All That Glitters Is Not Gold - Especially In This Case

By Charley Brady

Well, I guess we'll be welcoming him to Ireland in no time.

The stomach-churning images of smirking, smug Paul Gadd, who at one time was known as Gary Glitter and now is searching for a country that would want to have the convicted paedophile insect accept him practically assures us of that.

We seem to have adopted an open-door policy of taking in every slithering slug who comes knocking on that door.

But hey, that's okay because as long as you're a guy who spent three years in jail for abusing ten and eleven year olds but still has £6 million in the bank we're the Ireland of the Welcomes.

I hope I'm wrong but expect to see his loathsome self and his stupid-looking goatee beard arriving at a terminal soon.

This whining beast, who is refusing to even sign the sex offenders' register in Britain - a new one on me as I didn't think it was possible to just simply refuse - will undoubtedly eventually be thinking of Ireland.

Apart from his terrible crimes against children he just has one of those faces that you would never tire of punching.

What a horrible creature. And that's before you even touch on his crimes against music.

And on the subject of musicians, whatever happened to Madonna?

I used to admire her verve and sassiness but since she married that wannabe hard man Guy Ritchie she's just gotten plain weird.

There's nothing wrong with being weird, but being a hypocrite as well, as she was at that ludicrous Live Earth concert takes her out of the picture altogether.

We'll leave aside the ridiculous overtraining that has given her those frightening sinewy arms and lost her those gorgeous curves that she once had and now looks like a bloke in drag.

We can even leave aside the horrific thoughts of herself and Guy the hard jaw poncing around the place in their little white robes at their ridiculous Kaballah meetings with the rest of the clowns that don't know what to do with their money.

What irritates me most is the fact that she was lecturing a bunch of idiots who had paid into that concert in order to "save the planet"; to teach them all about global emissions and carbon footprints (more nonsense - what are we going to do, stop travelling?) while she herself has two Range Rovers, a Mercedes, an Audi A8 and a Mini Cooper.

"Jump up and down if you want save the planet," she urged the audience.

Oh please, where do you start with that?

Needless to say, the brain dead eejits were immediately pogoing around as if it was 1974 and the days of the Punk Era all over again.

The only thing that really surprised me about that useless waste of a day was that Bono wasn't doing a duet with her, bouncing around on his stilts and screaming at us to get out the loot, put it into his little tin bucket and solve world debt.

Oh, sorry, I forgot. He was probably hanging out in the Mediterranean at the time.

Still, we did have the dreaded Phil Collins to make up for him; on the subject of Phil - the least talented but best rewarded ex-member of the rock group Genesis - I was heartbroken today to see that he has lost a total of €53 million over his three ex- wives.

There just may be a God after all. Then again, if there was he would have had to cough up more.

He deserved to shell out that money just because... oh, well, I suppose just because it's him.

Reason enough. Case solved. And while I think about it, also because the man who talks to plants and has his butler put the toothpaste onto his tooth brush, Prince Charles of the House of Windsor is his number one fan. Jesus wept. You couldn't make it up.

Meanwhile Guy or should I say Mr. Madonna, being the wannabe hard case that he is, is wandering around their estate with his little shotgun, shooting birds so that he can feel like a man.

I have to tell you, Mr. Madonna, I'm impressed all over the place. Really.

So now Madge is off on her "I'm Fifty But I Don't Look It" tour - and the emissions that she was SO DISTRAUGHT about will come to more than 1,635 tons of pollution in travel itself.

She's also taking 250 personnel with her. Uh huh. I'm still really very impressed. And yes, it's that new thing called sarcasm.

I'm sure I'll have some imbecile bleating to me that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but save yourself the trouble because I like it and unless you have an original thought in your head then please just don't bother, all right?

Listen, if I had the loot that Mr. Madonna's wife has I'd be doing the same, but don't be so two-faced about it.

Save the planet, how are you? Maybe yourself, Al Gore, Bono and Geldoff should get a gig together.

I just know that you will all live happily ever after. Right there at The Magic Faraway Tree, just left of the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

And we'll be happy just knowing that the planet is safe.

And you lot aren't in it.

And this just in: the continuing adventures of our beloved ex-leader Bertie Ahern and his ex-girlfriend Celia Larkin, of how they are still managing to get their hands on our hard-earned cash and have a really good laugh at what gullible fools they take us for.

Stay tuned next week. Same bat-time, same bat-channel!