You Say Catholicism, I Say Scientologism; Let's Call The Whole Thing Off!

By Charley Brady

Bloody Hell, that one came in out of the wild blue wonder, didn't it? It's one thing me getting cheesed off with the way that things are going, but the Pope?

I mean, I've been thinking of throwing in the towel for years. I don't mean in order to follow the wishes of the 'forgotten but not gone' Bertie Ahern and just go off and commit suicide for myself. I kind of like being here at the moment. Anyway, if those thoughts had passed through this tortured old head of mine the idea that Bertie would be happy about it would keep me around just for spite.

In case you have already forgotten, Bertie (late of the Boston 'Clover Club' All Men Together Group) is the guy who said only a few years back that anyone who questioned his wisdom on how great the economy was should go off and kill themselves. He actually said that, this regular Mass goer who studies the Beatitudes. I was one of the prophets of doom who had some serious Thomas-type doubts on just how great things were going at the time and so I took that as a personal invite.

Nah, I didn't. I just thought: well, this is Ahern. He's an insensitive clod. He's in a place of privilege so why should he consider the fact that suicide has probably touched every family in Ireland in one way or another. Why would that pass through his head when he had other things to worry about, like counting the money that was in the mysterious briefcase to Manchester? Or trying to lie his way out of a tribunal and still look half like a statesman?

No, I was tempted to throw in the towel and just stop writing about and attempting to shame people like Bertie who can't BE shamed!

But His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI? Even HE finds the world too much to put up with at times? Man, this is where you sit back and say: Mama Mia, if a guy like that finds it all too much to handle, why would a little peasant person like me, who never wore a big fancy expensive frock in my life think that I could handle it? I mean, if I was the Pope, with a direct line to the Almighty and I was feeling ill I'd think that the obvious thing would be to take myself off to Lourdes, get it sorted and then come back and cover up some more stuff on dodgy priests whilst at the same time continue on my crusade to never have women involved in any meaningful way.

Alternatively, if I was the Pope I'd go to Knock Shrine; have a quick word; and then get back to telling the world that I serve a loving God but He's not crazy about homosexuals. And He doesn't want you to have sex outside of marriage. And if you absolutely just have to give in to a normal bodily human desire then you damned well better not use a condom because the good Lord wouldn't approve of that. Even if that means having unwanted children; even if that means getting a sexually transmitted disease. NEVER WEAR A CONDOM. The Vatican... they should take out an advertisement. NEVER EVER WEAR A CONDOM. Maybe they already have. Does it go something like: "We can never have too many guests at God's table? Especially in countries that are already overpopulated!"

You wouldn't mind me, of course. I'm going straight down to the Bad Place as far as I can make out. I don't steal; I don't kill; I love my mum and I loved my dad; I don't worship graven images and I don't covet my neighbour's wife. And if you could see my neighbour's wife you'd know that's a difficult one. But I'm still bollixed, basically.

Why? Well, despite all of that interesting stuff that I don't do I have this problem about thinking really bad thoughts towards this Benign Higher Being who keeps shovelling the you-know-what in my direction.

And I'm really going to get in trouble for this one but here goes. As mad as I think all religions are, I just keep feeling that they're all just about the same. Each one thinks that the other lot are wrong and they're right. Well, they can't all be wrong and they can't all be right, now can they? Now I know what you're going to say: fundamentally all religions believe in the one thing, this strange all-embracing Deity Who is here to watch over us all.

So if that's the case, why all the hate? And I'm not just talking about Jews, Catholics, mad Muslims and whatever you're having yourself. I'm talking of the even barmier religions. Yes, even barmier than declaring Jihad on folks who don't agree with you; even barmier than believing that a man who has hung on a cross for days, that he can die and come back again. I'm talking about oh... for example, Scientology.

Now that's the one that gets everybody. Well, they're just a cult aren't they? So that means that Islam and Judaism and Catholicism aren't cults? What's that supposed to mean? My cult is bigger than your cult? My kind of brainwashing is different to your kind of brainwashing so it must be better?

I believe in none of this but I happened to be reading something today on that made-up religion (as opposed to which, really?), the Church of Scientology.

Now this is one that is REALLY getting a tough time lately. But here are some of the things that it seems to be saying - and this is just my understanding of what seems to me as crazy as anything else in this benighted world:

Everybody has bad memories of things that have happened in the past. 'Auditing' can help to eradicate these negative memories ('engrams' as this lot call them) by way of 'processing'. When you've gone in with one of these processing characters and he/she has helped you to 'process' then you're 'clear'.

Now call me crazy and I know a lot of you will (so there's an email address at the bottom of this column) but when you break all of that down it sounds a lot like the Confessional Box to me. Funny enough, it seems to work for some people - the Confessional, I mean. For all I know auditing works just as well. (Mind you it didn't work out too well for Sean Fitzpatrick and Anglo Irish Bank, boom boom!) I grew up in the Catholic Church and I do remember that, as they say, confession was good for the soul. So even though one religion was made up as we went along, century by century, and the other was made up by an ambitious science fiction writer in 1950 both seem to be, well, rather comparable. Auditing... confession; what's the difference?

OK. Scientology believes that the body is home to an invisible entity. Well, I was brought up to believe the same thing, except that my parents and my religious teachers at school called that a 'soul'. They call it 'Thetan'; we call it 'soul'. You say tomato and I say tomato; let's call the whole thing off!

The mad Scientologists believe that this old body of ours is a temporary casing that houses an eternal spirit - sorry, Thetan; and the mad Catholics believe that this old body of ours is a temporary casing that houses an eternal spirit; and the stone mad Muslims believe that this old body of ours is a temporary casing that houses an eternal spirit; as for the Jews, they believe that this old body of ours is... wait a minute. What were we all arguing about again?

As a species we have more in common than we have differences. It seems to me that religion - despite the fact that it can be a wonderful tool for Good - is far too often used as something to divide rather than unite.

There's a memorable exchange in a film called The Wicker Man. (This is the original, not the travesty of a remake that starred the dreaded Nicholas Cage.) Christopher Lee plays a Pagan Lord of the Manor and Edward Woodward plays a die-hard Christian. At one point Lee is talking of his belief in parthenogenesis, which he explains is reproduction without sexual union. The exasperated Christian erupts:

"Oh what is this? You have fake biology, fake religion? Have these children never heard of Jesus?" To which the Pagan replies:

"Himself the son of a virgin, impregnated I believe by a ghost."

There you go. You can even find similarities between Pagans and Christians; and don't get me started on the amount of festivals that the Christians stole from the Pagans. You know, Christmas, Easter, all that good stuff.

Wouldn't it be nice if people could just enjoy the diversity that their various beliefs bring to the world? I love talking to people who have a totally opposite viewpoint. Hell, it keeps us from getting stale, doesn't it? Well, unless you're in the Irish Government of course.

They're a reasonably diverse bunch on the surface but of course when it comes to raking in the loot for themselves they are assuredly of one mind. The majority would be Catholic with some Church of Ireland thrown in; but we also have the detestable Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore. He's an atheist who never had a principle that couldn't be sold out. He knows that his party will be as decimated as the Greens after the next election; and so he has made sure his pension is well secured, to hell with anyone else. And of course he has his wife set up with a nice little earner as well.

Then there's the appalling Minister for Justice Alan Shatter. Shatter is Jewish and has often lectured Ireland on its terrible record concerning Jews. (Rightly so, I have to grudgingly admit.) Yet he is riding roughshod through the police force with cut after cut whilst earning ridiculous money himself. And I often wonder if he sees the irony of bowing down so far in front of the Germans, along with his colleagues Enda Kenny and Gilmore.

There are just three people with very different beliefs and one common aim: to shaft the person in the street just as hard as they can. None of their belief systems has led them to thinking on a higher good because humans are just humans, in the end.

Still, I won't go into that. I felt like giving politics a rest this week and I've rather enjoyed rambling on about religion. I hope that this has been an affectionate poke in the ribs to all, including myself. After all, it's supposed to bring us all together!

If I'm not hit by a bolt of lightning in the meantime we'll get back to the Usual Suspects next week.

And may your God go with you!

You can email me at chasbrady7@eircom.net or visit my blog on www.charleybrady.com