Joe Kavanagh's Music News

The biggest story in the Irish music world last week was undoubtedly the debacle that passed itself off as the Dublin leg of Guns N' Roses current European tour. Coming on the back of two heavily criticized performances by the band at the previous week's Reading and Leeds festivals in the UK, one might have expected the rockers to raise their game, or at least do enough to stave off another mauling from fans and critics alike, but William Bailey (a.k.a. Axl Rose) and company evidently gave nary a care for either constituency when they took to the stage in Dublin's O2 Arena, an hour and a half late for their performance. Irate fans made their feelings known early and often, showering the band with boos and taunts of "We want Slash" in reference to the act's original guitarist, but words were not all that the crowd showered upon the stage, as bottles were also hurled at band members. By the time the band hit their third track, Welcome To The Jungle, Axl Rose had already been struck several times, and warned the crowd: "Alright, here's the deal. One more bottle, we go home. It's up to you. We'd like to stay. If you don't want to have fun, all you have to do is let us know, and we'll go on our way." His protest was met with more boos and bottles, and the band immediately walked off, leaving a red-faced Dermot Desmond of Irish promotional giants MCD, to take to the stage in an effort to restore calm. A full hour later the controversial Californian act did return, by which time almost three quarters of the audience had left, leaving them to play the remainder of their set to a virtually empty arena. Fans immediately took to internet chat boards to voice their contempt for the band, a sentiment which was extended to MCD, upon word that the promoters would not be refunding fans who shelled out $92 per ticket. One gets the feeling that Guns N' Roses will not be returning to - or indeed be welcome in - Europe any time soon, having arrived late on stage for virtually every performance, only to blame promoters each and every time. At this point, Axl Rose needs a new watch or a new job because not even comedian Bill Bailey could hope to be this much of a joke...

Former British leader, Tony Blair, has stated that he is convinced that Bono would have made an excellent Prime Minister, should he have chosen to follow the path of politics instead of music. In an excerpt from his current autobiography, A Journey, which has been serialized by the Independent newspaper, Blair posits that the U2 singer could have made President or Prime Minster "standing on his head" and further claimed: "He had an absolutely natural gift for politicking, was great with people, very smart and an inspirational speaker... motivated by an abundant desire to keep on improving, never really content or relaxed. I knew he would work with George [W Bush] well, and with none of the prissy disdain of most of his ilk". Leaving aside the fact that one man's prissy disdain is another man's comprehensible contempt, I would certainly agree that Bono has the tools to be an excellent politician, which is hardly a compliment, given the fact that virtually everyone living in any sort of an established democracy has come to the inescapable empirical conclusion that most politicians are little more than a bunch of manipulative, self-serving, miscreants. Perhaps it was something in the water last week, because Tony Blair also got the showered with missiles treatment when he arrived in Dublin for a book signing on Saturday (September 4), and could have made the world's largest shoe omelet from the amount of eggs and footwear that were thrown at him...

Sadly, The Pogues announced last week that they will call time on their career upon completion of this year's Christmas tour. The band has been in its second incarnation since being rejoined by their iconic front man, Shane MacGowan, in 2001, and their departure from the stage will leave a gaping hole in contemporary traditional Irish music. It will also leave one of the richest musical legacies of any act, be they Irish or otherwise, because The Pogues at their best were virtually untouchable. Let's hope it's one of those rapper retirements, where they return after a little break...

While The Pogues are calling time on their career voluntarily, former UB40 singer Ali Campbell has been forced to cancel an upcoming eight-week tour after contracting the dreaded Epstein-Barr virus. The singer is expected to make a full recovery from the virus, which can result in the victim suffering mononucleosis, or even cancer. As a matter of fact, I actually did attempt to research Epstein-Barr for this piece, but collapsed under a hail of words like antigens, latent cycle and papillonaviruses. My apologies for not being thorough enough, but I have a kind of trip switch that goes off in my brain when I start reading about things like hair leukoplakia, which, incidentally, is apparently an associated condition, which results in a white hairy patch growing on your tongue. I'll bet the ladies love that. I actually don't even know if I'm being sarcastic there... Now where the heck was I? ...

The new strip for the English national football team has been conceived by esteemed art director Pete Saville, who cut his teeth designing artwork for acts such as Joy Division and New Order. The new kit is meant to reflect the increasing diversity of both the team and English society in general. Bearing in mind their awful, awful performance at last summer's World Cup, the squad should consider themselves lucky that the strip doesn't come with a dunce hat, or some kind of donkey headgear...

Tom Jones claims that reports of his attitude to women have been greatly eschewed, as the legendary lothario is adamant that he has never been anything short of a gentleman to the fairer sex. Speaking to Scotland's Daily Record, the singer protested his image, saying: "People talk about it like it was just notches on the bedpost. But I have never treated women like groupies. I've always been old-fashioned around the opposite sex." Nowadays, wearing a condom is considered old fashioned but I'd imagine that whatever Tom Jones got up to back in the day was positively quaint compared to the shenanigans that pass for backstage entertainment nowadays...

I read where Fred Durst boasted that he was inspired to write an entire song for the new Limp Bizkit album, while he was sitting backstage waiting to go onstage at last week's Leeds festival. My money is on the title being something like Why Is There Nobody Here? or Maybe We Should Just Pack It In. It doesn't surprise me though, because Limp Bizkit songs sound like they've all been written in five minutes or less... On the subject of writing, the script for Spice Girls musical Viva Forever, is apparently being penned by British comedian, Jennifer Saunders (she of Absolutely Fabulous fame). The move is ingenious if you think about it because now when the critics come out and call it a joke, the band can say: 'Oh yeah, well that's how we meant it to be. And so is your face.' Okay, I added that last bit for effect...

Poor Amy Winehouse, first she gets lustily booed by the crowd when she shows up for the Libertines reunion gig, and then she finds out that her boyfriend is a card-carrying cheat, all in the same week. Burlesque dancer, Raven Isis Holt, maintains that she has been conducting a relationship with director Reg Traviss, the entire time that he has been with Winehouse, until she decided to call time on their affair last week. Coming over all pious and concerned, Holt told a UK tabloid last week: "I've spent pretty much every day with him. I'm surprised we haven't been spotted together before. When Amy and Reg were first pictured together, he called to warn me. He said Amy had grabbed his hand as they left a restaurant, but they were just friends." While I'm definitely not condoning his actions, you've got to hand it to Traviss for being able to pull off the old two-women juggling trick, despite being under the constant glare of flashbulbs. That's like the old Richard Pryor line about, 'Who are you gonna believe baby, me or your own damn lying eyes?' Of course, his cause was assisted by the fact that Holt sounds like she might be as dumb as a rock. Incidentally, Holt is described in certain quarters as a 'Butterface' as in, 'Everything's lovely about her but-her-face.' This plainly sexist vituperation prompted me to research the male equivalent in the interests of gender parity (no stone is left unturned in the writing of this column). After at least an hour of searching through phrases such as: face like a workman's bench, like a seamstress' thumb etc. etc., I discovered that there really is no male equivalent of Butterface. The closest I could get was Lobster (as in amazing body, awful head) whilst also discovering a term called double coyote ugly, whereby you wake up with your arm trapped beneath an extremely ugly lover, then emulate the canine famed for being able to chew its own limb off in order to escape a trap, except in this case, you remove both limbs just in case this particularly hideous lover goes searching for a one-armed individual... This column prides itself on its educational merit...

Speaking of research, I read the following quote from former Sugababe, Mutya Buena, who announced to the world last week that she recently underwent surgery to insert butt implants: "I researched it a little while ago. Everyone's got it in the U.S. and Brazil. I just wanted it a bit perkier. It's not that there was anything wrong with it - it's just a change. I like to be extreme." There you heard it, everyone in the US and Brazil has butt implants. How does this girl conduct her research? By the sound of that sweeping generalization, she asks Jim Corr's opinion after dressing him up as the Oracle of Delphi, and plying him with a half-ounce of crystal meth, a sprig of peyote and three bottles of Tequila...

In another plastic surgery related item, New Musical Express is reporting that Bulgarian man, Penio Daskalov will soon go under the knife, in order to make himself look like Lady Gaga. The 24-year-old apparently intends to carve out a career in music, and is quoted as saying of his idol: "I really admire the way she has created herself, so when I've had my operations I won't be quite a man or quite a woman." That may indeed be so, but he'll still be 100% fruitcake. Daskalov maintains that he has even contacted Lady Gaga's management, in order to set up some kind of collaboration between the two, once his surgery is completed. I'm guessing that he did that on his imaginary telephone. Perhaps it's just me but I find it a little ironic that a man named Penio is going for a sex change. At least there's an obvious female equivalent to the name...

With another child due with wife Penny Lancaster this coming February, Rod Stewart has confessed that he will not be adding any more kids to his considerable brood. Probably a wise decision given that he is a pensioner who already has seven children by five different women...

Eric Clapton revealed in an interview with Mojo magazine that he turned his vocals right down during the recording of his upcoming album because he cannot bear the sound of his own voice. And I thought it was just me... Finally, this just coming in: Gary Glitter has reportedly jumped on a jumbo jet heading for Chile upon mistakenly thinking that he had read about a group of 33 helpless minors being trapped underground. Had you there for a second.