Lowry Continues To Make Us Proud And Keep Us Smiling

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me because, as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know."
- Donald Rumsfeld

By Charley Brady

That quote has nothing to do with this column. It just always makes me laugh, that's all. Now, onwards:

Michael Lowry, TD for North Tipperary, may I have your attention please. I now take back everything that I said about you last week. You are not a disgrace to this country.

The way that things are now, no one could ever be a disgrace to this country.

I now believe that in these troubled times when we don't get a lot of laughs, you have done the country "some service", to quote Charles J. You were of a different party to the late and unlamented liar and crook Haughey but by god you gave us entertainment value this week and for that I thank you.

Being a keen student of the Bent Arts yourself you must have studied the Master at some length.

What was it that attracted your attention? His tacky lifestyle that the Irish were force fed to believe was "class"? His taking of a braying, money grubbing and embarrassing mistress that most sane people would have run a mile from? The fact that he would always swan around, like yourself, in suits and Charvet shirts that the electorate could not afford and actually wouldn't want to wear if they could?

Were these the items on your agenda that you just had to have if you wanted to behave like the big boys?

What makes you so pathetic, Lowry, is that you probably didn't realise that you really WERE one of the big boys. You could have been Taoiseach if you had wanted, instead of taking the Brown Envelope Route.

When you were caught, back in 1995, you just lied and lied. Then when you were caught out in your lies, you told a truncated version of the truth that, yes, you WERE a tax dodger. That should have been the end of it, of course.

Here in Ireland though, there is a nudge-nudge, wink- wink mentality towards people like yourself and others where we just say: "Well, fair play to them if they can get away with it."

Well, the problem here is that it is most emphatically NOT fair play. It is most emphatically NOT a fair playing field when we will allow creatures like you to walk away unscathed and yet if a window cleaner or a barman or whatever you're having yourself is doing a little on the side they will be hounded and jailed because they have had the initiative to try to augment their meagre earnings.

The rules, such as they are, only apply to the small people. They do not and never have and never will apply to people like you who are able to cast such questions into a nightmare of litigation for years on end.

When push comes to shove, you're just another parasite and sponger without an ounce of grace to his name.

But as I say it's been instructive and downright bloody hilarious to watch your "friends" run for cover.

Can I give you my definition of a friend, Lowry? It's the half dozen that I have in my life who have seen me with my back to the wall a couple of times. I wouldn't even need to ask them for help. It's just there, just as I've been there for them when the tables were turned.

You? Well, take a look at Phil Hogan, who is now Enda Kenny's Minister for the Environment. You were great friends at one stage. You were even invited to his 50th birthday party.

According to Phil Hogan you are just an "acquaintance".

A couple of years ago I had my own 50th and the people that I give a rat's ass about wished me well. Not one of them, I know in my heart, would abandon me if I was suddenly as persona non grata pariah as you now are. Not one of them. Not even my Aunt Mavis.

ACQUAINTANCES? Oh Lowry, take a look at yourself. That's all you have. Who between us is the poorer?

Still, you were on a right old roll this week, lonely and isolated but taking on all comers.

There were your erstwhile friends - sorry, acquaintances - telling you that they want you gone, Partder, clean of out of Tombstone and there are you telling them to send in the CAB [Criminal Assets Bureau] and the Army, but you ain't a goin' nowhere. It really is great fun.

Labour TD Emmet Stagg put forward the idea that maybe Michael Andersen, the Danish mobile phone consultant who was a witness at the inquiry, had been paid to give evidence.

Yikes! That was a bad idea, wasn't it? Lowry came back with the fact that Stagg was "a man who has endured his own controversy and received compassion from this House in his own difficult times."

Ouch! That hurt. Kitty has claws! A lot of people thought that was a really low dig, but let's be honest, Emmet, if back in 1994 you tripped over a rent boy while walking in the Phoenix Park at all hours, you gotta know that one is going to come back and bite you occasionally.

That buckaroo, Fianna Fail''s leader Micheal Martin got it square between the eyes as well when Lowry said that his "clean cut Steve Sivermint image" would be getting a roasting when the Mahon Report comes out.

Nor was he in the mood for taking any lectures for the High Moral Ground from Sinn Fein's Mary Lou McDonald. Frothing at the mouth, he said that Mary's "sense of natural justice makes me want to retch" as she is "associated with atrocities, mutilations and murders of civilians and unarmed gardai". I think that was my favourite. She was right, though. All she had done was remark: "It is scandalous that the government is once again prepared to accommodate Deputy Lowry for a further 30 minutes."

Yes siree, Michael Lowry might be wounded, his reputation shot to shreds but he still is spraying the old Gatling Gun around like a good thing!

(Actually, one of the more entertaining things in politics at the moment are the Shinners. Seeing them going all ethical on us is just great sport altogether. Will anyone forget Gerry Adams a couple of weeks ago lecturing us on the evils of money laundering? Now you have to admit: THAT'S FUNNY!)

I wonder how many of Lowry's ex-colleagues are having sleepless nights wondering if he has the goods on some of THEIR shady dealings?

Well, at least we're getting a little entertainment value for the millions that we squandered on the report that does nothing.

Lowry doesn't know when the joke has become more than embarrassing, however. Just last week he left us all with our jaws scraping the ground when he muscled in on the upcoming visit of President Barack Obama:

"First of all the visit is very welcome. It is a huge boost for the country, particularly at a time when we are negotiating with Europe, that the President of the most prominent and influential nation in the world has said he wants to stand shoulder to shoulder with Ireland and that he would grace us with his presence.

"I think that says a lot about Ireland and it is a hugely significant opportunity."

Oh stop, just please stop! I can't take any more! But no, there's more:

"In relation to myself, Moneygall is in my constituency and I was there during the course of the election campaign. I met very friendly and courteous people and I look forward to going back to meet them - particularly on the day that President Obama will visit Moneygall."

Moneygall - isn't that just a delicious name for the likes of Lowry to be uttering?

He went on: "Of course I will say hello to him during the course of that visit when he attends a function in my constituency.

"I hope to get to talk to him, not about the casino [be thankful for small mercies] but about a different matter-an unique element of the project which will be an authentic, direct architectural replica of the White House."

Jesus wept, would the man just ever shut up?

Maybe President Obama heard this threat. Maybe that's why he's limiting how long he's going to be here. Maybe he has better things to do than listen to tacky suggestions from a man that the Moriarty Tribunal has said is just plain crooked.

Keep up the good work, Michael. We're all so proud of you.

Hope to see you all again next week.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

NB: Just as I put this to bed I'm hearing about the poor policeman who has been blown up in the North. Once again a few dozen fanatics try to make us despair. Well, the community is not with them like in the old days. Let's hope they get these bastards.

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net