Invasion Of The Knuckle-Draggers

Yeeah - hah! Well, there's a black boy called Barack Obama that's getting a little uppity and don't seem to know his place no more.

Isn't it nice to know that the rednecks who are still annoyed at not being cast as extras on the set of "Deliverance" will, like the poor and the rich, always be with us?

I'm talking about the half-assed assassination attempt on Mr. Obama last week. "He don't belong in political office. Blacks don't belong in political office. He ought to be shot", said one of the loony-tunes involved.

Obviously a deep political thinker. Where do they find these guys?

Well, let's go through them one by one, shall we?

Specimen One: the hilariously named Shawn Adolf, who wears a swastika ring (you're really used more to deep undercover work aren't you, Adolf) just looks like the kind of joke Aryan Supremacist that probably has those good old boys laughing their heads off behind his back while loading him with weaponry.

Next up, step forward Nathan Johnson, who began bleating like a baby and immediately naming his partners. Admitting to be being a methamphetamine user - as you do - the unemployed truck driver said the bigger boys made him do it.

I don't have a clue what that drug does to you but one look at Nathan and I just know I'll be sticking to beer.

Apart from looking inbred Nathan, my man, get something done with those ears.

They look like an unmanned cab with both doors left open. Also, please, for the sake of what is left of your dignity, if you can't grow a beard then don't grow it, you would-be murderous clown.

Whatever happened to the days when White Supremacist fools at least were handsome, blue-eyed and blonde haired? What is the world coming to?

Then we come to Tharin Gartlett, in whose car they found the guns that they intended to use in the killing of the Presidential candidate.

God love you, I know that you're trying to look really scary as you stare into the camera, but if you wanted to be a blonde boy couldn't you have had a decent job done?

The little bits of blonde, mixed with the black eyebrows just don't do it... boy.

I'd love to know who the guys behind these congenital imbeciles are because these characters certainly couldn't be the "brains" in their botched operation.

I think that if you found a couple of brain-cells rolling around amongst the three of them they would certainly be lonely little brain-cells, probably looking for company and wondering why the devil you would want to waste a man because of the colour of his skin.

I would love to get through to these guys, but it's probably a waste of words as I have no idea and sincerely doubt if they can read, unless one of their daddies is reading "The Turner Diaries" to them.

Likewise I have no idea whether or not Obama will make a good President or not - although personally I like him - but to kill a man because he has a different colour?

Grow up and don't be a slave to whoever is feeding this hate to you, you damned idiots.

Scrape your ape-like knuckles off the ground, walk upright and start thinking for yourselves.

That's just a suggestion. If you feel intimidated because he has more charm and morals than you then talk about it without bringing out the sniper rifles.

As to our own crowd over here, we have Bertie Ahern, the man pushed out of office because he explained - kind of - that the unexplained loot he was being questioned about at a tribunal came from " betting on the horses".

You can imagine how much that, uh, fact added to the gaiety of the nation.

His ex-girlfriend Celia Larkin was rather nicely appointed to the National Consumer Agency in 2005 (no, I don't want to know what they do either) and was at pains to say at the time: "This is a purely voluntary position and that needs to be pointed out".

Oh dear. When you hear "voluntary" and "pointed out" in the same sentence you just know that Johnny Taxpayer is being led around in circles by that ring that they've just put through his nose.

She has of course now earned a total of €29,527 in fees, including four thousand in expenses.

In fact the board members - and no, I still don't want to know what they actually do, if anything - have now notched up €330,000 and, as the actress said to the bishop, it's still rising.

A little nepotism never hurt anyone, except the taxpayer of course, but still you have to admit it's nice work if you can get it.

When these people lie straight to our face do they think that we've never heard of the Freedom of Information Act?

No, probably not. After all we prove to them election after election what sub-normal eejits we are by voting them in time after time.

Still, hard work it most definitely is. After all, Ms. Larkin attended five whole board meetings but Bertie Ahern's ex is still entitled to collect a fee for the ones that she didn't put in an appearance for.

I'm definitely in the wrong job. Still, it's given me an idea. Maybe I'll have ago at asking the editor to pay me for articles I don't write plus hotel and travelling expenses.

Yes, I think that laughter you hear in the background is him, all right.