Joe Kavanagh's Music News

Madonna has failed, at least temporarily, in her ongoing efforts to adopt four-year-old toddler, Mercy Jones, after a Malawian judge put the kibosh on her plans, citing a law which states that a prospective adoptive parent must live in Malawi for at least 18-24 months. It is not known whether Madonna will appeal the decision but human rights groups and childrens' charities have applauded the judge's decision, as they feel that a child should be raised within its own culture. Given Madonna's vast wealth, if she really wanted to help African children then surely she could set up a few orphanages or schools over in that part of the world, instead of collecting children that will spend most of their time with a nanny. It's not even like she's an ideal candidate for adoption anyway, given the fact that she has three different children by three different fathers already. Judge Judy would be all over that like a rash...

Kylie Minogue has lashed out at Irish music mogul, Louis Walsh, for his treatment of her sister Dannii Minogue (honestly, that girl just seems to add letters to her name by the week), on TV show X Factor, which is essentially the UK version of American Idol. Dannii and Louis regularly clash on the show and the former has even been reduced to tears by Walsh's frequently nasty barbs. Big sister Kylie has now come to her defense, claiming: "I'm so proud of my sister and it annoys the hell out of me when comparisons between us are made. In England you lot don't know where she came from. She was on TV every week from seven-years-old. It makes it harder for her when she gets Louis Walsh's rather pathetic jibes - one of which is she hasn't had a hit record. That's not true." I would defy anyone out there to name one Dannii record, or even name any talent that she has that allows her to do anything better than anyone else. I didn't think so. Not that I'm defending Walsh, I just think he's not very adept at dealing with the fairer sex, or humans in general. The word sniveling springs to mind...

Ozzy Osbourne claims that he will keep on working until he draws his last breath, telling an interviewer: "I tried retirement. One thing I learnt is you've got to have something to retire to. You sit at home thinking, 'I'm retired.' I suddenly thought one day that the time when you're finally retired is when they nail the f***ing lid over your bones in the ground. That's retirement!" No Ozzy, that's called death but I'm sure Sharon will be delighted with your news. I suppose when working involves shuffling around your house, mumbling incoherently and falling over intermittently, while a camera is on you, then that is the type of "work" that you could continue into your dotage. Perhaps dotage is the wrong word in Ozzy's case. Speaking of the Osbournes, their new show, The Osbournes: Reloaded, debuted last week to appalling reviews, with some FOX affiliates finding it so distasteful that they refused to even air it. Things are pretty grim when FOX channels find it distasteful, but a spokesman for the network claimed: "Osbournes: Reloaded was thoroughly vetted by our Standards and Practices department to ensure it was appropriate for broadcast during the scheduled time period." Given some of their shows, I wouldn't be surprised if their Standards and Practices department was run by Joe Francis, Cletus from The Simpsons and a gerbil in a wheel...

While we're on the subject of Ozzy, former Black Sabbath drummer, Bill Ward, recently announced that he will be releasing his third solo album later this year. The album will be titled, Beyond Aston, and the legendary stickman claims that it will be very "dark", and this is coming from a man who lost ten years of his life to alcohol, drugs and homelessness, so he knows dark...

Peaches Geldof was left nonplussed after recently meeting the English star of Gossip Girl: Ed Westwick. Bob's tearaway daughter admitted: "He acts up to this personification of some sort of Pete Doherty character - some really wasted English guy with a poet soul and it doesn't really work. It is a bit like, 'Mate, you're on Gossip Girl and you're in a sh**ty band.' We spoke for a bit and he was quite lecherous. But he was lecherous to all the girls. He's very small, too. Smaller than me. I'm 5'7" and I think he must be 5'6". He's ripped but when you're small and ripped you get into Tom Cruise territory, like a little overgrown gorilla." Surely a "little overgrown gorilla" is an average gorilla, no? I've actually heard Westwick's band and I think the are best described as a really bad version of The Libertines playing really bad cover versions of Sham 69, really, really badly...

Critically-acclaimed, Irish ivory-tinkler, Duke Special will make his comeback next month with the release of the follow-up to 2006's superb Songs From A Deep Forest. I Never Thought This Day Would Come, hits shelves on April 20, and was recorded between Ireland, London and Illinois. We wish him the very best of luck with it and catch him if you can live...

As we all know, last Wednesday was April Fool's Day, but one prank went too far for the former lead singer of Liverpool band, Space. In a rather dodgy wind-up, Tommy Scott's former record label, Antipop, announced that the singer had passed away from a heart attack at 37-years-old, even going so far as to leave a message on their site stating: "We are sorry for the untimely death of one of our great sons." Within hours, the rumor had spread through the city, as radio stations announced his demise, leaving his mother very shaken. A livid Scott told the Liverpool Echo: "I'm devastated. The first I knew my mum was on the phone in bits. She'd heard it on the radio and couldn't get through on the phone to me at first. As far as she knew, I was a dead man. My aunties all came round, my sisters were in tears. The whole family thought I was dead, and I didn't know anything about it. The only saving grace was that I was with my wife, so she was spared the upset. My little daughter was with us, watching the TV. She doesn't know anything about it - and I don't want her to. I don't want her to even think her daddy could be dead. She'd be terrified. These jokers ought to be thinking about people who actually died in tragic circumstances, not hurting innocent people like this. There are real people who die every day from heart failure and this just makes a mockery of them. My mum, well my whole family, are still upset. I'm gutted. I really am." It's pretty poor taste alright but poor old Tommy needs to calm down a little bit. Stressing out like that he could give himself a heart-attack and that would be death by irony...

The three men charged with murdering South African reggae legend, Lucky Dube, have been handed life sentences after a brief trial. Sifiso Mhlanga, Julius Gxowa, and Mbuti Mabe will all serve a minimum of 15 years each for the heartless murder, which saw the social activist and recording great gunned down in front of his family in October of 2007. Given the amount of public grief shown in the wake of his murder, the trio would do well do keep their heads down in prison because the shivs will be out, to use the correct parlance...

Michael Jackson will allegedly bring his son Prince Michael out on stage with him each night during his upcoming 50-date run in London's O2 Arena. Is it really wise to introduce his child to the world of showbiz at such a young age? I mean, it didn't exactly turn out hunky dory for his old man...

Gary Lightbody has been defending charges that his band are boring, after Manic Street Preachers' bassist Nicky Wire claimed: "Snow Patrol are the most boring band in Britain." Speaking to the Daily Record, Lightbody claimed: "Jonny (Quinn) fights fires. Tom (Simpson) toils shirtless on construction sites, Paul (Wilson) is in the Navy Reserve. Nathan (Connolly) is a volunteer policeman and I explore my Cherokee ancestry. We're like the Village People, only slightly less gay. Chasing Cars was an inescapable hit worldwide. People think of us as that band with that song on 'Grey's Anatomy' and decide to hate us. One review said our fourth album would 'keep Ford Focus drivers happy,' meaning our music appeals to average blokes, not hipsters. I have never understood the connection between us and Coldplay, as much as I like their music." He had me right until that last bit.