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Tuesday August 13, 2008
The Premier League Preview
The Examiner's Thoughts On The Upcoming Season's Winners, Whiners and Wannabes
Arsenal
Last Season: 3rd
You can't really go out and buy a Rolls Royce and then fill it with paraffin. In their haste to build a state if the art stadium the Gunners are now paying the price and not paying the price for players as the money available pump seems to have lost its handle. Arsene Wenger still has the mercurial Fabregas and has added Samir Nasri to run on the right in place of the Barcelona bound Alexander Hleb, so not much has changed. They'll still be hoping for a piece of silverware in the shape of the FA Cup.
Most like: George Clooney.
Continually look good and charm but don't pick up the big awards every year.
PREDICTION 4th
Aston Villa
Last Season: 6th
Last term Martin O'Neill had a squad that was a thin as a modern day rasher albeit with a double cut piece on the end in the shape of Gareth Barry. The Irishman has added to the squad this summer and he has a knack of turning mediocre players into teams that are very difficult to beat. Expect Villa to do enough for a UEFA Cup spot but not enough to be sitting with the big boys at a full breakfast.
Most like: Peter O'Toole.
Wonderful in days gone by but now accept the role of elder statesmen and occasionally dribble.
PREDICTION 7th
Blackburn Rovers
Last Season: 7th
If someone offered you a horse with three legs you wouldn't be running off to get your Kentucky Derby entry forms but with one leg less than the aforementioned nag Robbie Fowler has arrived in Blackburn. The new Guv'nor Paul Ince rescued Macclesfield and then led MK Dons to the League Two title but having waved goodbye to David Bentley he now has to face some of Europe's finest thoroughbreds with the Budweiser Clydesdales and Roque Santa Cruz.
Most like: Naomi Campbell.
You know you are going to get a good kicking when they get frustrated.
PREDICTION 12th
Bolton Wanderers
Last Season: 16th
An acorn is not an oak and Gary Megson is not Sam Allardyce. Bolton will join the ever more desperate pack at the bottom in a scrap for survival, but survive they should. Gone is the overly enthusiastic masticator El-Hadji Diouf, and in comes the Swede, Johan Elmander, who no doubt will score goals. Problem is their defense is as brittle as the Georgian border on the opening day of the Olympics.
Most like: Laura Bush.
Hangs around with the powerful and wealthy though no real reason to be there.
PREDICTION 17th
Chelsea
Last Season: 2nd
If Roman Abramovic wants success with flair he'd have been better off paying Elton John to write him a Number One hit. New boss Luiz Felipe Scolari had better win or he'll be off quicker than a Russian mortar on Tibilisi. The addition of Jose Bosingwa and Deco will help but the Portugal international is fond of, dare I say it - diving - and will drop faster than even the accomplished free faller that is Didier Drogba at the mere glimpse of a challenge.
Most like: P. Diddy.
Outrageous flashing of the cash but no real grasp of aesthetics. More fun to watch a blank sheet of white paper laying on a white rug in the snow.
PREDICTION 2nd
Everton
Last Season: 5th
As of now David Moyes hasn't signed anyone and he has punted Andy Johnson to Fulham so the only real source of attack will come from Yakubu. More inventiveness in a shopping trolley and ironically their recently denied planning permission for a new stadium included a Tesco supermarket. Special offers in aisles two and three then but little to offer in the glamour department.
Most like: A Bread bin
Serves a purpose but not much to look at. Contents go stale with time.
PREDICTION 10th
Fulham
Last Season: 17th
Roy 'Houdidni' Hodgson went crazy in the off season and signed 10 players to grace or mow the grass at the Cottage depending on who you talk to. If Jimmy Bullard stays he may well help them stay up and the addition of Bobby Zamora may add a touch of fashion flair to their overall clad, workmanlike style of play.
Most like: Ringo Starr
Utterly talentless but keep banging on like the Energizer Bunny.
PREDICTION 15th
Hull City
Last Season: Promoted
Due to its port, Hull played a major part in bringing syphilis to Britain and indeed most of Europe. That is the only time you will read 'Hull' and 'Europe' in the same sentence. Messiah Phil Brown has taken Hull to the highest reaches of English football for the first time ever and come next May will be the first ever Hull manager to be relegated from the highest reaches of English football. On occasion new signings George Boateng and Geovanni will have the Hull fans out of their seats but then, it being Hull, a ferret in the trousers could co the job quicker and for less than a season ticket.
Most like: The Macarena
Seemed like a good idea after 10 pints but would have been better off taking your granny out to dance.
PREDICTION 20th
Liverpool
Last Season: 4th
Robbie Keane has replaced Peter Crouch in the same way you would replace a 50 Watt light bulb with a 50 Watt light bulb. Keane should be shooting arrows into The Kop next season or maybe that should read Keane had better be shooting arrows into The Kop next season or the arrows will be coming the other way. Rafael Benitez has put all his eggs in the newly married Keane basket in the hope that the Irishman and Torres hit it off, oh, and Harry Kewell is off to Galatasaray, surely the best move of the off-season.
Most like: Liverpool
The European City of Culture this year. Cosmopolitan, dynamic and eclectic with that lingering scummy element.
PREDICTION 3rd
Manchester City
Last Season: 9th
Eastlands is now the home of the $38m hot-headed Brazilian striker named 'Jo' which could make it interesting as manager Mark Hughes has about as much knowledge of forward play as a French infantryman. Thai owner Dr. Thaksin Shinawatra is in all sorts of legal trouble and this may impact on the playing surface in the same way as draining the pool during a water polo game might. Hughes will tough it out because he is that sort of guy but he won't be causing too much concern to the other half of Manchester.
Most Like: Daniel O'Donnell
Tons of fanatical fans but you are lucky if you get them to admit it.
PREDICTION 9th
Manchester United
Last Season: 1st
Ronaldo has decided he won't throw his toys out of the pram again for at least the upcoming season but surely the red half of Manchester must be giving thought to what happens then. Sir Alex Ferguson hasn't signed a single player so confident is he that his charges are the best in not only the EPL but also Europe yet it is his knowledge and passion for the game that seems all-important, he is. United are short up front, fix that and trying to get the Championship from them will be like fitting an alligator with bi-focal sunglasses.
Most Like: A full body cast.
Makes you feel bloody uncomfortable but you know it's for you own good.
PREDICTION 1st
Middlesbrough
Last Season: 13th
A smattering of new faces will help Gareth Southgate maintain the status quo at the Riverside but nothing more. New signing Marvin Emnes is as fast as they come and last season's addition Afonso Alves will have Boro fans as breathless as they were when they left their sisters bedroom that morning. Southgate never looks comfortable in post match interviews he just doesn't look suited to the job and may find relief as an upholsterer for Vauxhall if he picks up his pink slip.
Most like: A Vase
Always in the middle of the table and after a while you forget it's there.
PREDICTION 13th
Newcastle United
Last Season: 12th
Hands up who would give jailbird Joey Barton another chance. Anyone... Anyone? Ah Mr. Keegan. Fresh from a stint at Her Majesty's pleasure after a lager and Chicken McNugget fuelled early morning fracas Barton has been fed the fatted calf and welcomed back to Geordie land. Keegan is a bluffer and not a very good one at that, he talks a good game, spends other people's money and has a huge squad but The Magpies need more and it's not going to come in the shape of 57 year-old schoolboy Michael Owen.
Most like: Wednesday afternoons
Not inspirational enough to make a mouse eat cheese.
PREDICTION 11th
Portsmouth
Last Season: 8th
Harry Redknapp's men are off to Europe this season and will surely threaten in the same way as Luxembourg declaring war on Germany. Do we love Harry because he seems to have been able to turn a small provincial club into a decent Premiership side or do we loathe him because he reminds us of the guy who sold us that dodgy iPod for $50? Peter Crouch has been signed to play alongside Jermain Defoe and Pompey as always look to be pretty sound defensively.
Most like: An Oreo Cookie
Soft in the middle but hard to beat.
PREDICTION 6th
Stoke City
Last Season: Promoted
Tony Pulis has kept faith with the team that came up from the Championship in the same way you are reluctant to get rid of an old pair of comfy sneakers. Dave Kitson has been added but you can't build a house with one brick. Winger Liam Lawrence is the hero at Stoke and may be the only player to be in the EPL this time next year.
Most like: Joan Rivers
Unattractive and even more so up front.
PREDICTION 19th
Sunderland
Last Season: 15th
Roy Keane managed to keep Sunderland in the EPL and for that he must be applauded especially since they lost quite a few games but the narrowest of margins. Pascal Chimbonda, El-Hadji Diouf and Steed Malbranque are recognizable names that have been added to the squad and if Keane can remember some of those hair straightening motivational speeches from his time with Sir Alex Ferguson and Kenwyne Jones hits the back of the net, The Black Cats should still be around next May to enjoy their summer holidays.
Most like: Penne Pasta with vodka sauce
Wonderful at first but you never clear the plate.
PREDICTION 14th
Tottenham Hotspur
Last Season: 11th
After having a great pre-season and lifting the Carling Cup last term, Juande Ramos has the Spurs fans smiling again in a way not seen since the days of The Two Ronnies. With Robbie Keane gone to have his car left on blocks in Liverpool, the key might be holding on to Dimitar Berbatov. Add to this the arrival of David Bentley, Giovani dos Santos and Luka Modric and Tottenham should be playing with all the gay abandon of The Village People and they just might break the top four on occasion.
Most like: A box of chocolates
Some gorgeous ones with others that leave you ill.
PREDICTION 5th
West Bromwich Albion
Last Season: Promoted
Curtis Davis has gone for good, Kevin Phillips has gone though no one will notice outside the Black Country and Tony Mowbray has been busy adding Roman Bednar, Scott Carson, Luke Moore and the rock that is Gianni Zuiverloon in what should be a hopeless attempt to keep Albion up. A likable boss and club, but like the price of shares in Bear Sterns, not enough to escape free-fall.
Most like: KFC
You wonder why you bothered.
PREDICTION 18th
West Ham United
Last Season: 10th
The bookies have Alan Curbishley as firm favorite to be the first EPL manager to be fired this season and it is hard to see why unless fans of the Hammers think they should be competing against Milan and Barca on a regular basis. Valon Behrami cost £5m from Lazio and looks over-priced at half that and other new signings won't exactly have many shaking in their Predators. Most will depend on the fitness and form winger Julien Faubert and the ever newsworthy Craig Bellamy.
Most like: Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
You can ask "Who's on first?' as often as you like, it won't be them.
PREDICTION 8th
Wigan Athletic
Last Season: 14th
If balls of steel won the EPL then manager Steve Bruce would have a few already for his time at Birmingham. Bruce will be in a scrap for survival again but he has been down this road so often he now knows more about it than the driveway of his own home. New arrivals from, you guessed it, Birmingham in the shape of Daniel De Ridder and Olivier Kapo and Lee Cattermole from Middlesbrough should mean that Bruce will be figuring out how to stay up in 2009/10.
Most like: A rubber nightstick
Ineffective and a waste of effort.
PREDICTION 16th
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