Tree Stumps And Rosary Beads

"I went to the Garden of Love,
And saw what I never had seen;
A Chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to pray in the green.

"And the gates of this Chapel were shut
And "Thou shalt not", writ over the door;
So I turned to the Garden of Love
That so many sweet flowers bore.

"And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tombstones where flowers should be;
And priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,
And binding with briers my joys and desires."
- The great visionary and mystic, William Blake (1757- 1827)

By Charley Brady

It's hard to write this, because the tears are blinding me. They are pouring down my face, as you can imagine on this most auspicious of days.

I'm wearing a single white glove in his honour and my laptop is perched rather precariously on my diamond-encrusted duvet cover.

Because He is still dead. Rumour had it that he would arise on the third day to sit at the right hand of his father-in-law, Elvis Presley.

But, choked with emotion though I am, I must stay strong enough to finish this article while thinking of the lives and times of Michael Jackson, late of this parish.

But no, I'm not going to bother because we have enough strange people wandering around the West of Ireland.

For example we have a tree stump down in Limerick at the moment that flocks (of sheep) are worshiping at.

Who knows, and who am I to judge? Michael's brain may be in that stump, for all that know.

I know that true intellectuals like journalist John Waters are saying that perhaps this is the correct thing to do and that people like me who believe in nothing at all will be sent to Hell, there to perish for all Eternity. (I've always thought that to be a nice Christian attitude).

Look, I'm at my laptop at the moment, which is surrounded by my collection of kangaroos (thanks, Mike), and my Dalek that plays "I will exterminate" when you push the little button and my beloved collection of Universal Monster figurines.

And yet somehow I'm still convinced that I'm saner that any eejit that goes down to Limerick in order to hang rosary beads over a BLOODY TREE STUMP.

You see, some workmen were cutting down trees there when, as you do, they came across what is purported to be an image of the Virgin Mary and the Christ-child.

Needless to say, it looks like nothing of the kind. If anything, it looks, vaguely, like a naked Marlon Brando at the end of his life. So now we have people who have nothing better to do lining up in order to kiss a tree stump.

Let's call them what they are: mad loop-heads.

John Waters can rail on against the unbelievers as much as he wants. That's his right. He can also blabber on about other dimensions of existence because that's his right also.

But I'll never see it as anything other than symptomatic of a country that would do anything to take its collective mind from the real problems.

Like politicians taking off on their three-month break; like the same politicians, when asked to cut down on their hideous expenses saying that they will "not clock in like ordinary factory workers".

I hope that you factory workers who actually do an important job while certainly not being entitled to three months paid leave in the middle of a real recession, will take note of the fact that your masters look down their nose at you.

I also hope that you remember the names of these corrupt, sanctimonious, trough-lickers come election time when they're knocking on your door and begging for your vote.

And if you don't remember them then email me and I will be more than happy to give you the names of these arrogant sodbusters.

Because drunk or sober I have a memory like an elephant.

How bloody dare they come out with a disparaging statement like that?

As to Mr. Ian O'Doherty of the "Irish Independent", are you sure that we were not removed from each other at birth: I've never met you but I certainly couldn't put it better than you do it: "As Bob Geldof's representative on Earth, Bono has certainly learned the finer arts of hypocrisy, arrogance and terminal self aggrandisement.

"Lecturing us on how we're not sending enough money to Africa so that some tin pot dictator can buy another limousine; demanding talks with government leaders as if he was somehow entitled to meet anyone he wants; and posing for photocalls with dictators and a Pope whose views on contraception are a contributory factor to the African problems that he says he wants to solve, the diminutive singer is a classic case of do what I say, not what I do.

"And now the latest example comes with their bloated and tedious new show.

"While quite happy to appear at tree planting ceremonies in Japan and drone endlessly on about carbon footprints and the like, it seems he may have upset some of his friends in the Green movement.

"Because according to Helen Roberts of carbonfootprint.com: 'The carbon footprint the band will create is the equivalent of all four of them going to Mars on passenger plane. To offset their carbon footprint for the tour they would need to plant 20,118 trees.'

"In fact, when you combine that with the amount of hot air that spouts continually from Bono's mouth, is Bono the most dangerous and environmentally unfriendly man on earth?

"Although the thoughts of him going to Mars and leaving the rest of us alone are quite appealing."

Couldn't have put it better; although it's disquieting to say something positive about him for a change.

He's managed to cheese off the Green Party, that bunch of sixties, hippy, sandal wearing rejects from a bad acid trip and that can never be a bad thing.

Well, that about rounds it up from the bat-cave this week.

Hope that you're here next week when I can mention Anjelica Huston's trip to Galway and be able to say nice things about a celebrity for a change.

What a wonderful and delightful lady she is. Yeah, I'm a little bit in love with her, especially since she considers my ultimate woman, Jessica Lange, to be "one of the finest actresses in world".

Jack Nicholson, what went through your head when you blew it with such a perfect creature?

Same bat-time!

Same bat-channel!

You can reach Charley at chasbrady7@eircom.net