I'm Starting My Own Religion: Contributions To Be Sent To The Olde Brewery

"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one."
-Thomas Paine

By Charley Brady

You know something? I think that the Dalai Lama and Bertie Ahern have a lot in common.

Let's be honest, they both have smirking "I'm holier than thou" faces on them. They're both making shed loads of loot out of trundling their self-important platitudes around the globe; and they're awful keen on advising others on how to behave.

But we'll get back to Bertie and his gig in Nigeria later on.

For now let's stick with that complete fake, the Dalai Lama.

Twenty years ago, when he last graced Ireland with His Holy Presence I just shook my head and wondered why so many people get excited about the guy. This week, now that He has deigned to grace us with His Magnificence once again I just shake my head and accept that the world is simply made up of very gullible people.

To those folks, may I thank you on behalf of His Holy Wonderfulness for all of the money that you have shelled out to this chancer over the years.

Ironically you are probably the same bunch who dig deep into your pockets in order to fill the church baskets so that your clerics can look after the church roof, their illegitimate children or whatever you are having yourself.

Why are so many supposed Catholics turning up this week to see an old queen in robes who spouts nothing but drivel and inane words of wisdom such as "Forgive the Bankers"?

I mean, the Dalai Lama is a guy who believes that he is the Ruler for Life of "his" people.

This is a guy who is swanning around supposedly Catholic Ireland preaching about how he is the - what - 14th-odd reincarnation of the same person.

Can anyone tell me what is seriously wrong with this picture?

I was born a Catholic (thankfully I got over that as soon as I was out of the cradle and able to think for myself) but I seem to remember that we believed that you were born, crawled across open ground under fire for most of your life and then fell into the grave. After that, you supposedly woke up and you had realised your dream of staring into the face of God for the rest of Eternity.

Well, that's what I was told when I was kid. You were probably very much the same.

"What is Heaven, Miss Teacher Lady?"

"Heaven is to be able to look on the face of Our Lord for all Eternity."

Man, if that were true, can you comprehend how freaking boring it would be? Thank Morningstar that I'll be going in the other direction. At least I'll be meeting a few interesting people Down There.

Come on, all of you Catholics who went out there to see His Holiness the Dalai Lama! You cannot reconcile these two beliefs.

Your concept of the Christ is a pretty OK thing to believe in, but this chancer?!

Why would you be standing in line to see him? I just don't get it.

He claims that at the age of two, when he was crawling around a mud hut in Tibet, he was liberated by Tibetan priests who announced to their insular world that he was the next incarnation of a guy who had snuffed it only a couple of years previously. He was then told that he was a Ruler for Life.

Now I don't know about the thousands who turned up in Ireland to hear his pretty frigging boring words of wisdom, but "rulers for life" don't sit very well with me. But that's just me. It probably just smacks of Uncle Joe Stalin, Gadaffi or Pol Pot too much.

In fairness to His Holiness, he has never pretended to be a democrat. Well, as an autocrat who expects unswerving loyalty to his "humble" self, he could hardly do that, could he?

In fact in 1988 what he was advocating was racial separation when he got back into power. Well, thankfully, that's not going to happen now. Having had several decades of hanging around with useful fools like Richard Gere, Sharon Stone and the rest of the Hollywood luvvies that he has so carefully and cynically cultivated over the years, he has learnt to sneak up very quietly.

And of course, humility. Lots and lots of humility.

Where does he get the loot to be swanning around the world telling other lower entities how to behave? Ah well, come on, you know the answer to that one.

I had been looking forward to writing this of a Saturday but the Irish journalist Paul Drury got in first last Thursday:

"Through most of the Sixties, he was in effect in the CIA's payroll, his administration in exile receiving $1.7 million a year - big money back then - to bankroll a Tibetan guerrilla campaign against the Chinese and to run offices in Geneva and New York.

"Today, the Tibetan government-in-exile resembles a multi-national holding company more than a political movement. Details of its financial affairs remain frustratingly difficult to pin down.

"But what is known is that, over the years, it has run not just charitable trusts, but a publishing company, hotels in Nepal, and a handicrafts distribution company in the U.S. and in Australia - all on the back of donations from international sympathisers."

You know, we shelled out a lot of loot that we don't have for this chancer over the past week. Why?

Well, because he's like that other old fraud, Mother Teresa used to be. He's one of those unfathomable characters that for some reason you are not allowed to say a word against.

You say to people: "What do you think of the Dalai Lama visiting this week?" and you get a sort of dreamy, 'I'm a gobshite' look coming into their eyes and then they come out with some garbage like: "Ah, sure it's great, isn't it?"

When you reply that maybe you don't think it's all that great at all to be feting yet another gouger they answer: "Ah well sure isn't he a living saint, just the same?"

And trust me, there is no sense of irony in this at all. This is where you just plain decide that the entire human race deserves the extinction that it is surely moving towards.

What pearls of wisdom did His Holiness drip like jewels from his tongue to the Irish peasants this week?

Well, his helicopter landed in Limerick and then he refused to walk across the track until his security staff had removed a worm that he had spotted on the ground.

I'm not making this up.

I think that he meant to show that he was as humble as that earthworm... or something.

Getting out of the helicopter kind of took from that a bit, mind you. But what an outrageous, pompous show of Uriah Heep I'm so 'umble- ness.

Couldn't he just have stepped around the damned thing?

Or maybe it was because in a previous incarnation, before he became the 14th Illustrious and "spiritual leader" of Tibet, he had been an earthworm. Who the hell knows what goes through the minds of Gods?

But onto what he had to tell the Irish peasants:

Well, we must work with self confidence and co-operation in order to get out of our economic troubles [uh... huh].

Individuals who rely on money will be unhappy [I nearly choked on that one, considering that this fake has been swanning around the globe with no visible means of support for four feckin decades!].

Inner values bring inner strength. [What? Did I wander onto the set of the Oprah Winfrey Show?]

Off he went to Kildare where he was presented with a St. Brigid's Cross and a St. Brigid's flame.

You have to admit, some of the characters who turned out to meet him have no sense of irony either. Then again, we are talking about a Dalai Lama who is a strict vegetarian but who eats meat on his doctor's orders because it's good for him.

What a bloody hypocrite. You know why I eat meat, Dalai? Because I like the taste of it. I'll bet you do too, doctor's orders or not.

I always find it kinda funny how you creeps who keep telling us that we are going somewhere far, far better are always the ones who try to hold onto the twig so hard.

Doesn't matter how hard you hold on, one of these days down will come cradle, Dalai and all.

He also said that young dudes should look forward to the future with vision and that thinking of "me" too much can lead to heart attacks.

Well, he would know about that all right.

I'm sick of hearing of how great he is. As to the heart attack, the sooner the better and you can take that one any damned way you please. NOW!

This is where I come to the "give me all of your money" part of this article.

Having seen the Black Dalai in action this week I have decided that I am going to set up my own religion, and to that end I will need your contributions. In case you don't know how to spell contributions it is spelled M-O-N-E-Y.

I've decided to cut all the boring bits out of religion, the ones that you don't really care about anyway. The Lord Our God Mammon has shown me the Way but in order for me show you Enlightenment I will need shed loads. That is spelled L-O-O-T.

I've also decided to cut out of my religion that constant that is in every other religion: let's kill people who don't agree with us. So there goes the Old Testament.

My New Religious Order isn't into killing at all. Well, unless it's mad Muslims and then I'm not too pushed. Or Jehovah's Witnesses and wait, what's that other bunch that I'm not gone on, the ones who knock on your door and annoy you intensely? Oh yeah, the Mormons.

Mussies, back to the East with ye! Mormons, go home to Salt Lake City! Lunatic Catholics, go anywhere except next door to me!

There you go: my new religion is only five minutes old and already I'm falling into the same old trap.

Let's simplify it: I'll let you think what you want as long as you agree with me.

Does that sound familiar?

My church will be called, having thought about it for all of two seconds:

The First Church of Codology According To Brady.

You are free to send the loot, I mean contributions, to Charley c/o Olde Brewery, Oranmore, County Galway, Ireland.

Remember, the more contributions you send me the more chances you have of getting into Heaven, Shangri-La, Valhalla or Krypton.

I would ask you to do one thing, however. If there is a terrible creature working in the Olde Brewery that day called Brendan then under no circumstances give this Holy

Money to that deranged person. Not unless you like backing horses, in which case you would be better off giving it to him than to me.

But there you go, every time you think that Bertie Ahern - the betting expert supreme - is done and dusted, the money grubbing little rat pops up in the most unexpected places. This week he has been in Nigeria, lecturing I kid you not, on how they can achieve their own African Tiger under his tuition.

Jesus wept.

While talking about how they have to be careful about regulating the banks and to have total transparency, the crook actually managed to keep a straight face.

The man of the people and last socialist in Ireland according to himself is pocketing forty grand a speaking engagement... and he's been over there for a week.

Do you really need more proof that if there's a God he has a hell of a sense of humour!

I'll look forward to your contributions to the First Church of Codology and I will see you next week.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net