Joe Kavanagh's Music News

Bono's spinal injury looks set to cost U2 an astonishing $147 million in lost revenue, according to reports in the media last week. The fantastic figure floated in UK tabloids was attributed to an individual with knowledge of the group's finances, who claimed: "Bono and the band are covered by insurance but the cost of overheads and missed revenue could easily reach £100 million by the time he's fit enough to perform again." The Irish act was forced to cancel 17 US dates and an appearance at this year's Glastonbury festival, and it remains to be seen when Bono's bad back will allow them to take to the road once again. Speaking of the costs the band incurs on tour, U2 manager Paul McGuinness recently stated: "If we play or not, touring still costs us £500,000 a day." Merciful hour, these lads make Lady Gaga seems like a spendthrift...

Speaking of musicians with extravagant spending patterns, Noel Gallagher has now decided against building a full-sized soccer pitch at his sprawling home in Buckinghamshire, England, preferring instead to install a flower garden. In days gone by that would almost certainly have meant a few coca plants hidden in the middle of a marijuana plantation, but time has altered the once hard-living rocker according to those living around him. One snooty neighbor was quoted in the Daily Express as saying: "When he first came here, his brother Liam and he used to play tennis bare-chested and drink in the pool. A lot of people were worried. But he's family man now and is welcome to stay as long as he likes." Hardly the stuff of Keith Moon, and anyway I've never been much bothered about people drinking in pools, it's more the nobody getting out to have a pee issue that always concerned me. While Noel's Oasis money may have taken a hit since the band's demise last year, he is still reeling in the royalties from Leona Lewis' version of Stop Crying Your Heart Out, as he recently revealed, saying: "One word. In fact, it's more like a sound effect. It just goes 'kerching'. Thank you very much." If there was any justice, Oasis would be paying the Beatles royalties for about a half dozen of their tracks, but what are you gonna do? ...

Biggest false start of the week came from Amy Winehouse, who was the toast of friends that claimed she has finally turned her life around, since meeting new boyfriend Reg Traviss. Speaking to the Daily Mirror early last week, the Rehab singer's close friend, Sam Shaker claimed: "She is totally transformed. I am so proud of her. She has stopped smoking completely. Reg has sorted her out. She drank Virgin Mary cocktails all night, not a single alcoholic drink." I guess it must have been a different Amy Winehouse then that talked loudly and obnoxiously through Enrique Iglesias' gig only days later. So loudly and obnoxiously during his rendition of Heroes in fact, that an exasperated Iglesias allegedly rounded on the crowd, hissing: "Guys, come on! There's too much noise. It's like playing at a ****ing Russian wedding but we don't get paid." I'm guessing that's the last work he'll get singing at Russian weddings too...

Sean P-Puff-Diddy-Daddy Combs has not abandoned his desire to own an English football club, after putting the kibosh on his rumored plan to buy Championship team, Crystal Palace, and rename it Cristal Palace in honor of the champagne. Speaking to the BBC, the flashy music mogul announced: "There was somebody that had looked at it but the business of it (Crystal Palace) just wasn't the right business move for me at the time. I'm always looking into different business ventures and it's definitely one of my dreams one day to be a part of a sports franchise, especially a football (soccer) team." Combs also recalled how he once fired an assistant that had been working non-stop for three days, telling XXL: "He was like, 'I'm tired, I can't do it no more'. Instead of being compassionate, I said, 'You know what rhymes with tired?' That's the savage in me." No, that's the a**hole in you, with all due respect. The sometime rapper claims that he is often a victim of his own achievements, maintaining: "People were getting turned off by my success. It was all champagne, bad chicks, winning all the time. Who wants to see that?" I'll tell you who: Cristal Palace...

Staying with the subject of rappers for a minute - albeit one that can actually rap in this case - Snoop Dogg was barred from performing his headline slot at an upcoming music festival in The Hague, as Dutch police want to guarantee that it exudes "an open and friendly character". Festival organizers are said to be furious with the move, as events kick off on June 27, leaving them scant time to find a suitable replacement. While I agree that Snoop Dogg is certainly not of the highest moral integrity, it is a music festival that they've booked him for and not Sheshame Shtreet (as the Dutch might pronounce it)...

Speaking of the curtain being drawn on people's opportunity to perform at festivals, Glastonbury supremo Michael Eavis says that he cannot ever see Kylie Minogue being asked back to perform at the venerable festival, despite the fact that she was supposed to headline the 2005 music extravaganza, until she was forced to withdraw upon being diagnosed with breast cancer. Speaking to the media last week, Eavis stated: "She was going to do it years ago but then she was ill. We've all moved on. We've moved on to different things now." So much for the old adage about not losing your starting position due to injury. Anyway, if reports are to be believed, Kylie will be far too busy to perform at Glastonbury, given the plans she has for the coming months and years. First up was an interview, where the pint-sized performer said that she would love to have kids, although she doubted whether her dream would ever come to fruition due to the side effects of the life-saving treatment she received to defeat cancer. She also speculated about returning to education, saying that she felt unfulfilled because she never got the opportunity to attend third level education. I'm sure Kylie could achieve both goals if she really wanted to. After all, Nadya Suleman would sell her a child of three if the price was right and as for the college thing, with the way academic institutions hand out honorary degrees and doctorates these days, it's only a matter of time before she is awarded a few letters after her name just for being able to sing along to a backing track. Try Long Island University for example, they gave Kermit the freakin' Frog one for feck's sake. I'm not even making that up...

Scientists at a US company have decided to map Ozzy Osbourne's genetic code, in order to discover how the hell-raising rocker has managed to live so long, despite years of excess with regard to drink and drugs. Speaking of the three-month study, which will cost some $40,000, a spokesperson for Knome declared: "Sequencing and analyzing individuals with extreme medical histories provides the greatest potential scientific value." Yeah, hugely important work that. If they really want to analyze the wonders of excess, then forget about some millionaire that lives in a mansion, pampered by the best doctors money can buy. There are a few old dudes in their 80s around my way that have lived off nothing but Sweet Afton and whiskey since the late 50s, and I'll bet they could whoop Ozzy in a bar fight if it came to it. Incidentally, following up on a story I reported on last week, Ozzy penned his first column for the Sunday Times last week, as the esteemed newspaper's new correspondent on matters of health. Here is a small sampling of his 'work': "In the mid-1970s I was taking so much coke (cocaine), I tore my clack (epiglottis) in half. The bloody thing swelled up to the size of a golf ball. I thought, 'Right, this is it - I'm gonna die now.' So I went to see my doc (doctor). 'Holy mother of Christ!' he screamed. 'How in God's name did you do that? Mr Osbourne your epiglottis is the size of a light bulb and glowing almost as brightly... Whatever you've been doing - stop doing it!'" He went on to elucidate about how anti-depressants are wreaking havoc with his sex life, writing: "I've been taking them for years and what I've found is, I can do everything except the aftershow fireworks. So I end up pumping away on top of Sharon like a road drill all night." What mellifluous prose indeed. The Sunday Times' standards have dropped lower than a snake's belly...

Just to prove that her father isn't the only writer in the family, daughter Kelly has her own column with Closer magazine, where she recently recounted an incident that occurred when she went to take a bath in the apartment she shares with boyfriend Luke Worrall. I'll let Kelly explain in her inimitably graceful way: "You won't believe what happened to me last week! I went to have a bath and found all sorts of poo in my bath tub - yes actual poo! We had to call out a plumber and Luke and I had to stay in a hotel for two nights while they sorted out the problem." Next time she should make sure that her boyfriend's housebroken before taking him home. Either that, or her mother is making up parcels for journalists that say remotely derogatory things about Ozzy's albums again. Mind you, if it was in fact a fault with the plumbing, I'm sure that John Mayer would pay a pretty penny for that bath, given his sexual predilections...

Vintner, Dennis De La Montanya will release a new wine called Whitesnake, after receiving permission from the '80s rock act to use their name on his latest zinfandel. If it's anything like it's namesake, I'm sure it will age badly, give off a distinct odor of hairspray and taste so badly that you'll wonder how anyone ever liked it in the first place...

Ronan Keating appears to have salvaged his marriage, after reports in the media now maintain that the Boyzone singer has told other woman, Francine Cornell, that their relationship is over on a permanent basis. Jeez, I would have thought he'd have gotten around to that a little sooner, seeing as he has been on the outs with wife Yvonne for nigh on a month now. Cornell is said to be devastated at the news, as Keating had supposedly spun her the time-old story about how his marriage was finished and how he would leave his wife for her. His jilted lover has now retained the services of slimy publicist Max Clifford, in order to "consider her options", which - given Clifford's involvement, is essentially a euphemism for "selling her story to the highest bidder". Not that Keating is out of the woods yet, as a report in Irish newspaper The Herald quoted a source close to his wife as saying: "'Yvonne Keating will always know that her husband has been sleeping with another woman for months, while he slept in their marital bed.' a source close to the family told the Herald today. 'That's a big thing for any woman, but for a girl like Yvonne, it'll probably always be at the forefront of her mind. Put it this way, if there were no kids, there would be no reconciliation. This is Yvonne putting herself last for the kids.'" Whew, talk about the marital equivalent of the 12 tasks of Hercules. On the plus side, at least autograph hunters will be able to discern which house he lives in from here on out; just listen for the shouting and sounds of breaking glass...

Phil Collins arrived in New York last Thursday for a special ceremony, where he was presented with the Jonny Mercer Award, by the Songwriting Hall of Fame. The prize is the highest accolade that the organization can bestow upon an artist, an act that even humbled the notoriously egotistical singer, who said of the decision: "That's something that I never thought I'd be qualified to get; I still don't think I'm qualified to get it." I do believe that's the first time I've ever agreed with Phil Collins on anything...