Joe Kavanagh's Music News

Hearing aid providers, Amplifon, recently conducted an online poll in order to discover which songs are the most misquoted of all time, with some quite amusing results. Top of the poll was The Police's When The World Is Running Down, and the lyrics, "you make the best of what's still around" - which is often misheard as "you make the best homemade stew around". In fact, The Police actually featured twice in the top 10, with the lyric from Message In A Bottle, "a year has passed since I wrote my note", being mistaken for "a year has passed since I broke my nose". Among the other humorous mistakes, are: U2's Mysterious Ways with "Shamu the mysterious whale", The Beatles' Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, with "The girl with colitis goes by", The Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive saw "it's alright, it's okay, you may look the other way" - transform into "it's alright, it's okay, you make love the other way", while Queen's "scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?" from Bohemian Rhapsody, is misheard as "will you do the banned tango?" My personal favorite was Kate Bush's, Wuthering Heights, and the line "Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy and I've come home, oh, so cold, let me in your window", which turned into "Heathcliff, it's me, I'm a tree, I'm a wombat. Oh, so cold at the end of your winter." Funny stuff and easily done. I have a friend who genuinely calls varicose veins as "asparagus veins" and is fond of saying: "You have to take the rough with the spoon". I'm honestly not making that up...

Snoop Dogg is welcome in Australia once again, well, kind of. The controversial rapper was initially banned from the continent only weeks before he was due to present the MTV Australia Video Awards, in 2007, due to the government's concerns over his troubled past and questions about his character. Australian officials have now decided to lift the ban for 17 days in October, so that the rapper can conduct a tour of the country. The move has, predictably, enraged some quarters, with Angela Conway, of the Australian Family Association, declaring: "Snoop Dogg trades in toxic messages of menace, violence, misogyny and lawlessness." With such an alliterative, lyrical condemnation, there might be a job for Conway as a rapper if she ever packs in her position as an advocate...

People talk about bands 'blowing up' in a metaphorical sense but the members of Kasabian almost saw it happen to them in a literal sense recently, when guitarist, Serge Pizzorno, found an old WWII grenade buried just under the surface in his back garden. The bomb squad was immediately called and defused the explosive, after evacuating neighbors. Speaking to UK tabloid, The Sun, the guitarist said: "All it could have taken was the vibrations from a kickabout in the garden or some loud music and we would have been blown to pieces in a pile of rubble and smoke. I'm 27 as well and there's a tradition of musicians meeting their end at my age." In fairness, it would have been a little bit more glamorous than choking on your own vomit...

Queens of the Stone Age frontman, Josh Homme, has revealed that he will be sitting in the producer's chair on an upcoming recording session with the Arctic Monkeys. The singer/guitarist claimed that he will take the band out into the Californian desert in order to "submerge themselves in something else and do some tracks." Why did the word "peyote" spring into my head as I typed that? It is not clear whether any of the recordings will make it onto the Sheffield act's eagerly awaited third album...

Guy Ritchie has been hitting back at some critics who claim that Madonna's age is increasingly becoming a barrier to her credibility as a pop artist. Defending his 50-year-old wife, the director claimed: "Her legs are Olympic standard. She is in amazing shape. You won't find a fitter bird than her. Her legs are so toned. She's fitter than dancers on her tour who are half her age." I think it's pretty clear which part of Madonna that Guy likes the most anyway. What is an 'Olympic standard leg' anyway because some athletes have legs like Chippendales, and I'm talking furniture, not dancers...

Jack Osbourne has finally admitted what many of us have known for some time: The Osbournes TV show has done little for his father's legacy. Speaking to Rolling Stone magazine, Jack admitted that the image of his father as a "senile, funny, bumbling guy" has tarnished his legacy, and he intends to try and reclaim that legacy by filming his own documentary on his father's life. The younger Osbourne claimed that he hopes to premier the documentary at next year's Ozzfest. It seems to me that the Osbourne children have done little to maintain their father's legacy, what with the whole nastiness that was Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne's slaughter, excuse me, remake of a perfectly good Sabbath song, Changes etc., etc. Now Jack is once again going to the family well, making a documentary about his father, which he intends to premier at a festival built around his father's name because nobody else would likely air it (you know it's going to be treacle). Maybe it's just me, but I think it's about time that his kids tried to do something without trading on Daddy's name and see how well they get on, either that or come to the realization that the rest of us reached ages ago, which is essentially that just because your father had talent does not actually guarantee that you have one tiny iota of anything resembling it. Whichever comes first, I'm not fussy.