Best Effects, Bleeding Hearts And Bertie Of The Beatitudes

"Horror, as an identifiable sub- genre of literature, has been around at least since 1764 and The Castle of Otranto; notwithstanding that I like to think that the first manifestation of it was in the earliest written record, the recounting of Gilgamesh cutting trail with Grendel, which has been the high-water mark for mind - numbing horror until Britney Spears came along".
- Writer, amongst a multitude of other things, Harlan Ellison.

By Charley Brady

Ah, how pleasant to sit down and for once rejoice in talking about the good things in life.

You know what I mean: the Irish contingent involved in this year's Oscar awards. On top of the fact that four of the guys came from the Ballyfermot College of Further Education it is just a huge achievement for Ireland even to be nominated. And to the people who had their heads up their own asses back in 1990 and who smirked at anyone who was going to a college in Ballyfermot ("couldn't really be one of us with that address") a big middle finger to them.

I wonder what those ignorant bloody snobs are doing now.

Ireland is across the board with Irish nominees for the best visual effects in the world. And to make it even better they represent three of my favourite films from last year: the extraordinary re- imagining of "Star Trek"; the awesome and thought provoking film that was "District 9"; and of course "Avatar".

"Avatar": let's be honest here; any film that upsets the frock wearing frauds who hang out in the Vatican just has to get the Brady Seal of Approval.

This is where Richard Baneham of Tallagh in Dublin comes in. He's one of the guys that is in the running for the Visual Effects Academy Award.

Personally, I hate him. How could you not hate him when you look at the achievements that he already has under his belt at the age of 36?

He went to Los Angeles without a job - now that is a guy with balls as big as the universe that he describes so vividly - and then ended up working on such stuff as "The Swan Princess" and "Space Jam" before going onto such big budgeters as "The Lord of the Rings" where he truly brought the haunted little creature that was Gollum to life.

What's not to hate? But jealousy aside I wish him the very best: he deserves it.

Since he is just one of a whole bunch that I can tell you were looked down on because of the address that they had back in the day then I can only now say to the same creatures: UP YOURS!

One film that might have gone under the radar in America is a low budget Irish film, shot in Dublin called "8.5 Hours". Written and directed by Brian Lalley, it was made for around €100,000 and that alone is remarkable in a world where a television commercial can scarcely be made for that now.

It has had some very mixed reviews, including downright terrible ones but has also won Best Irish Feature Film at the Film Festival in Clonmel and 2nd best at the Waterford Film Festival, as well as Best Actress for Lynette Callaghan at Belfast's Yellow Fever Independent Awards.

I thought that it captured that atmosphere of the last days of the Celtic Tiger very well. It's set in 2007 and shows all of its seediness, excess, casual sexual encounters and even more casual drug use. I lived in Dublin for twenty years and recognised an awful lot in the four stories that it centers on; although I personally think that the writing had been on the wall for a few years before that.

Quite honestly I thought that the Celtic Tiger years were awful ones to live through, where so many just changed into other people.

I was doing articles for the property section in the Sunday Independent at that time (2005-07) and quite frankly even stopped going into "The Thatch" in Oranmore for a drink as I was bound to be hit on by some colossal bore who wanted to talk telephone numbers to me.

It's safe to go in there now, of course, as most of these big shots have had manners put on them. People just lost the plot for a while and if I'm honest I can't entirely excuse myself in that regard. I went through a phase where it seemed as if the money would never run out and that it was our right to take a holiday whenever we damned well pleased. Those days have gone, that's for sure.

As one character in "8.5 Hours" puts it: "We were the fist generation to have everything: we went to university, landed great jobs, made lots of money and some of us still managed to f*** it up."

As I said, the casual drug use that was prevalent in Dublin then is captured nicely, without being dwelt on. Watching it, I was amazed once more at why I never was interested in trying them, given that I have a pretty damned addictive nature. It certainly wasn't for lack of opportunity. So many that I worked with just took it for granted that they would be getting hammered at the weekend.

As to the mind-numbing horror quoted at the top of this page: when I was nine-years-old my Mother let me stay up late to see Boris Karloff in the 1931 version of "Frankenstein". From that moment I was hooked and never grew out of my addiction to horror and fantasy cinema.

But "8.5 Hours" is a social drama and so I wasn't expecting anything of the kind here. Yet the conclusion to one of the four stories in the final ten minutes of the film is one of the most disturbing and awful scenes you are likely to see in a long time, perfectly capturing the poisonous and corrosive effect that too much religion has on some people.

"8.5 Hours" is definitely recommended.

Regular readers may remember that some months back I wrote of the absolutely ridiculous laws we have in Ireland that makes it almost an offence to defend your home from intruders. We are supposed to back away, to use only "minimal force", whatever the hell that is and so on.

In fact several years ago, during a particularly hot spell, a couple who were living quite close to Renville Woods here were experiencing a problem with flies. The fellow that they called in thought that they might be breeding in the attic and wondered if they would consider moving out for a couple of days while he sprayed some sort of gas around the place.

There was one drawback, though: they would have to put large signs on all the doors clearly saying what was being done. When they asked why this rather embarrassing stipulation was necessary they were told that it was to protect the rights of any burglar who broke in and inhaled the gas! Can you bloody believe it?

As it happened, the problem went with the hot weather but it perfectly illustrates the insanity of these times when a lousy criminal lowlife has more rights than the home-owner.

In recent months there have been moves to change these brainless laws in favour of the ordinary person, right up to letting them use lethal force.

But there's already a problem, as you have guessed. Oh come on, this is Ireland so of course you have.

At an Oireachtas committee meeting Fianna Fail T.D. Sean Connick came out in favour of a complete overhaul of the current laws as they stand, whereby a burglar can sue you if you split the bastard's head wide open while he's robbing you.

Connick stated: "As a child growing up we would have raided orchards, but there was always an orchard or two you wouldn't go near because you were afraid the guy who owned it had a reputaion of coming out after you, firing a shot into the air.

"So fear does work: it has a part to play in ensuring people think twice before they cross the threshold."

Leaving aside the doziness of using the orchard example - they're not kids these days and it sure isn't apples that they're after - that doesn't sound like a bad idea, especially as it came from a Fianna Failer.

Irish Rural Link, which represents some 300 rural community organisations, told a Dail committee in January that it supported the concept of the "castle doctrine" which means that those in their own homes are under no obligation to retreat from intruders as they are at the moment. Again, this seems like simple common sense to me. One retired couple in the Longford village of Clondora were tortured during a raid on their home. Why should they not have been allowed to use lethal force on scum like that?

But step forward the Irish Council for Civil Liberties - and wasn't it a foregone conclusion that these characters would have their antennae short circuiting on hearing sanity being prevailed upon? The ICCL director, human rights lawyer Mark Kelly said that if lethal force were extended to driveways, fields and gardens [and why hell shouldn't it be?] then it would lead to children being shot in orchards. Well, I just knew the orchard example was going to cause problems!

He went on: "The definition of the vicinity of a dwelling in the Law Reform Commission proposals is so broad it could encompass precisely that situation.

"If the Law Reform Commission proposals became law, potentially there wouldn't be a safe orchard in the country."

Jesus wept.

He also stated that while an owner had a right to defend himself the burglar also had a right not to be shot!

Well, my freaking heart bleeds for the rights of that poor burglar. Maybe he could exercise his damned right to stay the hell out of my home!

Doctor and commentator Mark Dooley also states that "it would be a violation of the burglar's 'civil liberties' were a homeowner to deploy lethal force in order to defend himself."

You know what? To hell with it. I'm just going to let that statement speak for itself.

Finally, Gay Byrne, the man who retired but never went away has an entertaining new show on RTE One called "The Meaning of Life". At least the two guests that I've seen have been very good - actors Gabriel Byrne and Brenda Fricker. They talked about their backgrounds and beliefs.

But last night he had on a man whose only belief is in his ability to screw over the public once again.

Yep, it was chancer supreme Bertie Ahern, the man with the most kickable face in Ireland. I gave it a miss as there's just not enough time in the world to waste.

Anyway, it's bad enough looking at that simpering grin in the paper and I can't really afford another smashed-in TV.

However, according to journalist Lynne Kelleher "In an extraordinary self- serving interview [ah, come on, Lynne: this is Bertie we're talking about] on Gay Byrne's Meaning of Life, the disgraced politician claims he lives by the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes of Christ."

When you hear someone TELLING you how devout and holy he is then you just know that you're in the company of a chancer. And his powerful faith (which presumably doesn't include not telling little white porkies to the Mahon Tribunal) cemented his relationship with another holy roller.

"When I came face to face time and time again with the great Ian Paisley, it was the one thing we were able to share, which surprised him... The famous morning we had a meeting just one-to-one in the Irish embassy... he was saying a prayer and I joined in with him. That had a profound impact on him."

I swear that I have a little tear in my eye as I picture that cosy scene. Great. You set out to write a happy column and before you know it you're up to your ass in bleeding hearts and Bertie Ahern's Beatitudes.

Maybe I'll have better luck next week and I hope to see you all then.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net