G'Day From Downunder

As it's Christmas maybe it's time for a glass of sherry rather than the usual cuppa tea.

So it's that time of the year again when every street and department store looks like a mental asylum. On one side of the counter there are people, who have already forgotten about the massive financial black hole that the world is trying to dig itself out of, throwing a mountain of cash and credit cards at the tills. Then, the people behind the counter, throwing back to the silly buggers, everything from soap on a rope to grandfather clocks.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Happy Christmas! Now don't forget to stop for a second, in your moments of frantic shopping, and think; yes think, you are having a wonderful time. Utopia has arrived and no one worries about the hangover tomorrow.

Because that's what happened in October 2007 or have you forgotten already? No I'm not trying to dampen the Christmas Spirit just trying to give you a reminder not to step into debt over the festive period.

I want this Christmas to be remembered for all the right reasons love, peace and harmony; not the excesses in life which were the cause of so much suffering and pain over the last two years.

As you are in a cold climate no doubt you will be chuffing into the hot, stuffed turkey; as for us down here in kangaroo and koala land we will no doubt be sweltering and getting stuck into a smorgasbord of fish scoffed down by lots of cold beer and some of the best wine in the world.

I know you are on the verge of shouting out that this guy's lost the plot, doesn't he know French wine is best followed by Californian wine? No, No, No, you're wrong! Australian wine leaves all others in its wake; you don't have to believe me just try it and you will find out for yourself.

We made a good start to the festive season here: the temperature in Melbourne was 106ºF yesterday.

I met with Santa last week and asked him if I could have a sneaky look at some of the letters he received from some of the folks in New York. He didn't seem to mind as he assumed I didn't know anyone there. I forgot to mention to him that I am a fairly regular visitor to your fair city.

Well to make a short story long let me tell you what I found at my very first dig in his bag. You wouldn't believe it, a billion to one shot, I pulled out a letter from none other than our own Paddy McCarthy owner of this fair journal. I won't repeat all that was in the letter because it is confidential after all and I trust you the readers not to tell another soul.

It opened with the words....

"Dear Santa,

I haven't written to you now for almost three years and I'm getting a little impatient as you haven't replied to my previous 50 letters over the same number of years. It's not the fact that I'm all grown up now or anything but I still feel let down by you bypassing my chimney every year, even though I had it enlarged four years ago to cater for you being slightly obese... oops sorry, sorry!

I do feel that you owe me because you have failed to knock on my door or drop down my chimney for a few quick pints on your regular Christmas marathon.

So here's my list. As I'm not a self-centered person, let me start with what you can do for friends and family. My wife mentioned the word Mercedes the other day and I pretended not to hear but I'm not stupid, do you get my drift? As I'm a slight bit tight in the pocket this year due to the financial crises it's the least you can do to make up for some of the years you totally forgot all about me and that would help redeem some of my faith in you. (Please don't try to push it dawn the chimney).

My young son would love to bask in the Australian sunshine and do a bit of surfing. A few air tickets wouldn't go astray on this matter, nod, nod, wink, wink, what do you say?

My editor was wondering if you could organise for him to replace Tiger Woods on the golf circuit for a few months with a few indiscretions thrown in, instead of dropping him off the same old Christmas pudding.

A couple of decent handouts to a few of my hard working dedicated columnists wouldn't go a stray either. Charley Brady could do with a new box of pens and a decent computer as his current one is corrupted by all the nasty things he's been working on, e.g. the Irish Clergy and their abuses! I know he's not religious but whether he likes it or not the grumpy old sod is going to go to heaven for all the good work he's doing here on earth. So what if he has the odd drink too many every now and again? I would be the last to criticize a man for what I am very good as myself.

Then there's that poor bugger out there in the last outpost of the world, Australia, Mike Bowen the poor suffering sod! He's carrying the tri-colour for the Irish Examiner USA scouting the outback among the deadliest creatures on earth, snakes, spiders and crocodiles, whilst looking for gossip among the natives and visiting Irish. He then telegraphs back to me so that I can satisfy the hungry minds of my readers. Can you do anything for him? I suppose you could start by replacing the hesian bag that he wares for a shirt with a decent Armarni suit and how about a decent set of wheels for him to get around in so he can get rid of that awful BMW he drives. To be honest Santa if you forget him I won't hate you as I sometimes forget about the bugger myself!"

As there are five more pages of the original six Paddy sent to Santa I thought it better not to reveal all for fear of reprisals.

Who knows what might happen? He could very well take my pen off me in a bout of anger and that might be the end of the discreet conversations that we have every other week. We didn't want that to happen now do we?

As you all know Santa calls to Australia before he goes to the USA and I will be keeping my eye out for him and reading him the riot act if he thinks he's going to skip Paddy's chimney this year.

If any of you want me to whisper a little something into Santa's ear as he passes through Australia on his journey to your place drop me a line on mike@globefins.com.au and I will see what I can do for you.

So until I talk to you in 2010 I hope you and your family have a wonderful and safe Christmas and I hope Santa fills your stocking with all the things you wished for. Be good to those who love you and Slainte from Downunder!