Martin Ferris, Bono & Myself Dismantle An Atomic Bomb... While Defending The Catholic Church

"I think America has no experience with terrorism or even with war. In Europe, we know a little bit more about these things."
- the respected historian Bono of U2 in Paris, 2003, having apparently forgotten about the Twin Towers, Oklahoma and how the Americans hauled our sorry asses out of two World Wars

By Charley Brady

Ah come on now lads, play the white man, would yez? I mean, you're honestly trying to insinuate that a fine upstanding Sinn Fein TD for Kerry North- West like Martin Ferris would have even known a shady character like James "Whitey" Bulger, who was eventually arrested this week after spending forever on the FBI's Top Ten Wanted List? Is it joking me yez are, or what?

Sure, Martin got himself into a wee bit of bother back in the day when he was a gun runner, but wasn't that for the Cause? You wouldn't catch the likes o' him mixing with criminals like Whitey, fer Jeez's sake.

Sure, he probably shouldn't have been there to greet the IRA killers of that cop from the Republic - McCabe, wiz that the fella's name? - when they were released under the terms of the Good Friday Agreement; but sure, he was only showing a wee bit of solidarity with the Boys, so he was.

They weren't even really killers, so they weren't; it wiz jeest a wee bank robbery that went wrong. Those lads would have been the last fellas in the world to start spraying bullets around indiscriminately in a nice quiet village like Adare. Sure they were Freedom Fighters, for the luv o' Christ, they were doing it for us, so they were.

OK! ENOUGH!

If anyone wants to believe good old Martin Ferris, then that's their business. He must have been dreading the day, though, when the FBI would finally forget its past loyalty to James Bulger and do what they could have done years ago: namely to arrest the criminal that they had working for them.

As soon as the arrest became public knowledge Sinn Fein were out of the trap faster than that greyhound that gamblers SHOULD have had their money on. We had hardly had time to digest the news before the damage limitation exercises swung into force.

"I don't know Whitey Bulger," said Martin, eyes showing amazement that anyone would think such a thing. "I never met him. I never had anything to do with him, ever.

"Whoever is giving you that information, that I knew him or met him, is wrong. I never met him in my life. You can get the transcripts of the trial and look at them. There's nothing about him."

That's how crazy this country is. We have a serving deputy in the Dail who was arrested in 1984 by the Naval Service while he was in charge of the "Marita Ann" off the Kerry coast. He had previously met up with the fishing boat, "Valhalla" where seven tonnes of explosives and assault rifles were coming from Boston.

Ferris got ten years in jail for this interesting escapade but the Provos came to the conclusion that the paid FBI informer Bulger had set them up and trousered their money.

Millions of dollars worth of guns and ammo and one of the guys set to collect was Bulger. Of course Sean Callaghan, the gardai informant within the IRA told the Special Branch that the ship to be used was the "Marita Ann".

Honest to God, the amount of double dealing informants and self-serving scumbags mixed in with decent people who were doing what they thought was right, that were involved in the Troubles over the years - hell, I can't make up my mind whether it's a miracle that more people weren't killed or that less people weren't killed. It could always have gone either way while these dangerous lunatics played their sinister games.

Ferris adds: "I think that if you check further, you would find that was not the case. That was media speculation at the time."

I knew that the media would get the blame eventually. After all, we were the ones that were blowing up people indiscriminately while the Freedom Fighters told the truth at every hand's turn.

Well, if you actually check what came out at the time, it doesn't exactly back Ferris up, but what the hell? As he says himself:

"I know nothing about it, really. It is history.

"We will leave it all to history. I have no memories, and I know nothing about [Bulger]."

We will leave it all to history. I know nothing. Now where have I heard that refrain before? Still, 9,300 first preference voters for you in the General Election couldn't possibly be wrong, could they, Martin?

You have me convinced. One of the most complicated gun running schemes that we know of from the IRA involved "Whitey" Bulger but you - the skipper of the boat involved - didn't even know who he was. Yeah, I'm buying that used car all right.

Just a thought here: Say what you want about them, but the IRA are not exactly people to be ripped off and then go on and lick their wounds. This guy lived quite openly and was never even touched until - finally - his paymasters in the FBI decided to call in his bets when he was 81 years old.

Don't listen to me. Go and join the dots up for yourselves.

***

OK, I've put this part off as long as I can, but eventually I'm going to have to get to it. So here goes: I'm about to defend the sensibilities of the mad Catholics.

There. I've said it. Now, long time readers (and there are two or three of you out there) know that I put people who believe in the insane tenets of said church on the same ladder to the Home for the Deranged as those who agonise over what kind of herbal tea to drink; or people who are vegetarians; or people who believe that the world is made up of kind, gentle hippy-type folk who annoy the rest of us by strumming along happily to "Michael, Row the Boat Ashore"; or the dreadful creatures who insist on continuing our sad species by having children - especially small children - and then letting them loose in Sunday pubs, after Mass, naturally, to run around annoying the rest of us who just want to wallow in our own misery.

Fair is fair, though. I don't like to see Catholics being picked on unless it's by me.

So my ingrained Catholic upbringing kicked into gear last week when I became aware of the travesty of an "artistic" exhibition that is being displayed in University College Cork.

Now I'm all for the Arts and I'm all for anything that provokes a reaction. Hell, way back when, I spent many a happy hour writing columns for other magazines extolling the virtues of Ken Russell's much maligned masterpiece, "The Devils", rabitting on and on about how it should be shown in its complete cut and seen as the ultimately spiritual film that it surely is. So maybe it's just another case of 'each to their own'; but in the instance of what is being shown in Cork, I don't think so. I think that this is an exhibition that is taking place for no other reason than to stick two fingers up to practising Catholics.

It's a show entitled "Our Lady and Other Queer Santas" and is by the Mexican artist Alma Lopez.

Let's leave aside the questionable title. The image that I have in front of me as I write is one of a Mexican Our Lady with some flowers just about covering her modesty, hands on hips and a tilted back head with long flowing black hair and a come-to-bed look.

OK, that's my interpretation and you are quite entitled to say that this might say more about me than it does about the image. Well, take a look for yourself and make your own mind up. Other images show the Virgin delivering a martial arts kick while wearing the appropriate outfit and of course no religious exhibition would be complete without having her in high heels.

The Bishop of Cork and Ross, Dr. John Buckley, has described the images as "regrettable and unacceptable".

Now it's not often that I think that the mad Catholics come out with master classes in understatement, but surely this is one of those times. He went on:

"We have seen the negative consequences that result from lack of respect for religious beliefs in many cultures. Respect for Mary, the Mother of God, is bred in the bones of the Irish people and entwined in their lives.

"True pluralism respects the beliefs of all faiths and does not seek to ridicule the faith and convictions of any believer."

As if it's not bad enough that I find myself nodding in agreement with a head of the Church, I even find myself agreeing with a cursed politician. Can it get any worse for me? Fine Gael TD Jerry Buttimer added:

"Universities should be a place of acceptance and tolerance of all beliefs and opinions.

"They should not be lending their support to an event which is considered by many to be overtly blasphemous and blatantly disrespectful.

"If UCC considers itself an inclusive place for study and research, then it must ensure that all beliefs are respected.

"It should not permit any one set of beliefs to be ridiculed."

Ah, now there's the rub: Do you honestly think that University College Cork would have permitted such an exhibition to go ahead if it had featured degrading images of... oh, just off the top of my head... Mohammed? Poke fun at mad Muslims? Show a painting of Allah with a couple of roses covering his - dare I say it? - manhood?

You're having a laugh, aren't you? It would never happen. It would never ever happen because that surly, humourless bunch of bigots would be very likely to put a death sentence on anyone who insulted their grumpy old Prophet.

Catholics? Screw them! They'll show their distaste by ranting on a bit and then they'll turn the other cheek and it will all blow over in a weeks' time.

It's this kind of double-think hypocrisy that gets on my bloody goat.

Come on! If you're going to have a laugh at one religion then have a laugh at all of them! I mean, they're all equally ludicrous in my eyes. Likewise, they are or should be all equally deserving of respect in the eyes of those less jaundiced than I am.

Why do the Catholics have to take the brunt of it all the time?

With weary predictability Michael Nugent, chairman of the imbecilic group Atheist Ireland, was enthusiastic:

"I think it's a great thing because art is a useful way of conveying ideas... there is absolutely no reason for anybody to get upset about it."

Michael Nugent personifies the reason that I stopped referring to myself as an atheist some months back. Hell, I'd rather believe in God than be stuck in the company of him and his cronies.

Is this exhibition blasphemous? Given the strict definitions of the term, of course it is! It's meant to be!

I would rather that they were just honest and said:

"Look, the Catholics are a soft touch and fair game for a slagging. Of course we're not going to touch Islam because they might just kill us for that."

At least that would be honest.

Since we're being honest here, can I just say that I believe Islam to be the worst of organised religions that I have ever come across?

Why should we live in fear of offending them? Can they not take a joke? Oh, there's a stupid question for you. Of course they can't! They have no sense of humour, none.

Be afraid to crack a joke at their expense? Live in fear of them? Sorry, camel jumpers, I don't intend to live my life that way.

Join in with the rest of us: have a laugh at Jews, Catholics, Northern Irish Proddies (lots of good material there) and in particular Scientologists and Mormons.

We're all fodder for the wise crack. What's wrong with you guys that you can't laugh at yourself? Allah knows there's enough to laugh at.

Hell, look at me and have the laugh of your life: a screwed up, neurotic ex-Catholic with one foot in the grave and the other foot on a bar of soap. Laugh it up, guys: it's much more therapeutic than blowing your stupid selves to smithereens in the hope that the other side will give you the love of seventy-odd virgins.

Does that not strike you as a bit, well... even madder than believing that a guy who has been nailed up and left for dead will be rolling the stone away and ascending to Heaven?

Honestly, there should be a pub somewhere that nutcase Muslims and whacked out Catholics can meet and discuss just who has the more insane beliefs?

We could even have a Moonie acting as Umpire.

You lot might just have a lot more in common than you think.

And talking about God...

I was so heartbroken to hear that His representative on Earth - Bono - had a miserable time at Glastonbury this weekend. He said:

"When I got out onto the stage it was like an ice rink because of the rain.

"I wanted to jump around but it was too slippy. I told myself to just stay in the one spot and sing. [Christ, that must have been a relief for those who are used to attending a U2 concert in order to be lectured on their shortcomings by the narcissistic front man with the Napoleon Complex.]

"We're normally covered by a roof during our shows but the rain was coming down on us.

"I could have done with wipers for my sunglasses."

Now I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box at times but would it not be just be common sense NOT to wear sunglasses in the pouring rain? Am I missing something?

Did you ever hear of contact lenses, Bono?

Still, at least the security goons put a dampener on the 50 or so protesters who were asking why you don't pay taxes in your own country. I'm old enough to remember when rock and roll and political activism went hand in hand; but it's a long time since U2 could relate to anything like that. Apart from giving us sermons on Africa, of course.

For the last time, folks, they are a Corporation! And every time that you dig into your shekels in order to buy one of their albums or a ticket to their concerts you just make them even more rich and even more distant from any kind of normality.

Don't do it! "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb?" That's how you dismantle it! Don't give the shaggers any more money!

Just before I dash off, folks: To Niall O'Dowd, publisher of the "Irish Voice" who has thrown his hat into the ring with his desire to be the next President of Ireland. (Hell, who hasn't thrown in their hat at this stage? It's a nice plum job that shouldn't even exist, after all.)

You know that you're going to have to withdraw, surely? I mean, your comments on Prince William being "a member of the lucky sperm club" and his new wife Kate Middleton being " a good stud mare"... well, I could say that and get away with it; but I'm not running for the Presidency.

They'll be visiting here sooner rather than later in view of the success of the Queen's visit. If you are President that means that you will either have to refuse to greet them or be a hypocrite and pretend that you didn't say what you are on record as saying.

Now you say that you didn't know at the time that you would be running for President but that doesn't cut any ice with me or anyone else here.

It's one of the problems with running for the Presidency of a country that you don't actually live in.

By the way, any chance of a job with your paper? Nah... didn't think so.

Hope to see you all again next week, Allah permitting.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net