G'Day From Downunder

Hope you got a new kettle for the New Year as we gave the old one a bit of a hammering with all the cuppa's we had last year; well what are you waiting for? Go on, plug it in and we'll have the first fresh cuppa to start the New Year and while you're at it why not put on your slippers and put your feet up.

Happy New Year to you and I sincerely hope it will be a much better one for you all this yeart and thank you for the good wishes and greetings you so kindly sent me over the festive season.

Now lets get down to brass tacks; the fat man in the red suit is now only a blur in our minds and he has left a trail of diaster behind. Mountains of present wrappings to be disposed of, lots of broken or useless toys to be returned and still a half fridge of leftover homemade pudding staring at us every time we open it.

Then there is the multiple kilos or lbs or hundred weights or whatever else you would like to call it, of extra weight we all put on. We now have to shed that, or we will die from high blood pressure, diabetes or alcohol poisoning. Oh my God why do we punish ourselves like this? Why? Because we love it and it takes our minds off the stupid things in life. Oh my God did I say stupid things? How we soon forget!

In October 2007 everyone thought the world was going to go belly up due to the greed of the fat cats, or as I call them the three thousand dollar suit men, or as they probably call themselves 'the Scholars of Oxford and Harvard'... ha ha!!

Those wonderful intellects that only ever know how to operate in hindsight, and haven't yet discovered the word foresight and that goes for all those Oxford and Harvard scholars and all the other text book gurus.

So let me give you my 2010 present, a lesson in common sense that I learnt in the University of Life back in the hungry streets of Gurranabraher in Cork in the 50s. You pulled your belt in when times got tough, you didn't spend what you didn't have, you got paid for what you contributed in sweat and blood, you didn't steal from the poor and you never bought a pig in a poke. Are you following me, or is this lesson a little beyond you?

Why am I saying all this again about those white collar crooks? Because I want you to never, never again trust those who haven't walked the walk or talked the talk and as surely as I predicated the disaster of October 2007 and the recovery of 2009 mark my words it will all happen again in the future.

So, make sure you keep an eye on your money and assets. There are still many opportunities to make money over the next couple of years and my advice is to thread your own path. Your gut feelings will speak volumes.

Now on to a totally different subject: it's still celebration time, but this time it's only for us who are privileged to be Irish!

Did you hear the news a few weeks ago? Well if you didn't let's have a celebration drink (after the regular cuppa tea!) Let's try a Bailey's or two to get us into the mood of it. What I'm saying is that "I'm already in the mood" and don't tell me you don't know what the occasion is! Well if you don't you must have been on Mars or drunk out of your mind. It is official, the Irish accent is the sexiest accent in the world according to a survey published last week and I don't give a rat's arse who came second or third or anywhere else.

I had always thought it was my good looks and charm that won over the women in my younger days, but no it was the fact I was carrying this secret weapon now known as the sexiest accent on earth.

I did realise thirty-five years ago when I set out to row my way across the world to the last frontier I now know as Australia, that I had something special on the tip of my tongue but I always thought it was a pimple.

I had what every man in every other country wanted; a brogue, Oh yea, what a handy tool to be carrying around in your mouth. When I landed on Australian shores and stuck the tri-colour flag in the sand all those years ago, little did the natives know then the value I would be adding to their diverse culture.

In the mist of all their diversity, a lone glowing honey tasting and angelic sounding accent Irish in all its splendour and to add extra spice to it and a Cork one at that.

My wife who has been driving me mad for years constantly asking me to repeat myself, saying she can't understand what I'm saying, hasn't been upfront with me; I now believe the only reason she has been asking me to repeat myself is because she loves listening to the sexiest accent in the world; how could I have got it all so wrong for so many years?

Now let's be realistic here, I don't expect her to admit to it, not after all those years she thought she was tormenting me. When you think about it having the sexiest accent is better than winning a lottery, the winnings might run out one day but the sexiest accent stays forever! Yes I would forfeit the winning lottery ticket any day for my Irish accent. No matter how rich you are you can't buy an Irish accent. It's a bit of a shame it took this long to recognise what every Irish man already knew anyway.

If the world wasn't so slow in recognising this long overdue credit to the Irish, things could have been so different. Walt Disney might have had Mickey Mouse sounding like Darby O'Gill, Errol Flynn could have been doing his pirate movies with an Irish accent; on the other hand I don't think he would have bedded many more women as I think he was already up to his limit and I don't think a sexy Irish accent would have got Richard Nixon out of his dilemma at Watergate.

I'm not sure if it would have helped Bill Clinton either when he did a different version of Riverdance with Monica. Can you imagine ESPN's Irish own Tommy Smyth with a Y sounding like Brad Pitt or Daniel Craig no, no, no! Oh for God's sake give me a brogue.

Some people wear their accent like a crown as I do myself; I know some of you guys who are reading this article down at your local, watching the football are getting a little tingly thinking to yourselves "maybe I should fold up the paper tuck it under my arm and trot home and use a bit of the old sexiest accent on earth on the misses and see how I go".

Well let me put you on your guard before you go, ring her first OK? Because don't forget if she is Irish she also has the sexiest accent in the world and you wouldn't want to walk in unannounced and find she was taking advantage of using her sexiest accent on some poor unsuspecting well built body builder.

I suppose now when you look back in history when the Irish ventured out to all the corners of the world (silly when I say all the corners of the world when the world is round).Typified by the time I rowed all the way from Cork to Melbourne myself with nothing but a bread and butter sandwich and my old school sack on my back and heaving like the clappers at about sixty knots during the day and forty five at night.

We unselfishly brought to the world this wonderful sexy brogue that God was so good to recognise that we Irish would be best trusted with and that's why they call him God 'cause he's smart and he knows who to give the good things to.

Now in saying that I don't think it was the smartest thing he ever did when he gave us the English as neighbours. I'm sure he could have done a lot better than that, but I suppose it must p*** our neighbours off when they have to compete with the sexiest accent on earth and didn't poor old Maggie Thatcher always sounded like she was sitting on a red hot poker anyway; maybe an accent transplant might have worked wonders for the old witch. No I think what that old battleaxe needed was a miracle and I couldn't see God wasting one on her.

Now that everyone knows that's official and everyone in the world knows that we have the sexiest accent in the world, we will be well and truly tormented by every social climber in the world wanting to use us as chick magnets. No doubt most of our time will be taken up fighting off unwelcome advances from sex starved outsiders. I don't think I will be able to cope with all the extra attention, I will have to get myself a few bodyguards like J Lo or worse, never again to open my mouth to speak for fear of setting off a frenzy among the local females.

I think I had better find that old rowing boat of mine and row my way back to Ireland where I can get lost among my own kind. It's probably the only place on earth where my sexy Irish accent won't shine like a beacon and I will be able to rest in peace. I am at the stage of my life when I thought I could slow down and now this happens! Oh my God, save me!

Until I talk to you again, be good to those who love you and keep your mouth shut if you don't want to set off a frenzy among the ladies. Sláinte from Downunder!

Let me know what you think by e-mailing me at mike@globefins.com.au.