The Secret World Of Jim Corr

Going with the last question first, Jim explained that he had ordered it from ebay and found that it worked wonders for the X-ray emissions that he is constantly bombarded by from people who are afraid that he has stumbled-after years of 'research' - onto a globe-encompassing, hideous truth.

Now he's looking for something to dampen the effects of the massive amounts of fluoride that is being pumped into the reservoir in the Dundalk area where he lives. As some members of the press were heard to mutter, "That might explain a lot."

This scenic area can be reached by going straight on past the Magic Faraway Tree and pausing at the foothills of the Big Rock Candy Mountain, where the attentive visitor can admire the dense UFO activity for which this area of Ireland is justly famous.

One reporter from CNN asked him if he was by any chance related to Lobsang Rampa or David Ickey. Jim thought for a moment before replying that he would rather not comment on that but that he wished to emphasise that he welcomed questions from all media members who were not giant lizards in disguise.

Just, in fact, like poor old Queen Elizabeth who not only is head of International Freemasonry but also is, like the rest of her family, a giant lizard (and in the case of Prince Andrew we can believe it).

He went on to say that he was extremely tired after his trip to the planet Venus, but that it had been an exhilarating experience.

To gasps of awe and admiration Jim took us through the techniques on astral projection that he had learned at the feet of the High Dalai Lama during his secret visit to Shangri-La, hidden deep in the mountains of the Himalayas, safe from Chinese rule and the Olympics.

We listened enthralled as he went on to tell us how his astral form was welcomed onto the planet's surface by Lobsang Rampa himself, who went on to introduce him to several deceased members of the Illuminati - the deeply secretive society that, like the Freemasons and their secret handshakes, everybody knows about.

Indeed, these societies are so jealous of their hidden truths that the diligent researcher has to go to the trouble and expense of looking them up on the Internet or buying a cheap paperback in their local bookstore by giving the correct secret gesture and sentence, i.e., holding the book aloft and saying: "How are ye, missus? How much for this aul' thing?"

Almost afraid to breath lest we miss one word of heavily-researched wisdom, we heard how Jim then shook hands with seers and mystics of the past, many of them leaders in their own right: Jesus, Mohammed, Madame Blavatsky, Buddha, David Uckey, Elvis Presley and many others.

Keen as we were to find out what might have taken place on that far-off planet, Jim let us know that he had places to be. Was it an important debate on the existence of angels? Was it an X-Files convention? We may never know and who can tell? We may be the poorer for it.

All we know is that Jim Corr, fearless campaigner for Truth, removed his tin foil hat for a moment, thanked Mel Gibson's father for his unwavering belief in the validity of his 9/11 theories and, bathed briefly in the sunlight, he was gone. Stopping only to partake heavily of the free Valium with which we were plied, we too left the building - wiser people.

What has caused Jim Corr to come out with some of his utterances lately? Shed loads of money leading to waaaaay too much time on his hands? Being ignored as a member of the band for too long? (I loved the French and Saunders spoof where they're dressed up as the female band members, singing away while a tiny Jim pogoes up and down in the background, squeaking "I'm Jim!" and trying to elbow them out of the way.)

More likely he simply BELIEVES the old guff he's coming out with. He told the Irish Sunday Tribune: "There are a large number of secret societies in our government, we certainly know that. The push towards global government totally correlates with the Freemasonic agenda. The way it works is that once they see a rising star, let's say a politician, they're approached, as a couple of my friends have been approached, because they would see you as an asset to the brotherhood. Tony Blair is a 33rd degree Freemason. That's fairly common knowledge. Sure the Queen is grand patroness of the World Freemasonry. Silvio Berlusconi is a high level Freemason. President George Bush is a member of the Skull and Bones, the Yale secret society, which is an off-shoot of the Freemasons."

Firstly, I'm pretty critical of our useless government, but secret societies within it? Would they have the brains to form one?

These friends of Jims' who have been approached -- any chance of them coming forward and corroborating his story? Was it Lobsang Rampa; was it David Stickey the Giant Lizard visionary? It couldn't have been Bono. He already has a global agenda: to make up for his lack of height. This by giving advice on everything except how to pay tax in Ireland.

The Queen of Britain connection? I thought that Masons were all blokes. "Common knowledge" that Blair's a 33rd degree whatsit? I didn't know and I doubt if I'm the only one who didn't. Bush, the Skull and Bones and the Mason off- shoot? Is this an Urban Legend?

As to his feelings of a conspiracy on 9/11 and the Twin Towers; you know, there's a few questions I would like cleared up as well.

However, as to Jim's outburst, I feel about this as I feel about the people who deny that Man ever landed on the Moon: how would you get so many people to keep their traps shut when TWO can't keep a secret for five minutes?

Actually, Robert Fisk put it better when being asked about the Towers: "I am the Middle East correspondent, not the conspiracy correspondent. I have enough real plots on my hands in Lebanon, Iraq, Syria, Iran, the Gulf etc. to worry about imaginary ones in Manhattan.

"...the Bush administration has screwed up everything - militarily, politically, diplomatically - it has tried to do in the Middle East; so how on earth could it successfully bring off the international crimes against humanity in the United States on 11 September 2001?

"Any military that can claim that al- Qa'eda is on the run is not capable of carrying out anything on the scale of 9/11."

And on that note I'm gone. I have it from impeccable sources - the Fortean Times and my Aunt Mavis - that the pet baby alligators that were flushed down the toilets in the 'sixties are now fully grown and because of their long existence in the sewers are blind albinos who are guarding a particularly potent crop of Magic Mushrooms.

I have an appointment in the New York sewers and don't wish to be disturbed all evening.