Joe Kavanagh's Music News

The most entertaining story to emerge in the world of music last week was almost certainly the tale of a man in the English seaside town of Dover, who has spent much of the past year pretending to be, Francis Rossi, lead singer with legendary denim rockers, Status Quo. According to local councilor, Vic Matcham, the man approached him almost 12 months back , telling him that he was Francis Rossi and had only recently moved to the area. The man explained that he used the name "Graham" as an alias and when challenged by Matcham as to why he did not have Rossi's trademark ponytail, he happily explained that his hair would no longer grow, so he simply glued a specially made ponytail on three hours before gigs. Delighted, the local council spent the subsequent months taking their "famous" resident out for free dinners and even allowing him the use of the mayor's limousine. When, on one occasion, they asked him if he would play them a few tunes at a local function, the man explained that he could no longer play guitar due to arthritis, but he graciously sang them several 'Quo songs with the aid of a backup band. He was even allowed to judge a carnival float competition last September, but it was during this festival that the man's plan came unstuck, as he promised the council that he would bring some of his famous friends, including Paul McCartney, Charlotte Church and Brian May. When the friends never arrived, locals finally smelled a rat, and the cheeky imposter fled, never to be heard from again. The story only broke this week, presumably due to the embarrassment felt by locals, although one councilor claimed that he smelled a rat but did not want to ruin people's expectations. Councilor Chris Precious said that upon viewing their "famous" resident: "I thought to myself, if that's Francis Rossi, he's turned ginger and shrunk a bit." In fairness, the ginger hair should have been a give away because nobody would willingly make themselves a ginger. The real Rossi took the news of an imposter in stride, saying: "I'll never know how he knew the secret of my ponytail." I say, good on him because the guy has a neck as hard as a jockey's cojones...

Boyzone may be part of a musical genre known as the realm of soft pretty boys but they once again proved that they are no pushover, after becoming involved in a huge brawl with the entourage of RnB star, Rhianna, while in Australia. The Boyzone lads, who recently reformed and are currently on a world tour supporting their Greatest Hits album, were in a Melbourne nightclub last week, with some of them drinking for over six hours according to witnesses. Boyzone member, Stephen Gately, told journalists: "Well, we did get into a fight - certainly more than a difference of opinion. We are keeping up that fine image of the Irish and too much booze. It was over a girlfriend of one of Rihanna's band members. We just wanted to chat and be friendly and this guy tries to rough us up. It was his girl and then all the other guys from the band start getting fresh with us - so it was on there and then." According to witnesses that spoke to the Australian media, the confrontation degenerated into a huge free-for-all with punches being thrown from every direction conceivable, and one anonymous bounder claimed: "The boys held their own despite being unsteady on their feet." Boyzone have form when it comes to punch-ups with hip hop groups, most notably at the MTV Europe Awards, in Dublin in 1999, when they became involved in a brawl with Puff Daddy and his entourage, which led to the memorable headline in the Sun newspaper: "Puff Daddy Meets Tough Paddies!"...

Colin Farrell was also discussing Boyzone in the media last week, saying that he is glad that he failed in his efforts to join the band when it was first being assembled by Louis Walsh. Farrell was turned down for Boyzone because he essentially sung like Mrs Miller, but went on to secure a role in TV soap, Ballykissangel, only a short time later, which served as the impetus for his current career in Hollywood. Talking to the media of his unsuccessful efforts to join the boy band, Farrell claimed: "I don't think I would have lasted in the band too long. Life would have been very different, very different. I certainly wouldn't have lasted a reunion I don't think." Yeah, right! Given how fame hungry Farrell appears to have been, I'd imagine he would have been the one calling up the others saying: "C'mon lads, let's put the band back together, I'm suffering from acute attention withdrawal symptoms." G'wan outta that Colin ya chancer, the very fact you applied for Boyzone speaks volumes! ...

Speaking of reunions, it now appears that Led Zeppelin will not be reforming after all, well, kind of. After listening to the huge public outcry over the past few weeks regarding their decision to tour without their iconic front man, Robert Plant, the band have somewhat changed tack and now say they will not tour under the name Led Zeppelin. A spokesman for Jimmy Page's management company released a statement to Rolling Stone magazine last week saying: "Whatever this is, it is not Led Zeppelin. Not without the involvement of Robert Plant." It's rather like the time Bill Bailey recounted the story when acclaimed Cockney knees-up merchants Chas & Dave got back on the road a few years ago for a series of gigs, with huge posters loudly declaring "Appearing Tonight!!! Chas & Dave", then underneath the headline, in parenthesis, tiny writing, saying "(no longer featuring Chas)"...

Ringo Starr appears to be sticking to his recent vow that he will refuse to have anything to do with fans, after he allegedly had some choice words for a fan that approached him at an award show in Cannes last week. According to witnesses, a female ran up to the former Beatle and threw her arms around him, to which he allegedly responded by shouting: "Get off me. F**k off", before walking away from the stunned woman. Ringo famously claimed recently that he will throw all fan mail in the trash without opening it, making him look like one of the most arrogant people in showbiz, but in his defense, you can't just run up to people and throw your arms around them like you're a long lost cousin...

Gary "I Play The Kiddie Fiddle" Glitter was in the news once again last week, despite the fact that the pervert has been in hiding since being released from a Vietnam prison last August. The British Examination board, responsible for setting the curriculum for GCSE's was forced into an embarrassing apology after it was revealed that Glitter's track, I'm The Leader Of The Gang - and we all know what type of gang that turned out to be - was listed as "related listening" for students studying for their music exams. After an outcry from disgusted parents, teachers and pupils, the song was removed from the syllabus and a spokesperson for the examination board, AQA, claimed: "We regret any offence that has been caused by its inclusion, and we will be contacting our centers and recalling the paper." Glitter also had a brick bearing his name removed from Liverpool's renowned Cavern Club, after a campaign by a local group led by city MP, Bob Wareing. The Cavern Club contains engraved bricks featuring the names of acts that appeared at the club down the years, and ownership initially resisted removing Glitter's brick, until finally relenting last week in the face of mounting public pressure. Said Wareing of the move: "I didn't think he was a good role model and I wouldn't myself have wanted to put his name up. I understand the club wanting to put across the history of the Cavern Club and really not leaving anything out. But on the other hand this is a special case." I could think of a few uses for a brick when it comes to Gary Glitter, but engraving his name on it would not be one of them...

Midge Ure announced to the world that he is reforming 80s rockers, Ultravox, with their full original line-up for a tour that will kick off next year. I have traveled many a mile and spoken to probably tens of thousands of people in the past 20 years, but I can't recall one of them, not one, saying: "You know, it'd be just great if Ultravox got back together." It's kind of like comedian Peter Kaye's line about, no matter how long you live, you'll never meet anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.