Joe Kavanagh's Music News

Much of the major headlines generated in music over the past seven days revolved around the dodgy lumbar region of one Paul Hewson, as Bono's bad back forced U2 to postpone their upcoming US tour dates, in addition to cancelling their scheduled appearance at this summer's Glastonbury festival. The band was due to re-launch their "U2360" tour this week, in Salt Lake City, until the 50-year-old singer was rushed to hospital in Germany with what doctors later declared to be "severe compression of the sciatic nerve... a serious tear in the ligament and a herniated disc". Surgery revealed that fragments of the disc had travelled into the spinal canal, but the front man is expected to make a full recovery, provided he adheres to a strict regimen of rest and rehabilitation. The injury could have been worse, as guitarist Edge, related to UK tabloid The Sun: "Luckily, he did realize, when he could no longer walk, that he needed to go to the doctor. Had he not done anything about it, it could have been serious and possibly permanent. He just overdid it and hurt himself. He was clearly in shock about the implications of the injury." Reports claim that all four members are devastated at having to cancel their Glastonbury debut, with manager Paul McGuinness announcing: "Our biggest and I believe best tour has been interrupted and we're all devastated. For a performer who lives to be on stage, this is more than a blow." Jeez, steady on lads, it's not like anybody died...

With U2 out of their Friday slot at Glastonbury, the rush was on to find a suitable replacement, with names like the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith and even Led Zeppelin, all rumored to be in the running early last week. In the end, festival organizers settled upon Gorillaz to step into the line-up chasm left by U2's cancellation. While the band cannot compete with the Irish legends in terms of back catalogue, they are certainly more than capable of matching their stage show, and in Damon Albarn, have a veteran front man already well versed in what it takes to headline the monstrous music extravaganza. Glastonbury owner/organizer Michael Eavis is certain that the animated electro-act will rise to the occasion, telling the media last week: "It'll be a massive audio visual spectacle which will really ignite the Pyramid Stage on the Friday night, with Muse, then Stevie Wonder to follow (on Saturday and Sunday respectively)." ...

Like Bono's spinal difficulties, the other major news story in Irish music was a spillover tale from a week ago, as Ronan Keating's infidelity, and the subsequent implosion of his marriage, continued to chew up headlines in the media. The former pin-up boy for marital harmony was thrown out of his home last week by wife of 12 years, Yvonne, who discovered that he had been having an affair with a backing dancer while out on the road with Boyzone. The week's newspapers were full of photos of a dejected-looking Keating, and tales of his efforts to win back the heart of his wife, as the entire episode played out in the burning heat of the public glare. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for him and kind of brings to mind the Simpsons episode where Apu has to perform a denigrating set of tasks after being caught out for his philandering ways. Keating is currently under such duress that Boyzone have decided to put their next album on hold, until he sorts out his domestic troubles. Oh well, at least some good has come out of all of this...

While most people have been sympathetic, in public anyway, regarding Keating's wandering ways, rapper Dizzee Rascal thinks that the Irishman's problems are all of his own making, telling a journalist last week: "Ronan Keating's mistake was getting married and still trying to have fun. It always happens on tour. I'm in no rush to settle down. I'm single and having the time of my life. I'd like kids and a solid family life later." I'd have to agree but Dizzee Rascal just set himself up for the mother of all 'Na-na-na-na na's' if he ever does get married and is caught playing away from home...

While Ronan Keating's marriage may still be retrievable, Cheryl Cole's apparently is not, as the Geordie singer reputedly opened divorce proceedings against her cheating Chelsea footballer husband, Ashley Cole. Anxious to get proceedings over with as quickly as possible, she has even cited "unreasonable behavior", instead of "adultery", as the reason for her wish for a divorce, as the former plea will expedite the process. The singer will allegedly revert to her maiden name of Cheryl Tweedy, and if there is any justice in the world, her husband will assume a name more befitting of his personality as part of the divorce settlement. I'm thinking something like Greedy McSneakycheat would be entirely appropriate...

Running the full gambit from marriages in trouble, to divorce proceedings, we now arrive at ex-wives - or an ex-wife to be specific - as Paul McCartney's former paramour, Heather Mills was in the news last week for telling a reporter that she has no wish to have any more children because the world is already overpopulated. She did, however, claim that she might attempt to adopt a child in the future. I'm not one for telling people how to do their job, but I'm really hoping that any worker at an adoption agency would be conscientious enough to reach for the shredding machine when they take one look at her application. I wouldn't let Heather Mills take care of my pet turtles for the weekend, and they're pretty much like having a pair of pet rocks. Mills also revealed that her six-year-old daughter with Macca, Beatrice, shares the animal-loving beliefs of her parents, and is quite vociferous in her opinions, despite her young age. According to her mother: "She often approaches people in restaurants and says. "'You know that's a baby cow?' People must think that is what I tell her at home, but it's not." I'm guessing that if you responded with: "You know that your mother is a gold-digging fruitcake", that would soon solve the problem of young Beatrice haranguing strangers over their choice of entrée...

The Rolling Stones have endured a few PR hiccups recently, as the band's handlers scrambled to put paid to several rumors relating to lineup changes. First up was Australian newspaper, The Herald Sun, which announced that Stones drummer Charlie Watts had decided to hang up his sticks, paving the way for American replacement drummer, Steve Jordan. The story drew a palpably angry response from a band spokesperson who issued a terse statement refuting the claim, declaring: "Contrary to a fabricated and ill informed report that appeared yesterday on a small music website in Australia, we would like to make it clear that drummer Charlie Watts has not left The Rolling Stones." The same 'Charlie Watts quits' story appears to emerge every year at some stage, which is hardly surprising, given that the man must be 287-years-old at this point. It's mildly paradoxical that rock'n'roll is considered a young man's game, yet if Charlie Watts were employed in virtually any other profession, he would undoubtedly be facing mandatory retirement at this point...

Charlie Watts wasn't the only one rumored to be on his way out the door in the Stones, as the band's website recently listed Ron Wood's tenure in the legendary act as spanning from "1976 - 2010". Again, spokespeople were quick to declare it a simple typo, which seems slightly coincidental, considering rumors have circulated for months positing that the band has tired of Wood's near-continuous battle with chronic alcoholism. Add to this the fact that Wood recently reformed the Faces, and now might seem like a good time for a change. If he was bothered by the posting (which has since been changed to read: "1976-present") he didn't let on, as he proudly told UK rag, The Daily Mail that he has been sober for the past 60 days and is looking forward to embarking on a tour with The Faces. Speaking of paradoxes, the band has chosen Mick Hucknall to stand in as lead singer, instead of original front man, Rod Stewart, who was unable to join them on tour due to scheduling conflicts, which is a pretty snazzy euphemism for not enough money involved. Incidentally, I would think that Ron Wood would be the easiest member to get rid of from the Stones. All you would have to do is buy him a bottle of vodka or two and let blackouts and benders do the rest...

I read last week where Happy Mondays dancer/maracas player Bez (real name: Mark Berry) was up in court for assaulting his girlfriend, Monica Ward, after kicking down her front door in Manchester. Standing in court last Thursday, Berry dismissed her allegations, saying: "There was no assault. It is a fabrication of lies." He might want to let his brief do the talking the next time because surely a "fabrication of lies" is the truth, no? ...

I also read where Sting's daughter Coco is on the verge of completing her debut album, but is having trouble nailing down the final cut, telling a journalist: "The thing is, there are 15 tracks mixed and mastered, but Island Records only want 11 tracks on the record. We'll have to sacrifice four and it's really doing my head in. I think I might just get one of my friends to do it because I'm my own worst critic." We'll be the judge of that...

With all of the headgear and makeup that Lady Gaga cavorts around stage with, it can often be difficult to tell what she looks like, never mind what she is thinking, but the singer's emotions were evident for all to see last Thursday night (May 27) during a gig in Nottingham. The flamboyant performer informed the crowd that her grandfather is currently in poor health, tears welling in her eyes as she told the audience how her father asked that she dedicate a song to him, saying: "So it's been one of those tough things that my grandpa's too old to come to my show, but I suppose if we sing loud enough, he'll be able to hear us. So this one's for you grandpa. This record's called 'Speechless.'" And they say the hearing is the first to go...

While most of the music media is obsessed with talking about Lady Gaga, M.I.A. has announced that she will no longer speak of the Poker Face singer in interviews, although she couldn't help getting one more dig in before embarking on her vow of silence. The Paper Planes singer told Y2K Daily: "I can't talk about Gaga anymore. All I'll say is, it's upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent." M.I.A. also caused a little controversy last week when she posted the phone number of a New York Times Magazine journalist online, after she wrote an unfavorable piece about her. An enraged M.I.A. placed Lynn Hirschberg's number on her Twitter account, and blasted: "CALL ME IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME ABOUT THE N Y T TRUTH ISSUE, ill b taking calls all day b**ches." Hirschberg was magnanimous regarding the whole affair, stating: "It's a fairly unethical thing to do, but I don't think it's surprising... The messages (I've received) have mostly been from people trying to hook up with M.I.A." In M.I.A.'s defense, Hirschberg's piece did essentially call her out as a manipulative, hypocritical, publicity-seeker who sings about the plight of the poor from the comfort of her plush ivory tower right in the heart of Babylon...

Still, there are better phone pranks, such as the time recently when a friend of mine left his cellphone behind when he went to use the rest room. While he was gone, one of our company picked it up, scrolled through his address book to his girlfriend's number and sent the following text: "Of course she won't find out and I can't wait to see you again. We'll just have to be careful, that's all xxx."