Heart Attack

By Anne Marie Scanlon

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Oh, no actually that's Christmas. Valentine's Day can be the most wonderful time of the year yet conversely it can also be the most miserable. It all depends on whether you are dating/in a relationship or not. Now, for those of you who are single at this time of year don't for a second think that those that are attached are in any way home free. Far from it. Far from it indeed. In many ways if you are single you are in a far better position than the girls who have a fella. Why? Well your expectations of what will happen on Valentine's Day are realistic. No fella = no expectation of a card, no expectation of a bunch of exorbitantly priced flowers arriving at the office, no expectation of being showered in gifts, no expectation of a romantic meal, and no expectation of being presented with a box of chocolates the size of a small Polynesian island. The formula is very simple. No Expectations = No Disappointments. Then there's the potential bonus - if you do actually receive a card, or a gift, flowers or chocolates, or an invite out, its all the nicer for you because you weren't expecting it. Compare yourself, oh you lucky single girl, to the woman who has thrown in her lot with the chap of her dreams (or the closest she could get at any rate). Chances are that, for her, the day will end in tears.

You won't find me saying this often but I really do feel sorry for fellas at this time of year. There are just too many ways guys can screw up. For the boys let's go through this step by step. First - the card. God be with the days when it was only a card you had to worry about - these days it's just the start of the pressure-fest that is V-Day. Guys you must send a card. If you are mailing said card make sure you mail it in plenty of time. I'd go so far as to mail two cards - just to be on the safe side. Trust me on this, if that card doesn't arrive on or shortly before Valentines Day, it doesn't matter what you do afterwards - shower her in diamonds or smother her in truffles, her day is ruined and she will tell you that - repeatedly.

Three - the present. Yes, I know, most fellas are starting to feel the monetary pinch by now. Present, he's saying to himself, didn't I send two cards and have an unbelievably big bunch of blooms delivered to her office. Do I really need to buy a gift as well? Unfortunately, if you want the night to go smoothly, if you want to indulge in intimate relations with your beloved and if you don't want to hear about how you ruined Valentines for the remainder of your relationship then yes, you do need to buy a gift. Just check out my suggestions below.

Four - the box of chocolates that could double as a raft in an emergency. No, the chocolates do not count as the present. Just as in Irish households the potatoes do not count as vegetables - they are just 'there', a given. Mind you, chocolate allegedly has aphrodisiacal qualities so the bigger the box and the better the quality the more chance of you receiving your reward on this earthly plane (where, in these circumstances, is exactly where you want to get it.)

Five - the fancy meal out. If you only recently started dating this could prove to be a problem as every decent restaurant in town is booked out. If you can't get in anywhere decent then cook it yourself (or pretend to). If you have secured a place in a restaurant bring your credit card and enjoy your meal because in order to pay for it you'll be on bread and water rations for the next couple of weeks (or indeed months). Don't even look at the prices - they are usually grossly inflated at this time of year and counting the cost will serve no other purpose than to make you miserable. By the same token, you must pick up the tab - look, don't get at me I didn't make up the rules I'm just imparting the information. Even if your girlfriend/wife/date offers to split the bill or pay for everything - don't let her.

Or indeed a girl might buy for herself either to dandify herself up for the big night out or just to pamper herself.

Valentines night is a great night for pampering yourself if you are single. You may as well; you sure as hell don't want to be out and about witnessing all the touchy-feely lovey-doviness of it all.

A lovely long soak in the bath should be enough to take your mind of the daily grind and the stresses of single life. Aveda Caribbean Therapy Bath Soak ($24) is a beautiful treat for anyone. I would recommend this to girls who are preparing for a big V-Day date only I'd worry that they might not get out of the bath and I'd be responsible for wrecking their relationships. It is utterly gorgeous stuff, smells great and helps you to unwind - maybe a bit too much but unless you have something more pressing to attend to then why not stay in the bath.

When it comes to bath products and wonderful smellies there is one name that is sure to be uttered - Jo Malone. God, I just love Jo Malone bath oils. I love them. I love everything about them. The way they smell, the way they feel in the bath, the way the aroma lingers to my body, the way the scent from the bathroom permeates throughout the house and leaves every room smelling great.

If roses don't do it for you there are several other wonderful Jo Malone bath oils including the new Pomegranate Noir and my own personal favorite Lime, Basil and Mandarin. As they say on Big Brother you decide.

If you are getting ready for a night out (and not just Valentines) then Qtica Smart Spa Lime Zest Foaming Hair & Body Wash ($10) will get your senses on full alert before you leave the house. This stuff is great. Never mind the night out, try it first thing in the morning to get yourself going and get a good start to the day. The complementary Body Lotion ($12) will leave your skin and senses tingling are raring to go.

If you feel like letting your fella share your bath then the pair of you could celebrate Valentines Day with the aptly named Falling in Love perfumed, romantic, shampoo, bath & shower gel ($22) from philosophy. If you do let him into the sanctity of your bath you might well want to share your Philip B Chocolate Milk Body Wash ($32) with him. Then again you might not. You could use this as a test to see how much you like a boy. Is he bath-worthy? Then when he makes it as far as the bath, is he Chocolate Milk-worthy? Unfortunately girls, I know from personal experience, there are few boys that are bath-worthy and even fewer that you'd waste your Chocolate Milk on.

So if you find one you want to let in on the Chocolate Milk secret - hang on to him. And don't give him a hard time if he slips up on one of the Big 5 elements of a successful V-Day.

After a long soak it's a good idea to lather on the body lotion. Aveda Caribbean Therapy Body Crème ($26) with Caribbean mango and lime is just as lovely as the Bath Soak and has a delicate fragrance that won't overwhelm you, him or half the population of the restaurant where you dine.

I know I'm repeating myself but honestly it can't be said enough. Girls - and fellas too for that matter, when it comes to putting on scent (or aftershave) above all else remember - GO EASY.

You might be reading a book, you might be indulging in a pleasant little day dream about winning the lotto or the heart of David from the flat next door, or you might be having a wee snooze. Whatever you are doing/thinking you are relaxed, peaceful and happy. You can hear the waves and the gulls and on occasion the joyful sound of a small child laughing. Ah bliss. Then, some eejit parks himself on the sand beside you, places his ghetto blaster in the vicinity of your head and starts blasting out thrash-metal or solid gold country or whatever his music of choice is. Your reaction? Well, quite justifiably you want to kill him.

Well it's the same with overdoing the scent. It is imposing your taste on the population at large and as we all know what is Dior's Poison to one girl is simply poison to another. Speaking of perfume, seeing as it's the day that's in it Clinique Happy Heart ($49.50 - 3.4 fl oz, $37.50 - 1.7 fl oz) is the appropriate scent to don. The Happy Heart line also includes a Body Wash and a Body Cream. So whether you decide to go out or stay in on V-Day make sure that you have a little bit of luxury - there's nothing wrong with loving yourself.

Note to the boys - any of the products mentioned above will pass muster as a V-Day's pressie.