After Halloween

Hallowe'en: 31 Oct., the eve of All Saints' Day."
- The Oxford Reference Dictionary

"It promotes the culture of death ... and pushes new generations towards a mentality of esoteric magic and it attacks the values through a devious initiation to the art and images of the occult. At best, it gives a big helping hand to consumerism and materialism."
- Aldo Bonaluto, head of the Catholic Church's anti- occult unit. Bet he doesn't like Harry Potter books either

By Charley Brady

Hi to you ladies, gentlemen and those who aren't too sure.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

This is not a column that normally does the "happy thing". But I'm breaking with tradition today in order to bring you sweetness and light.

I had a great weekend, you'll all be happy to hear.

Well, it was Halloween after all and anything that gets up the nose of Pope Benedict is then quite likely to cheer me up to a considerable degree. Now if I can just irritate the Mad Muslims to the same extent I'll be an exceptionally happy camper.

Church groups all over Ireland have united together in order to denounce the festival of Halloween.

Why?

Deciding to ignore the very real effects that such apparently inconsequential events as the printing of the horrendous Ryan Report into child abuse in this country or the upcoming report into the diocese of Dublin, the Vatican's official newsletter has given us instead a nice little lecture on "The Dangerous Message of Halloween" wherein the expert on liturgical matters (now doesn't that sound like a complete wind-up of a job?) Joan Maria Canals has had either an epiphany or a hissy fit according to your thinking and announced in severe tones that: "Halloween has an undercurrent of occultism and is absolutely anti-Christian."

Well, yes of course: I would hope that it is. Perhaps not anti-Christian sentiment as such but yes, I would definitely hope that it is anti-Church thinking.

While I was enjoying a terrific wedding last night on 31st October I missed a statement from the unfortunately hugely influential Association of Pope John XXIII which said that it was a "great Satanic ritual."

I wonder do they understand what John XXIII was even about, a man that I admired enormously and who would, I think, be appalled at the jerks who choose to speak in his name in order to further their own sad ambitions. Come to that, I wonder if they have clue as to what Satanism is about. I'm pretty sure that it's a far cry from kids dressing up as witches and vampires and playing make-believe.

To return to yesterday's wedding between one of the most wonderful, honourable and happy couples I have ever known:

It took place two villages up from where I live in Oranmore, at St. Brendan's Cathedral in Loughrea and was the joining together of Joelene Guinan and Francis Tierney.

In truth, they needed no official joining in my eyes as they have been completely in love for the last seven years. Yet this was the first time that I had an inkling into what a genuine sacrament is.

I'm an atheist but could not help but be touched by the sincerity of their vows.

I am in awe of them as they have something that I could never even hope to experience.

Of course there are none of us who haven't been in love at some time or another but Fran and Joelene seem to me to have almost transcended human passion and moved into a realm that most of us could only wish for. A bit purple? Yes, maybe, but seeing this kind of devotion in a couple makes one a little more... exuberant than normal.

Yet despite this they would not be your average couple. Joelene chose as her wedding outfit the most beautiful all- black, off-the-shoulders dress that you could imagine and looked positively translucent in it. Francis was in a wonderful black suit; and red roses wrapped in black set both of their wedding outfits off.

Does it sound strange? Trust me, it was not. It was different and marvellously life-embracing.

Even the priest who married them (and unfortunately I put away the few journalistic faculties I have for the day and didn't get his name) couldn't but help comment on their level of commitment to each other.

Those of us who knew them were not in the slightest bit surprised.

On a personal note it was only towards the end of the night that I realised that it is indeed possible to enjoy an Irish wedding without the need for a drink!

Breaking news! I just enjoyed every moment so much - from the wonderfully chosen décor to the music and to the company that it was only at the end of the night that I realised I had been drinking nothing but water!

Now there's a new one on me.

I wish them both every happiness possible. I can't think of anyone who deserves it more.

Meanwhile, as we had been enjoying this wonderful All Hallows Eve wedding celebration 15,000 people descended on the shrine at Knock.

This is the other side of the coin, of course.

We have a phoney "mystic" here at the moment called Joe Coleman of Clover Hill Road in Ballyfermot who hasn't worked since he received a back injury in the - wait for it - 1970s. Still, he's doing OK since he has lots of "visions" and helps people through "healing sessions". Stop laughing, Brady; that sense of humour will get you into trouble one of these days.

[OK, usual rules apply: I'm going to save the editor the time and space and say that if you and your fellow mystic chancer have a problem then it's with me, not the paper. They are my views only. Well, the views of the Catholic Church and myself. Strange bedfellows or what? [Actually, ou can add me onto the list of those who can't tolerate alleged "mystics" too! - Ed.]

This chancer who calls himself a clairvoyant gave false hope - unforgivable in my book - to a lady called Mary Sinnott whose daughter Fiona went missing twenty years ago. He showed up with some blurry photographs that he said were her daughter's ghost. Mary Sinnott said... "the pictures he showed me were simply unbelievable. The pictures were all mixed up and the figure in them was unrecognisable, but I knew it wasn't Fiona."

Like all petulant phoneys everywhere, when caught out he of course was disgusted at the amount of time he had put into "solving" the mystery of the poor girl's disappearance.

In other words, he was the one that was hard done by!

So there he was in Knock, County Mayo yesterday waiting for his latest prediction to come true: that the Virgin Mary would appear to 15,000 gullible eejits who had trailed their sorry way over there in order to give a boost to the benighted Mayo economy. Ah well, it's an ill wind, isn't it?

The devout, who had decided to ignore their Church's warning that this was a load of old codswollop, turned out in their droves to hear Coleman and his fellow visionary, hanger- on and all-around beauty Keith Henderson screaming that they could see her coming out of the sun.

One look at this pair in rapture with their deluded flock looking in every direction except where she was supposed to be would make you despair of humanity as an intelligent species.

Some saw the sun turn purple; some said that it was giving out crucifixes and circles from its glowing heart; some saw the vision of the Virgin turning into Padre Pio (does this make it the first transgender Marian sighting?); all said that it was possible to stare at the sun for an unlimited number of minutes.

Now I'm no expert but I would imagine that staring at the sun for any length of time at all would have you not only seeing Padre Pio and the Blessed Virgin but probably Saints Michael Jackson, Bono and Geldoff as well.

I shouldn't have said that: that will be the next bloody thing.

All things considered I was glad to see a couple celebrating the beginning of their lives together rather than be holed up in some field in Mayo with a bunch of sad sacks who were "watching the sun dance in the sky".

Also, it was a lot better than being at home with the boiling oil ready for the trick-or-treaters to arrive looking for freebies under the guise of that old reliable, "tradition."

I was prepared, mind you. I had the land mines planted on the lawn and the large smirking poster of Bertie Ahern in the window in order to deter the rugrats.

As a last line of defence I was prepared to give them copies of his fictional life and times instead of sweets or chocolates. No great hardship to get your hands on these by the way as the book stores are actually paying people to take them off the shelves now. If that didn't send them screaming then nothing would.

Actually politics and Halloween were quite close companions this year. Urban legend (started by me, to be honest) has it that the biggest selling fright mask is of Brian Cowen. It's led to some nasty incidents where taller children were beaten up while wearing the scarily realistic creation.

Here in Oranmore for example a sixteen-year-old was beaten to the ground by a ladies' handbag while she screamed at the poor unfortunate: "How bloody dare ye have the nerve to come canvassing here, ye blackguard!"

She later apologised for her mistake but in truth not even the young fella blamed her. "Sure I'd do the same myself if that gouger came around the house", he said. Another novelty flying off the shelves was the amazing Brain Lenihan Revolving Wig.

Apparently you can set the rotations to "Fake Sincere", "Very Fake Sincere" or "Right Out Lying To Your Face, You Ignorant Voter". Again, this has led to some serious cases of Grievous Bodily Harm.

Perhaps the saddest incidences were when people wearing the patented Mary Harney mask came calling to the doors of pensioners who have been a particular target for her wrath.

Seeing the dreaded figure of the leader of the Harney Death's Head Unit waddling towards them, these poor souls naturally assumed that she was finally coming out of their nightmares and into their lives and as a consequence the streets were full of screaming people.

I don't see these masks catching on in any great way. In any case, come next Halloween with a bit of luck they will be consigned to that famous Dustbin of History. Now isn't that a happy ending to a happy column, boys and girls?

And once again, all of the very best to Joelene and Francis for a very happy future. Normal grumpy transmission will resume next week and hopefully I'll see you then.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net