G'Day From Downunder

If you have any teabags left in the kitchen crank up the kettle and we can have a mug full of tea to get us warmed up for a chat and a bit of a giggle.

You are probably wondering where I've been for the last couple of weeks. Well, to be honest with you I was a bit depressed and disappointed over the whole saga of trying to rent a coffin that I told you about in my last article.

So, I took a few days off to cheer myself up. What did I do to cheer myself up did I hear you say? I will tell you if you promise not to laugh or think I just got out of the nut house.

Believe it or not I decided to interview a few people to do my eulogy for when I finally decide to move on from this earth and make room for a dozen or so others who will have to replace me. I don't mean that because of my size I mean it because of my value to the newspaper. Are you ready for this?

In my wisdom, or otherwise, I decided I should interview a few of my close friends and give them first preference.

First up was Wayne Oates, a close friend for the last fifteen years or so and much younger than myself. Thought I'd give a younger person the first go as he is more likely to outlast me, it wouldn't make much sense to give him the job if I were to outlast him, now would it?

We fed Wayne and his wife Julie a three-course meal fit for a King and Queen followed up by a tank full of Australia's finest wine as a bit of a tongue loosener, and Dutch courage.

He chose an elevated position on the fourth step of the staircase just right of the kitchen and left of the lounge room.

I propped myself up in my favourite armchair between my wife and his wife's chair and I'm ready and all fired up to hear a wonderful story of how I'm God's gift to mankind and how the world won't survive without me and how I will be the most missed person that ever put foot on this planet.

You know, something like they will be saying about our own Tommy Smyth 'with a Y' when he finally decides that there is a better TV network in heaven, the Grand Marshal of Grand Marshals.

Wayne took on the pose and poise of Jonnie Depp, standing sideways and sticking his chin out to give himself an air of confidence.

In the dimmed light he could very easily have been mistaken for Jonnie Depp. His first words are "a drop of Irish Baileys would give the situation a wonderful atmosphere of Irishness". So I dash to the booze trolley and fill a decent size glass to satisfy his request and I'm thinking "if he doesn't get a move on I will be doing his eulogy."

It must have been the fault of the Baileys that all the words got jumbled up because this is what came out of the mouth of the Jonnie Depp look-alike.

"Hi everybody and thank you all for coming, we were expecting a very large crowd. That's why we booked this bloody place big enough for a U2 concert.

"However if we all huddle tightly together we won't get cold. The temperature will soon go up once they get the fires cranked up for the cremation.

You will have noticed a collection box on the table at the door as you came in. I hope you all were most generous in your donations and any of you who didn't donate please put your hand up so as we can identify who's not getting a drink."

"As soon as the donations are counted we will determine how long the wake will go on for, but if I were you I would expect to be home within the hour.

"I was gong to read a eulogy that Mike had written himself some years ago in anticipation of this event but to be honest I thought I was highly exaggerated."

At this point I was wishing I had a basket of rotten eggs to throw at the Jonnie Depp look-alike and was developing a plan to help him on the way to his heaven, but I decided to bite my tongue as hard as I could and maybe something flattering might just fall out of his mouth and give me an uplift. After all who would want to die and not hear at least one flattering thing about ones life's work?

I was coming to the conclusion at this time that it's not a good idea to tank up a potential eulogy speaker, and then be stupid enough to add more fuel to the fire in the form of a decent bucket load of Baileys Irish Cream, and then expect him to say nice sincere things about me.

Now Wayne moves into overdrive: "I would like to say a few nice words about Mike and his life but nothing comes to mind immediately.

I suppose I should say, true or not, that its a sad and sorry day for all of us that Mike has decided to move on and write for the Heavenly Herald.

This is, of course, a far cry from his elevated position of Australian Correspondent for the Irish Examiner USA.

He supplies for them all sorts of gossip, incitements and other rubbish. At one point he nearly started a war between Australia and their number one ally, the USA by leaking information about the manufacturers of Four n Twenty Pies (an Australian Icon) moving into the USA to take over from the Hot Dog industry."

"There many meetings of key players on both sides of the Pacific and massive security restrictions were implemented to protect the US Hot Dog from the invading Aussie Four n Twenty pie.

However, calm was restored when he wrote a personal apology to President Bush for nearly adding a further war to his already overburdened list of wars."

"Now that Mike has finally moved on, and dare I say, none too soon for some of us. There will finally be peace and quiet on earth with his passing."

By now the confidence of Wayne, the Jonnie Depp look alike, is sky high.

This confidence is no doubt created through the over generous torrent of Baileys.

At this point I jump from my armchair in outrage to challenge the young character-assassinating upstart only to be held back by both wives who are in hysterics at my expense.

I shout him down from his pedestal and inform him not only will he not be considered for the job but he will also be banned from attending my funeral if and whenever I decide to die.

Steadying himself on his pedestal and with his hand outstretched he tried to focus and in an attempt to make amends he spurts out, "Mike, the only way you will become a stiff is if you take a mouthful of Viagra." It's an idea I might try.

I won't burden you with the results of the other interviews that took place, other than to say they bore no better fruit than the "Johnny Depp".

So it looks like I will have to take whatever complements come my way while I'm still shuffling around on this earth 'cause it looks like not too many will come my way when I finally wear my slippers for the last time. I do however feel that the wives have done a deal with the Jonnie Depp look-alike behind my back.

Finally on this matter it would be a lovely gesture if Paddy McCarthy took it upon himself to drop in to Australia on this very personal occasion to add a bit of an International flavour and drama to the sad occasion of my eventual passing on. I'll say no more on this subject for now.

On a different matter altogether my very good friend, editor and business partner Alan Sherratt and his wife Angela will be adding a bit of pizzazz to your city this week by paying you the complement of their presence.

Alan will be available for chit chat and drinks at Eamonn's Bar and Grill (9 East 45th St.), not necessary by appointment while his wife attempts to relieve Tiffany's of a large proportion of their stock. Do keep an eye out for them as they are lovely people.

Until I talk to you again, be good to those who love you, and slainte from Downunder!