"Welcome To Islamic Ireland".... And Other Tales From The Asylum

"To anyone who is not living in cloud cuckoo land, like Fianna Fail, it is obvious that we are not out of a recession - despite the protestations of Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan a few weeks ago.
"Unfortunately it is now a reality that businesses with a good record are seeing their overdrafts and loan extensions reduced or completely withdrawn by the banks [ ...that the taxpayer bailed out]."
- Labour finance spokeswoman Joan Burton

By Charley Brady

Once I had recovered from the shock of seeing alleged Leftie Vanessa Redgrave giving that cringe worthy, obsequious curtsy to Prince William during the week (and let's be honest, it has to be the most skin-crawling piece of bowing to your betters since Obama's horrifying "my forehead must touch the ground in the presence of Asian superiority" last month) I came across a very good letter and think that it's worth quoting in full.

It was sent to at least one of the newspapers here by James Malone of Pollerton, County Carlow.

Despair ye not: I have no option in the name of sanity but to return to Vanessa later; but in the meantime Mr. Malone wrote:

"The recent decision of the Government to incorporate aspects of Sharia law into the financial services should come as no surprise.

"This, after all, is the same Government that brought in the blasphemy laws.

"It is quite obvious that these laws were brought in to protect the feelings of the people with the petro-dollars.

"So much for free speech in Ireland. It now transpires that a Lebanese Muslim, granted asylum in this country, wishes to bring his second wife here. The case is being taken to the High Court, at the expense of the taxpayer, of course. We can expect this Government to cave in to this latest demand.

"Sharia law permits a husband to have four wives; it does not permit a wife to have four husbands. It also permits wife-beating, something Irish feminists are very quiet about.

"Can we expect the Government to pass legislation permitting Muslim husbands to beat their wives? After all, no point in upsetting the rich people with the petro-dollars.

"But since this Government is economically illiterate, it needs a lesson. On average, a married woman in Saudi Arabia or Yemen gives birth to six children. Consequently, a husband with four wives can have 24 children.

"Translate this to Ireland and our generous welfare system, and the outcome of this pending court case becomes alarming.

"Don't expect this Government to turn back the tide when the floodgates open. This is the same Government that noticed nothing amiss when a Pakistani cricket team went missing.

"Welcome to the Islamic Republic of Ireland!"

Well said, Mr. Malone! And thank you: since I had intended to cover that character this week, you have saved me the time.

Jeez, no wonder they're tripping over themselves to get to the Land of the Soft Touch. Of course, this doesn't apply to those who have actually LIVED in Ireland either for decades or who were born here. In that case, my friends, then you will have to fight tooth-and-nail in order to get a pittance if you have fallen on hard times; and if you have been classed as self-employed then you will get bugger all.

On a lighter note I almost suffered a massive brain embolism this morning. I thought that all of my trials were over as I began to choke on my porridge while reading the morning papers. (Well, you know what we men are like when it comes to multi-tasking.)

It flashed through my mind that, in a half century of life that could never have been called tame, I was going to die for the banal reason that I had put on a topping of chopped bananas.

Unless I'm sending this missive from beyond the grave then I survived; but what brought on this terrible coughing fit? Well, it was coming across an article that said that an Irish tax-cheating couple had actually been sent to jail. White-collar criminals being sent to jail in Ireland?

No wonder I was gasping for breath and wishing that there was someone there who knew the Heimlich Manoeuvre.

However, sanity was restored: they were in fact cheating against the British Government and their trial was in Belfast. To think that I almost believed for a moment that the Republic was actually jailing crooks! Thinking back, it was a pretty damned stupid assumption to make.

Altogether now: Who goes to jail in Ireland for cleaning windows without declaring the huge amounts of loot that they're making from this lucrative enterprise?

The small people do!

Who goes to jail for doing a couple of nights in a bar in order to supplement their meagre welfare?

The small people do!

Who doesn't go to jail for ripping off their own banks and for destroying the savings of Paddy and Mary Q. Sucker?

The guys in the suits and ties! The guys with the fetching little pocket handkerchiefs and the starched white collars. The People Who Matter! That's who doesn't ever go to jail here!

Who doesn't go to jail when they are caught perjuring themselves or taking brown envelopes stuffed with money from any sleazy developer that comes their way? The politicians don't!

This is Ireland! This is an open-air mental hospital where the lunatics have taken over the asylum!

So, yes: it was rather refreshing to see 56-year-old Patrick Small and his 50-year-old wife Mary being banged up for three-and-a-half and two-and-a-half years respectively. I'd probably have had a little sympathy if they had kept it low key instead of living in a mansion that almost made Buckingham Palace look a little on the tawdry side. They had millions in offshore accounts, stuffed down drains; cashed cheques which never went through their company books; and still claimed tax credits! No doubt about it: Mr. And Mrs. Small were eminently qualified to move into politics eventually.

Talking about rogues who squirrel their dishonest shekels away, we're back to the disgraced head of Anglo Irish Bank, Sean FitzPatrick. It's about eleven months now since I wrote about this grasping chancer but of course it's taken our miracle workers in the Dail that long to start commenting seriously on him. Personally, I'm amazed that it hasn't taken them longer.

It's a whole year since the Fraud Squad raided the bank's offices, took a look at Seanie's crisp white collar and told him to enjoy his upcoming sun holiday. "No hurry back, sir," they undoubtedly said as they tugged their forelocks while bowing and scraping before their betters. "We've had a few bits of oul' complainin' from investors and such like, sir. We'll try to delay any information getting out to the little people.

They don't understand how important people such as yourself work, sir, you and that nice friend of yours, "Fingers" Fingleton of Irish Nationwide. Don't get the broader picture, so they don't sir, if you don't mind my saying."

On Thursday and not before time Charlie Flanagan, Fine Gael's justice spokesman wondered how the hell the Americans were able to charge Bernie Madoff, and have him tried and banged up all within 91 days.

I almost cheered when he said: "What does it take for white-collar crime to be prosecuted?"

Predictably, as he uttered those terrible words, "illegal banking practices", Fianna Fail went berserk and tried to rule him out of order. Well, you have heard the expression "as thick as thieves", haven't you?

Mr. Flanagan went on to point out: "Many Irish bankers at the centre of the single biggest banking scandal in Irish history have, as yet, not even been questioned."

Fianna Fail's Minister for Sending Jobs Abroad, the quite spectacularly useless Mary Coughlin, tried to give herself some distance by remarking that she had no role in the investigation, that it was her job to send as many jobs outside the country as possible [Okay, I made that part up. True, though.] and that "under no circumstances" would she risk undermining the Garda investigation by making public comment.

You have to laugh.

That's not the only way that Charlie Flanagan annoyed Mary Coughlin this week, either. She was rightly in the firing line for failing to act in time to protect jobs at Dell, Cadbury and Ryanair.

Miss Coughlan had said: "The Company Law (Consolidation and Reform) Bill, if anybody is interested, is huge legislation"

To which Mr. Flanagan added: "It is too big for the Minister."

Seems reasonable enough to me. After all, this is the woman who gave us all a nice lecture on "Einstein's Theory of Evolution".

You say Einstein, I say Darwin, but one thing is for sure. Mary wasn't about to have her mental capabilities called into question. For mildly uttering those seven little words Mary was down Charlie's throat like a ferret: "If the Deputy wishes to throw a condescending, sexist remark across the House, that is fine.

"It is very much the calibre of Deputy Flanagan. But I would expect more from him after all these years in the House."

Fine Gael T.D. Olivia Mitchell quite rightly said: "Where was it sexist?" while party spokesman James Reilly said: "Talk about imagined slights."

It's funny, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember Mary being upset when Bob Geldof told her that she had a nice pair of legs. I guess it depends on who's commenting.

Or maybe she just had a touch of PMT that day.

Now that's the kind of condescending, sexist remark that we all expect from a no-good, smart-aleck journalist.

Thanks for the emails on good old Gerry ("I was never a member of the IRA") Adams and his lecturing on his close friend Jesus, last week. I was expecting a bit of a kicking for that one but instead received letters from people who were as p***ed off as I was.

I'm sure that he could care less: I would have probably taken €11,000 for telling people how spiritually affected by the great man's teachings I was. Except of course I don't really believe that I would have. Never mind: I have no doubt that Gerry, true philanthropist that he is, gave his fee to charity.

Yeah, right.

I wonder if man of the people Bertie Ahern gave away his fee for telling us how he goes for Holy Communion every week despite not going to Confession for decades. I'm not a God-botherer myself, but isn't that kind of against the Management rules? Still, I'm damned sure that he didn't give away the €100,000 he received for his pension last year, while still supposedly being a working stiff.

I'll have to ask Pope Bennie about Gerry's contribution to theological thinking - or, since he is inexplicably not returning my calls, maybe I'll get the tax-dodger Saint Bono of Africa to give him a bell.

Man, that guy can even talk to astronauts in space. No reason that he can't get through to a sky-pilot sitting on his throne in his own city- state.

Which brings me back to Vanessa Redgrave. Seriously, what the hell was that about at the BAFTA awards? She was curtsying so low that, watching in utter cringe- mode from behind the chair, I really thought that she was never going to get back up. Even Prince William had the decency to look completetely embarrassed.

Despite being a film buff I usually make all attempts possible to avoid watching extremely talented people that I like accepting their awards. It's just not worth it.

Watching a bunch of luvvies giving teeth-curling speeches is enough to have you reaching for the straight razor.

And I do like Redgraves' acting. Who wouldn't? I just have tried over the years to forget her loopy politics. You know the kind of thing: pro- Cuba, support for Black Muslims and on and endlessly on.

Theatre director Peter Hall once said of her: "In life, which is true, she is false. In art, which is false, she is true." Well, we got a sight of that reality last week.

Between Obama making a show of himself and our Irish bishops lining up to kiss the ring of Bennie, there just must be something in the air.

Of course, there was a full moon at the time.

And don't for a moment think that we're immune here in Ireland. If Queen Elizabeth visited here next week we would have every ass-kisser in the country lining up to disgrace themselves with the kind of curtsying and forelock tugging that would make Vanessa Redgrave's crawling look like the height of decorum.

Hope to see you all again next week.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net