G'Day From Downunder

By Mike Bowen

Time for another cuppa, so I hope the kettle's on. Let's have some fun this week for a change - nothing serious.

There is nothing anywhere on this earth to compare with the Irish sense of humour. I don't care what anyone says, it tops the table. I know there have been lots and lots of English and American comedians but let's be honest almost everyone in Ireland is a comedian.

Let me tell you about some of the characters and their stories. A friend of mine who was a CIE tour bus driver was driving into Cork from Killarney with a bus full of American tourists. Just outside is the Carrigrohane 'Straight' Road. On the right hand side of that road entering Cork is the tallest building in Ireland and on the left hand side over the River Lee is the longest building in Ireland. The bus driver is speaking over the intercom. "Now ladies and gentleman you will notice on the right hand side of the road is this very tall building, well now that's the County Hall and it's the tallest building in Ireland." A voice from the second row responds, "we have one in New York that at least ten times taller than that." The bus driver replies "I'm sure you do sir, I'm sure you do."

"Now ladies and gentleman if you look over the river to your left you'll see the longest building in Ireland". A Texan voice shouts out from the fifth row, "hey mister we got one in Texas that would make that look like a washroom". The bus driver replies, "I'm sure you do sir, I'm sure you do, you see that is the old mental asylum."

Some weeks ago my young nephew in Cork, David Higgins to whom I'm very close, rings me up at some ungodly hour in the night (the difference between Ireland and the east coast of Australia is eleven or nine hours depending on daylight saving) he had been for a few beers, I could tell.

The conversation goes like this; "How's it going in Australia son" mind you I'm twenty five years older than him. "Yea I'm fine how are you?" "Have a bit of a problem, thought you might be able to help me out." "Yea sure - no problem," I reply. David continues "this is a bit embarrassing." "Go on" I tell him "spit it out." "Well its like this I was given two Viagra down the pub the other day by my buddy who said I should try and it would improve my romantic situation - are you following me?"

"Yea I'm with you. So what?" " Well the problem is I swallowed the two with my beer and my buddy was right. I had a fabulous night with the wife." So I ask him "what's the problem?" So David says "I have now just found out the two side affects, one is 'the other thing' is still erect and won't deflate and the second side effect is you see everything in blue or you get diarrhoea" So I ask him which one has he got? "Well I'm not ringing you from the toilet am I" he replies. I tell him to keep his chin up. "The chin is not the problem" Dave says it's the 'other thing' that I can't get down and everything is in blue". I tell him not to worry it should wear off in a couple of days. "That's all right for you to say I've got to walk around with this thing for another few days and I'm already bumping into things and I'm petrified of getting on the Fair Hill bus in case it's over crowded." I'm telling you Jerry Seinfeld would kill to have characters like him to write his scripts.

I am and always will be, a huge fan of the late wonderful John B Keane who wrote 'The Field' and many more plays and scripts. To me he was Ireland's master of humour and brilliant writer snubbed by the gentry in Irish Theatre in his early years, yet he virtually saved the Irish Theatre single handed in his later years and made those who snubbed him earlier eat Humble Pie.

Many a time I sat in his Pub in Listowel Co Kerry and gazed at the master unfold his genius on visitors and locals alike. He was a wiz with words and a master of humour. Together they were intoxicating to his audience. He acted the country buffoon but under the mask was a genius. On many a trip to his pub he took me on a magical mystery tour. That was before the Beatles ever knew what a magical mystery tour was.

In 1996 while in Ireland collecting Irish memorabilia for the Celtic Club here in Australia, I went to see John B's 'The Field' in Dublin. I kept the program from the show and travelled to Listowel to visit the great man only to be told he was confined to bed and gravely sick, but of course he would be only too happy to oblige by signing the program of 'The Field' for the Celtic Club. In fact John B actually lived until 30th May 2002.

Even in sickness he was still a man with a big heart and yet just an ordinary country man with a lot of time for everyone.

For those of you Irish Americans who migrated to the USA many years ago, you will remember the humour that was bandied about on the terraces of the many Football, Hurling and Soccer stadiums on Sunday afternoons. Every second character was a comedian, sometimes it was more fun listening to their comments than watching the game.

Flower Lodge in Cork was a classic for humour as was Turners Cross. A Munster final in Limerick was a definitely 'Don't Miss' and what about the old Cork and Kerry slagging matches that used to go on. I wonder how many of you remember the joke of the Cork man telling the Kerry man - "I heard that all you Kerry men answer a question with another question," the Kerry man replies, "who told you that?"

Then the Kerry man tells the Cork man the definition of a thrill seeker is a Cork man pushing a wheelbarrow to Dublin. I find the Irish humour priceless, never afraid to laugh at ourselves.

Now, most of you would know Finbar Furey, one of Irelands best Folk Singers who tells the odd one or two jokes. Well let me tell you, Finbar is a non stop joke teller and a teller of some classic yarns. From the time he gets up in the morning through breakfast, lunch and dinner, in the touring bus all day no let up. God only knows how he remembers them all!

Many a time I have travelled with him and The Furey's and almost split my sides laughing. Once in a place called Portmadoc in Wales the lads were doing a concert. Finbar invited me on stage to sing a song with them. He explained to the audience that I was over from Australia to spend some time with my father who was critically ill at the time and they invited me to spend a few days with them on tour just for a break. I will always be grateful to him and them for their kind gesture in such a traumatic time in my life.

Finbar walks side stage, puts his hand around my shoulder to lead me to centre stage then whispers in my ear, "Mikey he says," (he is the only one who ever call me Mikey) "Do you know what it was like for JC to walk on water?" The question confused me, so I put to the back of my mind.

We sang one of their classic hits "The Old Man" and then it was time to tell the audience the next song was the last, but if they wished to join us we would be in that lovely little Pub over the road after the concert. So the concert finishes. We all have a lazy refreshing drink in the changing room and then head for the lovely little Pub over the road.

As we emerged from the stage door the crowds where huge but they parted just like the sea in the movie 'The Ten Commandments' and we made our way to that lovely little bar. On entering, everyone and their dog bought us a drink. Finbar tells me this will be one of the Publicans busiest nights of his life. The Publican nods and confirms so Finbar puts his arm around me again and says "do you remember what I told you about JC?". "Sure Fin". "Did you see the way the crowd parted as we walked from the stage door to here? That's how JC must have felt" he says, "and don't forget always tell the audience where your going for a drink after the show 'cos just like JC you won't ever have to pay for a drink." "You know Mikey he never paid for his booze either 'cos he turned water into wine. Well, we turned the crowd into this pub and guess what free booze just like JC. This is walking on water. Touché". Finbar Furey - forever a character and never a dull moment.

Isn't Ireland amazing a little country with such a tragic history and yet such an ability by its people to be able to laugh at themselves and see humour in almost anything even at death. What about this for a dooozie? "You know what Paddy you wouldn't be dead for quids on a beautiful day like this now would you?'. "Ah sure it would depend how many quids you would be getting. If you were getting a lot you would have to consider it wouldn't yer"

The essence of the Irish sharing humour in their darkest hours hit me one day while in Derry in 1995 with Brendan Hughes known only as "The Dark" Brendan was in the forefront of the troubles in Northern Ireland when the Issue was at boiling point. Brendan some friends and I were having a few quiet shandies and conversations when the two comedians who were doing the entertainment for the night started off. Now remember this is tension time in Northern Ireland. One says to the other "I saw Brendan Hughes over there at the bar earlier." "No," says the other guy, "I thought he was dead." "So did I" said the other! "John told me the other day that Hughie's was dead and went up to heaven and spoke to Saint Peter at the gate." "Awesome, you must be joking" "No mate!" "What did Saint Peter say?" He told 'The Dark' you can't come in here after all your antics." " Sh.. He was brave saying that to 'The Dark' wasn't he?". " What did 'The Dark' say?" "He told St Peter he didn't want to go in anway, they all had five minutes to get out."

Now tell me, where else in the world would you get away with that kind of comment. Nowhere but Ireland!

May we always have the good sense to see humour in everything.

Be kind to those who love you.

Slainte from Downunder.