But Gerry? And I AM talking about THE Gerry Adams. He has taken to this like a tentacle to a Lovecraft character. He's rambling on about seeing clouds of daffodils whilst out for a refreshing meander in the woods... and how much he loves his teddy bears? What in the name of all that is unholy is that about? And one of his teddy bears is in a relationship with another teddy bear of which Gerry approves?

It's at this point that I start to think that maybe Sinead O'Connor is sane after all. Hell, in comparison to this maybe I'M playing with a full deck.

Leaving Gerry and his bathtub ducks aside (another tweet) I am writing this on Sunday evening which means that the Oscars are on in the wee small hours, Galway time. I'll just have a moment before I meet the deadline tomorrow to see how well it turned out but you can imagine my excitement. Yes, that's that thing called 'sarcasm'.

Apart from stuff like avoiding reading Gerry Adams's Tweets the one thing that I do like are movies. Which is why I am of course not normally interested in the Oscars.

I doubt that there is a film fan that is. I'm not sure who votes on which film wins at these things every year - OK, I know, it's the Academy of Luvvies - but I'm pretty sure that they don't look at too many films for the rest of the year. If they did we wouldn't see such nonsense being given Oscars year in and out, with some honourable exceptions of course.

I always imagine people who go to the movies that are nominated as the equivalent of the twice-a-year-drinkers who torment normal people by getting stupid drunk on the dreaded St. Patrick's Day and Christmas.

In my time I have snoozed through quite a few Oscar winners. "Chariots of Fire" springs in a slow-motion run to mind. So does "Ordinary People". Correct me if I'm wrong, because I know that you will, but didn't that win in the year that a masterpiece like "Raging Bull" was left out? Please, don't get me started.

It's not always correct but as a general rule of thumb, if I see that such-and-such has been nominated for 12 Oscars it's time to say: "Sorry, love, I'd really like to see it but I'll be rearranging my sock drawer that night."

The reason I'm going on about this? Well, the great Daniel Day-Lewis has been nominated this year and I suppose will probably win. I love Day-Lewis. He is just the consummate actor whenever he puts in an all-too-rare appearance. But come on, are you really going to tell me that "Lincoln" wasn't the last word in sleep-a-thons?

It took me two days to get back the little bit of sanity I have left after watching that episode of "The Lives of the Saints." Doctors shouldn't be prescribing pills for insomniacs; they should just be pointing them in the direction of the most self-important film ever made. You can be damned well sure that they'll be sleeping after that.

If my wish comes true (and we'll know at the bottom of this column) then it will go to Denzel Washington for his astonishing portrayal of Whip, the alcoholic pilot of "Flight". It is an extraordinary piece of acting. In fact I forgot that he even WAS acting. I'd give it best Original Screenplay as well. Although Tarantino's "Django Unchained" is probably the most purely enjoyable film of the ones I've seen. I like Ben Affleck's "Argo" a lot as well.

Another one I would have thrown in there is the brilliant "Arbitrage" starring Richard Gere in his best ever role. This film is so topical that if you closed your eyes and changed a couple of names you would have thought you were watching a movie about dodgy bank dealing in Ireland. Brilliant. No wonder it wasn't nominated.

The one film in the last few months that really knocked me out was "Beasts of the Southern Wild" but unless you're just willing to take something a little different, a little off-beat then I don't recommend it. If you ARE willing to take that step then you are in for a treat. It is told through the extraordinary imagination of this little six-year-old kid (she has an even better imagination than Gerry Adams and that's saying something) who is living in an isolated bayou community. She's played by the youngest actress ever to be nominated - she's nine now, called Quvernzhane Wallis - and she makes this film. "The Life of Pi" I can't comment on because I haven't seen it yet.

Who will the Best Actress go to? Oh that's a tough one.

Helen Hunt for "The Sessions", another beautiful piece of work? Well, at least I had assumed she was nominated for a brilliant performance but it seems not. Although why John Hawkes also wasn't nominated for the same film will just have to remain one of Oscar-land's many mysteries. However, I've just heard about Emmanuelle Riva being in for "Amour" which seems to have missed Galway. Or maybe just missed me.

If I was going to give a 'running close second' in the Best Actress Awards it would probably be for Jennifer Lawrence in the likable "Silver Linings Playbook". But apart from the fact that she's a terrific actress that's probably because I just fancy her like mad.

Jennifer, I look forward to you taking out a barring order against me any day soon now. Unless you win, then you will be taking out the barring order even earlier.

Or will it be Jessica Chastain for "Zero Dark Thirty"? I believe that this film is causing more trouble on your side of the Atlantic than it has here. As for myself, unlike "The Never Ending Story" - sorry I mean "Lincoln" - I just didn't feel the time going at all. I know that there is all this controversy in the States as to whether or not director Kathryn Bigelow condoned torture in some scenes. As I've written elsewhere it seems to me that showing torture is a hell of a long way from condoning it. Anyway, Naomi Wolf has had a go at the director because of it and that alone is enough for me to take Bigelow's side. When a person as smug, complacent and annoying as Wolf is cheesed off with you, then you know that you must be doing something right.

I haven't seen "Les Miserables" and have this overwhelming urge never to see it for some reason, so I can't comment on that one either. That's another in the 'sock drawer rearranging, have to wash the hair' compartment of things that must be done in order to avoid at all costs. I suppose I'm probably just not a musicals person. Unless it's "Open air Oklahoma!" of course.

OK. I've put it off for long enough but I can feel the perspiration breaking out on my forehead, the possible ulcer and the palpitations in my heart; so I guess that it must be time to look into the abyss and address as briefly as possible the two-week-late apology from our Beloved Leader and Taoiseach Enda Kenny.

He has said that he's sorry for the terrible abuse suffered by the ladies of the Magdalene Laundries and has even managed a little hitch in his throat. However, thanks to all who sent in some comments on his performance. And that's what I think that it was: a politician's performance, pure and simple.

Mr. Foley in Dublin, nice to hear from you again: "I know that you like to put a bet on at Oscar time but this year my bet is on Enda Kenny, the Best Actor in a fiction role. What a performance, that 'tears and choking' scene".

Couldn't agree with you more but we do seem to be in the minority. Although Mr. Durney in Kildare expanded on the theme a little: "I'd say Kenny probably had that script prepared for him about a week ago and spent at least five hours a day reading it back to himself whilst staring into a mirror to practise the crocodile tears moment. No wonder that Europe have been..."

Unfortunately I'll have to draw the veil there. If I don't then the editor will. As much as I agree - and as funny as your observations are - I'm afraid that this is, as they say, a family newspaper. Pity.

Mr. Hayes in Chicago pointed out: "An Taoiseach got it right when he said that in the '40s, '50s and '60s State and Church were interchangeable and oh what a mess that made. I believe that as soon as you try to legislate morality you create more problems than you had. At least Kenny did not try to cover up the report, a step forward."

Fair enough and as always your comments are appreciated; but do you honestly believe that if they could have gotten away with it they wouldn't have buried the report in its entirety? That makes you a lot more trusting than I am. We live in an age where it is very difficult to sit on something like this, compared to not even that long ago.

It's only four years since our lot were denying all culpability. I'm confident that if they could have swept this under the carpet with all the rest of the foul-smelling secrets that have accumulated there over the years then they would have. The rumblings that were beginning to be heard from our European masters in Ireland's capital of Frankfurt/Brussels/Berlin or wherever it is this week made it pretty much impossible not to say something.

Enda is touchy about what he perceives to be his reputation in Europe. So it was always inevitable that he would render an apology; it just would have looked a little more sincere to me if it had been done sooner. Holy Mother Church, of course, has always been made of much sterner stuff than the backbones of any of our elected representatives; so it might be a bit longer before we hear much of import from that crowd.

For myself, I just didn't buy Kenny's tears. And the self-congratulating applause from all of the Dail at the end of his performance made me feel quite ill. You could have been forgiven for thinking that they had done something extraordinary. Still, it's a long way from pretty words to putting them into action, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

The Morning After...

Well, that's it: just waking up the news that Jennifer Lawrence will have her first official stalker as soon as I've cobbled together the air fare. And it is indeed, congratulations to Daniel Day-Lewis for making Oscar history in being the first to win three best Actor awards.

Oscar-watchers, you can bid the cinema goodbye for another year. But for the first time I feel a little sorry for that great method actor who was too late for a nomination: Enda Kenny, you was robbed, man. You was robbed.

You can email me at chasbrady7@eircom.net or visit my blog on www.charleybrady.com