Joe Kavanagh's Music News

I'd like to begin this week's column by wishing everyone a healthy and prosperous New Year, and I hope that it brings you everything that you could ask of it. While the coming twelve months will no doubt bring their fair share of surprises for us all, Van Morrsson has already endured quite the shock after discovering that he had allegedly become a father to George Ivan Morrison III, at the relatively advanced age of 64-years-old, when a statement detailing the fact appeared on his official website. Proving Churchill's adage about a lie getting halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to put its pants on, the only trouble with the Van Morrison's announcement was the fact that it was made by mischievous pranksters who had managed to hack into his website for the second time in three months. A subsequent statement issued by the singer claimed: "Once these claims were brought to our attention, they were taken down from the site but not before news organizations repeated these falsehoods. The comments which appeared on my website did not come from me... For the avoidance of all doubt and in the interests of clarity, I am very happily married to Michelle Morrison with whom I have two wonderful children." How do we know that that statement was issued by the real Van Morrison? If they wanted to say something truly unbelievable about Van the Man, they should have hacked in and made an announcement that he cracked a smile...

One man who will no doubt be glad to see the back of 2009 is surely Ron Wood, as it will forever be known as the year that he made a bit of a tool out of himself in front of, oh say half of the globe. The legendary Rolling Stones guitarist has finally put paid to his stormy relationship with 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress, Ekaterina Ivanova, after the two became embroiled in a heated public argument last month. Although he was arrested for suspected assault on the day in question, Woods was exonerated at a court appearance over the holiday period, drawing a line under a tempestuous relationship, which cost him a marriage and a large slice of his dignity. Predictably, Ivanova has gone on to do a tour of the tabloid circuit, ensuring that she milks her moment for all it's worth, while simultaneously rubbing salt in Ron's wizened wounds. All the while she has referred to him as "an evil goblin king" living in a castle, keeping her hidden away from the world like some fairytale princess. She told UK tabloid The Sun: "At my lowest I think I really wanted to die, but none of the attempts were that serious. I felt so low but whenever I tried to talk to Ronnie he'd just say, 'I love you, you're beautiful, why don't we go shopping?' I felt he wouldn't take me seriously at all. I just wanted to talk to the person I loved about how I was feeling." She even added: "There is no way I am ever going back to Ronnie." I'm pretty certain that selling intimate details of their private life to the highest bidder has ensured that there is no way back into that castle for her. What she fails to reveal in these interviews is how she has spent the past year and a half partying around the world on his dime, while enjoying spending sprees that would make Paris Hilton blush, all on credit cards owned by this allegedly terrible man. Does she not even realize that the only reason anyone cares a jot about what she has to say is because of her association with one of the most recognizable faces in music? It's becoming increasingly obvious that he certainly was not after her for her personality anyway, no more than she was after him for his. If she thinks that we believe that she would be with him if he was Ron Wood refuse collector, then she's even more stupid than she looks, which is no small feat. I actually find it somewhat endearing that Ron Wood is vulnerable and idealistic enough to believe that true love could happen between he and someone over four decades his junior...

Speaking of the Rolling Stones, Mick Jagger will reportedly sit down with Woods in the coming week or two, in order to see if the guitarist will be able to perform on a scheduled tour by the band, which is set to begin later this year. A source close to the band was quoted in Britain's Daily Express as saying: "Mick and Ronnie will talk things through in the New Year. They are old friends and Mick will obviously do everything he can to help him. But when it comes to the Stones, Mick has a real eye for detail and always ensures things run like clockwork. He'll need to be convinced that Ronnie is still up to the job. Hopefully everything will work out, as it would break Ronnie's heart if the Stones had to perform without him." I would have thought that given his recent problems, getting out on the road would probably be exactly what Ron Wood needs in the coming months and if Mick Jagger has a heart, or a screed of loyalty, then he would wait until the poor chap is ready to rejoin his band mates. That's a big if, but it's not like the Stones are in dire need of money or have a decent album that needs plugging because that hasn't been the case since long before young Ekaterina was a twinkle in her daddy's eye...

Speaking of classic rock reunions, just when talk of a Led Zeppelin reformation had finally died away, guitarist Jimmy Page has only gone and stirred up the dying embers once again by inferring that the only thing standing between them and a possible tour is singer Robert Plant's reticence to get involved. Speaking to the media last week, Page claimed: "You'd better ask Robert Plant what the future of Led Zeppelin is. Musicians can always play together but I don't think you can go out with a band called Led Zeppelin if you haven't got the original vocalist." It never stopped Deep Purple... Or Black Sabbath... Or The Doors... I could go on but you get the picture...

Irish rockers Snow Patrol are not ones to sit on their laurels, after it was announced last week that their monster ballad, Chasing Cars, was the most played song in the UK during the past decade. Although pleased with the accolade, the band now has its sights firmly set on being one of the biggest acts on earth in the coming years. Speaking last week, lead singer Gary Lightbody gave an insight into where he sees his own group in the global pecking order, saying: "I see U2 in a class of their own, Coldplay in the next tier down and us and a ton of bands in the tier below them." In fact, Lightbody does not even see his band in the same iconic status as Oasis, who Snow Patrol replaced at last year's V Festival, when the former went into meltdown shortly before their breakup. The Bangor man graciously claimed: "I don't see them as equals. We need 10 or 15 more songs in the national consciousness for that to happen." ...

If Gary Lightbody's opinion on his own importance is modest, the same cannot be said of twee Irish pop act Westlife, who remain angry with Bob Geldof for his decision to overlook them when recruiting artists for the 2004 remake of Do The Know It's Christmas?. Speaking of their exclusion from the project, Westlife's Kian Egan stated: "I think that was pretty rich given he [Geldof] only started his international campaigning when he realized the Boomtown Rats weren't relevant any more." Bandmate Nicky Byrne added, "Bob Geldof didn't include us on the Band Aid II single, even though we were the biggest band at the time. He could have made even more money for charity by having us sing, but he chose (British groups) Busted and Sugababes because he was on some sort of elitist power trip." The group's Mark Feehily also lamented their ongoing image as being utterly un-cool, saying: "We are a pop group, striving to make the best pop music we can. We don't claim to be anything other than good singers, and to dismiss us just because we might not be to some rock critic's taste, is to insult the millions of people who buy our records and enjoy what we do." There are just so many things wrong with those statements that my word count limitations prevent me from redressing them all but sufficed to say that Westlife make music for people that don't like music, were never, ever relevant, were never, ever the biggest band anywhere, and if they think that they are good singers then they really have disappeared so far up teir own a***s that they'll need a mining team to find themselves...

Seeing as they were briefly mentioned in that piece, I read last week where the Sugababes management intend to "launch a full blown assault on the US" this year in an effort to break the band across the Atlantic after years of success in Europe. I can't help but think to myself that their handlers might want to rethink their terminology when it comes time to applying for work permits because that type of phrase could result in an all expenses paid trip to Guantanamo...

Reverend And The Makers front man Jon McClure claims that he is ready to move away from the UK, due to the deteriorating quality of life and a deepening political apathy among the public at large. Talking to the media last week, the outspoken activist singer ranted: "I'd move out of the UK. Go to France or Holland or somewhere. They're not without their problems, but there's more tolerance. I don't like the idea we live in a society where people have no idea what the reality is. John Lennon said it, religion, sex and TV, and he's right. They've got people so doped up on bulls***. Page after page after page is written about celebrities but a tiny amount about a tsunami that killed thousands of people. Britain is the most f***ed. It upsets me, it really does. You go to Holland or Belgium and France, they have a healthy society, they'll have a discussion and talk about things, whereas in Britain, nobody cares. You get people saying 'I don't care', or 'I don't know anything about it.' Britain stands less chance than anyone else in the world. We're the furthest down the line in terms of f***ed up-ness, owing to the apathy of the people. In France they demonstrate in the streets, in Italy, they demonstrate, they're f***ed but they'll do something about it. Britain, we just keep getting f***ed up the a** and taking it, every single time." While I really do like Jon McClure because he actually cares beyond his own pocket, I'm pretty sure that France, Holland and Italy have TV, sex and religion too. In fact, if I had to bet on a race capable of indulging in all three at the same time then my money would be on the Italians, closely followed by the French - and I mean that as a compliment. Until recently, us Irish were pretty much told by one not to do the other. Also, if Jon McClure thinks that the UK is in a bigger financial hole than Ireland is then he should come over here and try to get a job. We haven't even got the feckin weather to fall back on because there's been that much rain over here during the past few years that Irish people will soon be developing gills, if there is so much as a scintilla of truth to Darwin's Theory of Evolution.