Joe Kavanagh's Music News

While many U2 fans are still lamenting the fact that the band will be unable to perform at this year's Glastonbury festival due to Bono's back problems, organizers of the giant music event are determined that such sentiment will be short-lived, as they anticipate booking the Irish act to make their debut in the near future. In a statement released to the media last week, a spokesperson for the festival claimed: "They've never played here before and we're very disappointed they can't perform, but they could well be back next year or the year after that." Meanwhile, there is still no word on when the band will resume the return American leg of their much-publicized U2360 tour, so named because of its giant spider-like stage, which affords panoramic views to all concertgoers. The extravagant live show may indeed be one of the most ambitious stage setups in music history, but most of the band would be quite happy to perform on a simple, traditional stage, according to bassist Adam Clayton, who told UK tabloid The Sun, that the grand stage design was of Bono's making, insisting: "It was Bono's vision, he's that kind of performer. I think the rest of us would be happy to stand on an old beer crate but he's the person working the stage." Despite all the effects and pizzazz however, Bono recently revealed that he suffered from a deep-seated fear that the band's latest tour would be a flop. He needn't have worried, as the initial leg has proven to be one of the band's most popular outings, and if ticket sales did ever slump, then U2 could always just fake some kind of incident that would allow them to get out of their commitments, right? Steady on conspiracy theorists, it's a known fact that Bono did hurt his back because he was standing too close to the Edge - sorry I couldn't help it...

Staying with such sentiment for a moment, the internet age has brought us many things; instantaneous access to a mind-blowing array of information, revolutionary methods of communication, enough porn to keep Tom Sizemore happy for at least a weekend and - inevitably - a smorgasbord of ever more delusional conspiracy theories, often cooked up by spotty imbeciles with nothing better to do than sit around sharing their crackpot conjecture on everything from the death of Elvis to Lady Gaga's genitals (in between bouts of Tom Sizemore solo activity). Over the years, these half-mad hacks have posited that medicines are designed to keep people sick in order to promote profit for drug companies, HD TVs are being used to spy on people and that the tragic earthquake in Haiti was the result of some new seismic weapon (take a bow Jim 'cuckoo' Corr). Once known as an artist of substance, whose charitable endeavors elevated her beyond the vacuous surroundings inhabited by many of her peers, it appears that M.I.A. has now crossed over to the other side, as her issuances become increasingly separated from reality. Hot on the heels of releasing the phone number of a New York Times journalist who made disparaging remarks about her, the Paper Planes singer took another step towards nutsville last week, telling Nylon: "Everyone on the Internet is like, "Oh my God, come and join Facebook!" They're all so optimistic... and really, everyone is f***ing you up behind the screens. And I don't like that. It makes it difficult for me to interact with my fans knowing that. Google and Facebook were developed by the CIA, and when you're on there, you have to know that... all governments can shift their search engines so only what they want you to see comes up." Alrighty then. I'm struggling hard to see what use the CIA could make of Facebook, other than perhaps utilizing it for blackmail material, by getting their hands on those photos that were posted of you drunk as a skunk at some party, unsuccessfully hitting on a butch transvestite (note that I am using this fictitious example for illustrative purposes only). As for Google, I can't even conceive what use the CIA might have for a search engine, but I'm relatively certain that if you type M.I.A.'s name into it in the coming weeks, you will be able to read conspiracy theories about how someone has replaced her brain with that of a half-witted pigeon...

Staying with kooky ladies of music, Susan Boyle claims that she intends to put the 'fun' into funeral, when it comes time for her to move on to the eternal ever-after. The Scottish singer insists that upon her death, she wants to take her lead from actor/comedian Peter Sellers, who famously had the track In The Mood played at his funeral, as a kind of in-joke for his friends who knew that he absolutely detested the song while alive. According to Boyle: "You've got to leave them laughing. It would have to be Nellie The Elephant. She packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus. Funerals don't have to be sad - Peter Sellers made me smile with In The Mood, so I could do it with Nellie The Elephant." Personally speaking, such an act wouldn't so much make me smile, as it would inspire me to think: 'Merciful hour, she really was nuttier than squirrel poop.' If she wants to leave people laughing then she might want to think about getting Billy Connolly or Chris Rock to perform the eulogy...

Mamma Mia! will apparently open for business in China in the near future, as the popularity of the Abba-inspired show exhibits no signs of abating. To be perfectly honest, I would nearly pay to see the Chinese version of the camp-fest, and I cannot wait to hear what title Chinese authorities bestow on the singing/dancing extravaganza. The following are just a few actual examples of Chinese names on western movies: Free Willy: A Very Powerful Whale Runs To Heaven, Nixon: Big Liar and my absolute favorite, Boogie Nights: His Great Device Makes Him Famous...

Derry's own Nadine Coyle has become a spokesperson for a new line of colostomy bags aimed at removing the stigma attached to such devices. The Girls Aloud singer was inspired to assume her role through her friendship with hairstylist, Connor Grant, who had a colostomy bag fitted after undergoing a surgical procedure. The singer will be spokesperson for a new line of underwear from fashion house, Vanilla Blush, which is aimed at destroying public preconceptions about such necessary medical attachments. Speaking of her new role last week, Coyle claimed: "(The designer) has turned people's lives around with her underwear. You can still look and feel gorgeous whilst having a colostomy or ileostomy. This was a big worry, especially in our industries where there is so much pretence at body perfection (sic). I was amazed at the negative connotations that surrounds people with a stoma and also shocked at the lack of exposure in the mainstream media. This is one taboo which I am right on board in helping to smash." Good for her, but I can't imagine there'll be too many people queuing up for front row tickets at that fashion show...

Lady Gaga left European shores last week to resume the US leg of her seemingly endless Monsters Ball tour, but not before she ruffled a few feathers in the UK. In the same week that England was appalled with the emergence of two serial killers, Lady Gaga was accused of insensitivity and poor taste, due to a segment of her act, which appears to show the leather-clad singer being murdered on stage. Many of those that attended the Manchester concert last Wednesday (June 3) were quick to pour scorn on the singer, in a story that made national headlines in the wake of a spate of recent killings in Cumbria and Bradford. Several parents who brought children along to the show were appalled at the bloody stage show, exclaiming that they expected more from someone whom many children hold up as a role model. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I think that if your children have settled upon a half-naked slapper who has translated an ounce of talent into a ton of fame as their role model, then you might want to take a look closer to home when it comes to scrutinizing negative influences on your offspring. Lady Gaga comes across as a nice lady but in all fairness, she's little more that a singing stripper in the role model stakes...

Yoko Ono claims that she hopes Oasis reform in the near future, as she thinks they are one of the most important acts to have emerged in recent times. The wife of late-Beatle, John Lennon, claims: "I love Oasis. We need the power of goodness like them. The goodness is shining from their music. I hope they will make more albums." I don't get it. The woman has never expressed a sliver of regret for her part in breaking up one of the greatest musical acts of all time, but suddenly she's become head cheerleader for reforming a band that were essentially an ersatz Beatles? Must be some kind of Jungian displaced emotion thing...

In spite of Yoko's implorations to the contrary, it appears that Oasis will not be returning any time soon, as Liam Gallagher informed the New York Times last week that he is delighted that the band split last August, saying: "In hindsight it was the best thing that's ever happened, because we're free to do whatever we want." In his case he presumably means going around talking endlessly without actually saying anything. And as for the not missing Oasis at all? He couldn't even issue that statement without quoting one of their songs, so we've moved from Jung to Freud in quick succession...

I read where UK rapper Dizzee Rascal hopes to collaborate with Marilyn Manson because he wants to explore his dark side. It's all very well saying that but it won't seem like such a good idea when Dizzee comes to in a candlelit room, naked and knocking back tumblers of his own tinkle, as Manson stands over him chanting incantations, holding a glass of hot wax and a length of rubber hose...

Colin Farrell has made it known that he wishes to follow in the tracks of... of... well, of some famous Hollywood actor who has made the transition from the silver screen to music. Okay so I'll give you Jack Black, but just bear in mind that for every one of him there is at least three Billy Bob Thornton, Russell Crowe or Keanu Reeves. Anyway, the Irish heartthrob's interest in music was piqued by his recent performance in the movie Crazy Heart, where he starred as fictitious country music star, Tommy Sweet, opposite Jeff Bridges. Speaking of a scene they had to shoot in front of an actual live audience, Farrell declared: "We were at a country and western gig in front of a thousand people and you think someone might throw a can of Coors Light (beer) at your head! It felt like they were robbed of their 10 dollars! But being on the stage at a Toby Keith concert, in front of 14,000 people was just an absolute buzz. I kind of get it a little bit more than I did before. Bono at times gets a reputation for having something of a bloated ego. Nonsense; the man is humble! After 14 minutes onstage at a Toby Keith concert, I'd be driving around Dublin in a chariot! Seriously, the buzz was amazing. If Jeff calls me up to join him on a Crazy Heart tour, I'll be there!" If he is serious about singing, then I know of a nice little show starting up over in China in the near future and I would definitely pay to see Colin Farrell belting out Dancing Queen in Mandarin. He could even audition for Pierce Brosnan's singing part because you don't even have to be able to sing for that role...