Sun Beds, Hospital Beds And Bank Bail Outs

By Charley Brady

Years ago, though not enough years for my liking, I worked under a man who would only refer to those that he considered his superiors as Captains of Industry. He would always bow down and tug his forelock to the politicians, builders and developers who frequented the establishment. And he would always, always do similar scraping to almost anybody that he considered to be the "movers and shakers" of Ireland. Some of these are now, of course, bankrupt or have been mentioned at least once in "Stubb's Gazette"

He could never understand that I always questioned everything that these jokers stood for.

We left on bad terms as I was never one to keep my mouth shut, even in those far- off days.

I occasionally wondered what became of him. Very occasionally. Was he appalled to see the continuing corruption of those that he hilariously considered to be his friends - they were nothing of the sort - and who were now drowning in a gigantic lake of sleaze?

He passed (very swiftly, I must add) through my mind this week as I was looking at the ongoing saga of a small nation that must surely have more chancers per square foot than many a country on the globe.

The rip-offs used to be subtle here, but that was a long time back. Now it's done openly and with an undiluted contempt for those who lost their bank shares and their pensions to white collars with nice suits and important looking little pocket handkerchiefs.

Re-appearing in the news this week, step forward ex- Bank of Ireland chief Richard Burrows because you have definitely lucked out. After you went on metaphorical hands and knees to Finance Minster Big Brain Brian "the Wig" Lenihan the taxpayers-without anyone asking their permission, needless to say - bailed you and your ineptly handled bank out.

He was handed €3.5 billion on top of the previous year's €400 billion bank guarantee to give him what the Irish laughably call a "dig-out" - remember Bertie Ahern explaining away unanswered questions on his own finances with the use of the same term? - and the National Asset Management Agency (the increasingly infamous NAMA) is expected to shell out €18 billion, courtesy of the taxpayer yet again, later this year.

So how is he rewarded for messing up his own bank? Why, the obvious way: make him the new chairman of British American Tobacco and let him work a two-day week for €600,000 a year. That's €100,000 more than he was getting for running his own bank into the ground

It's never what you have screwed up in the past but what you can screw up in the future here, especially if you have guys like the Wig on your side.

And talking about tobacco: that evil stuff kills you, right? Of course it does. So does alcohol so here's what we do: we get people, especially in some of the more rural pubs and especially older men whose only source of amusement of an evening will be to have some banter with their buddies, to stand outside in the rain if they smoke, where they run another risk.

Apart from being made to feel like pariahs in their own communities they stand a good chance of catching pneumonia which, let's face it, is also a health risk.

We have people lying on trolleys in hospital corridors because the wards have had to cut out the number of beds. That's a health risk, too, isn't it?

Don't worry, though, help is at hand in keeping everybody safe from everything because "Health" Minister Mary Harney is back from her three-month break.

Refreshed, she stopped off just in time to add to the gaiety of this nation by telling CNN that her health service is in great shape. That came as one hell of a surprise to us, I can tell you.

She has better things on her mind at the moment than worrying about how little we think of her though and that is... a blanket ban on sun beds!

It was amusing though to watch her drop this bombshell on us, even though a miniscule amount of Irish people use them, as realisation hit her that she would have to first go checking with our masters in Brussels as to whether this could be done.

Well, she has years of experience at cutting hospital beds out (which IS important if you want to leave people to suffer or/and die) so no doubt she's dug herself into a corner with this one that she will feel she has to follow through on.

Dublin's respected David Tracey of Tanzone said: "Quite frankly, the minister doesn't seem to know what she's talking about. Ireland has by far the lowest sunbed usage in Europe, and I think Mary Harney has really made a booboo on this one, as there is already a EU directive in place, which they spent years drafting.

"She might as well try banning people from sitting out in the sun [for heaven's sake, don't give them any ideas, David], as there are four times more UV rays in the sun in Ireland as it stands than from a sunbed lamp - not to mention the higher ratios when people go on holidays."

It's just another way to control people and to tell them what we can and can't do. Any fool knows that too much alcohol is not good for your liver, cigarettes are not good for your lungs and overuse of sunbeds is not great if you're trying to avoid cancer.

Of course, despite the lecturing on booze and cigarettes it doesn't stop our masters from collecting the large amounts of tax on them. So don't throw that hoary old chestnut at me about how much our beloved government pays to look after we evil wrongdoers when we get sick. Of course, in this country, under Harney, we don't GET looked after; but that's another days' work

I was also amused to read that Junior Health Minister John Moloney officially opened a Portlaoise beauty salon that had the dreaded sunbeds in it so as usual with this government it's a case of "do as I say, not as I do".

We're adults. We know the risk that EVERY damned thing we enjoy puts us at every day of the year.

Maybe we should put a blanket ban on the use of cars. I've heard that they can be pretty dangerous at times.

Or here's one especially for you, Mary: Let's talk about the dangers of obesity. At least, unlike this case where a sunbed was never built that could hold you, you would have some first hand knowledge.

I recall a couple of years ago when a genuinely stunned-looking English comedian came on a talk show.

"My God", he said. "I've just seen your minister for Health. For HEALTH. I've heard that when she retires from politics she's going to look for a job in the film industry. Not as an actress, mind you, but as a location."

Clean your own house first, Ms. Harney, before you start preaching to the rest of us.

Another guy preaching to us this week was Galway West T.D. Frank Fahey. Bizarrely, he was wheeled out last Friday in order to defend the above-mentioned NAMA on RTE radio.

Jaws dropped as he spouted that the taxpayer would not be paying anything towards it. Then we all fell about laughing at the sheer audacity of this nonsense. We also laughed when he said that property prices were on the increase. That's certainly news to anybody trying to sell a house.

Eagle-eyed readers with good memories may recall that some months ago I wrote of Mr. Fahey's eyeball popping property portfolio. He has 22 properties here in Ireland and that's not to mention what he has in Boston, Dubai and France, or the partnership involvement in-where else - Brussels - with 15 apartments. That's only some of them.

What I didn't know when I wrote that was that he also has shares in the Allied Irish Bank. So he'll benefit handsomely from a NAMA-protected bailout of the bank.

Naturally he railed against Fine Gael's proposals, which would seriously affect his shares. In fact he wasn't happy with the opposition's alternative suggestions at all.

That Fianna Fáil would send someone like Frank Fahey to defend NAMA tells you all that you need to know about them.

A couple of times, both here and in other publications, I've suggested that it's not really a great idea for the United States to be contributing cash to the Sinn Féin Party. So I was amused to see that they used money raised in America to treat themselves to $286,000 worth of expensive cars. Now you know which charity your hard-earned dollars is going to. Oh dear.

Finally, I was really touched by the two American policemen who emailed me over the "IRA cop-killers" article. Thank you both for the sentiments. Sometimes you can feel that you are writing in a vacuum so your remarks meant a lot.

And to the gentleman who was assuring me that Brian Lenihan does not wear a wig, of course I know that he doesn't - and he has the receipt to prove it.

Hope to see you all again next week.

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net