G'Day From Downunder

Mike Bowen With all The Latest From Irish-Australia

The U2 Juggernaut circus hit Australia like a hurricane, fast, furious and electrifying and why not? Aren't they the best band in the world? Non barred. Gifted musicians at their craft for more than two decades. I don't think there is a thing left for them to prove to anyone on this earth. Their records (excuse the pun), speak for themselves.

Not only have they achieved everything in music they have also extended the hand of humanity to many a cause in need. You would think by now it's time for them to slow down and maybe step down a gear or two. Certainly not! They are like good wine, the longer they are around the better they get. Nothing less than full throttle from our Irish lads! They sure made my heart pump. They work very hard at their craft and by God it shows. Not one bum got to sit on its seat at their shows. With all that energy you just could not sit down. The excitement was at fever pitch. May they strut the world's stages for many years to come! They did Ireland proud as they always do.

Australians flocked in their hundreds of thousands to witness the spectacle and experience the magic sound that is U2.

The boys were offered the keys to the City of Melbourne by the Lord Mayor along with the Irish Australian Chamber of Commerce. Sadly and to our great disappointment their schedule left no time for them to accept the honour.

The big news here in Australia this week is the humble 'Aussie Pie'. Yep, the good old Aussie Pie. Australia is about to invade the USA armed only with the Pie. Laugh if you will but this is a very serious matter Downunder. The icon of the Australian gourmet is heading your way. This humble little culinary delight is part of Australian culture - an institute unto itself. No doubt you, my friends, have your famous brands in the US such as Levis; and let's be honest has any of us not owned a pair or two in our lives? Back in the good old days in Ireland you wouldn't be found dead in anything other than Levis, the celebrated product of Levi Strauss.

Of course you've also got your Bud, McDonalds and a string of other famous brands. Aussies have their Pie, locally known as 'Four N Twenty'. As I have explained in my recent columns Aussies sometimes have a strange way of expressing themselves and stranger ways. I honestly can't give you an explanation as to why they called their gourmet delight 'Four N Twenty'. "Why not just Aussie Pie?" you may ask. Well it's just the Aussie way of making simple things difficult.

What is the purpose of this invasion? I believe the Aussies plan is to enter through the back door without knocking, believing they can convert every baseball, football and basketball fan to the Aussie pie. Therefore leaving the good old American hot dog to die on the vine - so to speak. What a national catastrophe that would be to Australia's No. 1 ally. The war is on - so be prepared.

Now should any of you be tempted to munch into this culinary delight be warned. It's usually served hot, very hot in a cellophane bag usually topped with tomato sauce. Not sure if this is to give it extra flavour or just some colouring to make it more visually attractive. You be the judge. I would strongly recommend that you wear heat resistant gloves in acquiring this little seductive appetizer. For if you don't you will soon be doing a much faster version of River Dance than Michael Flatley has ever been seen to do. It's also only fair to warn you that dignity flies out the window when scoffing down this Aussie masterpiece of heavenly delight. It has been known to run faster than Ned Murphy's greyhound. So make sure you wear a large baby dribbler to protect your shirt or jumper or whatever you may be wearing on that day. Because if you don't it will be assumed by the family when you arrive home from the football, or how ever you spent your day, that you consumed an over allowance of alcohol and somewhere along the way you had chosen to dine with animals on a farm rather that at the family table.

To be fair the pie has all the appearance of innocence to the naked eye. The Australians are hard and resilient and they have mastered the art of scoffing down this little beauty with one hand while quickly following it up with an ice cold Fosters in the other hand.

Now this has taken years to perfect, so don't think for one moment that this skill will become second nature to you overnight should you take up the challenge of indulging in the famous Aussie Pie. So next time you go to the baseball if you don't want an Aussie Pie make sure the backdoor is locked. Are you with me??

Now moving on to a very pressing subject in Australia at the moment, 'The drought'. The brains that be tell us we are about to have the worst drought in a thousand years. Growing up in Ireland my only experience or understanding of a drought was not affording the price of a pint of beer. But I can assure you the catastrophe is zoncs away from a drop down at the local in Tralee where it only rains twice a week once for three days and then for four days. Little did we know growing up in Ireland how precious water was. After my many years in Australia I can assure you I know now, in just two words 'Liquid Gold'.

Well you can cast all that away when you think of Australia. There are parts of Australia where it hasn't rained for as much as five years. We in Victoria are on stage two of water restrictions and are expected to be on stage three sometime around Christmas this year. So if Santa is coming to Australia lets hope he brings rain. (Raindeer?)

Like the USA we are major world producers of wheat, of rice and of wines. Wool was the early foundation of Australian wealth, followed by meat production, especially beef and lamb. All these industries are devastated by lack of water from the skies.

This is no doubt going to affect many things other than agriculture. There's the horse racing, the football, golf and many other sports activities. While we city dwellers are inconvenienced it is only a shadow to what the poor farmers are about to go through and I'm sure this will be breaking point for many of them, the poor buggers who have already been through the mill many a time.

Now I'd like to share with you a little dilemma or, depending on how you see it; a major dilemma in my own affairs. My wife and I decided to build our dream home on the lakeside in a place called Waterways in a beautiful environmentally friendly spot. No cats allowed to harm the bird life and dogs must always be on a lead so they don't interfere with the native wild life and fauna. I'm sure you get the picture, lake, wildlife and fauna. OK! So why am I telling you all this? I am telling you because I want to share with you the experience of building your own house. You may not have been through this process before yourself but if you have I'm sure you could very easy relate to this situation.

Well let's begin with the purchase of the land. It's very hard to negotiate a good deal when you are already disadvantaged by your own weakness in loving the site you have chosen. Your smile and enthusiasm tells the seller you want to buy without even opening your mouth. Your body language says it all. So to you potential buyers don't let your body language give away your buying power.

I should have bought some lemons for my wife to suck on when we were purchasing. I purposely said some lemons because one would never have taken the smile off her face. Being the typical scrooge pokerfaced, stubborn Irishman that I am, no one was going to relieve me of my hard earned money easily.

Anyway, a compromise was eventually reached with the sellers and somewhere between her smiles and my pokerface we can now return to Ireland again next year with the monies saved.

Now we move onto the architect and plans for the new Taj Mahal. 'Architect' in this case is not a fair title to give this Wizard of Oz. An apt name doesn't readily come to mind and if it did it certainly wouldn't be 'Architect' - no siree'. But our blind enthusiasm persuaded us to employ this short witted 'master of the architectural craft' to design our dream home.

The second set of plans that was presented to us and submitted to the local council and regulatory bodies for building permits etc. The council noticed that the house was slightly too large for the regulation size of house to land ratio so a bit had to be chopped of one corner to make it fit. In short we lost a bit of our house, namely my home-theater room.

How am I doing so far, do I look like I have one foot or two in my mouth and I haven't even got to first base yet?

It then took the council another month to scrutinize and pass the plans. (I'm informed that this was real fast) I suppose it was in their minds. Enter the builder, from my experience usually the bad guy, but believe it or not, in this case he is the good guy. He is an extremely accommodating character, considerate, efficient and punctual! Isn't that a surprise!

His first job is to mark out the land and then dig out the foundations. After marking out the land in preparation he noticed 'no requirements on the plan re the sewerage' This is usually the first thing to be accounted for in drawing up plans. A slight oversight on the architect or 'whiz' whichever you would like to call him. So now I have the plan of a house with a little chopped off and no sewerage facilities.

Now this is beginning to look more like a Hollywood comic script than a simple plan to build a house by the lake. So its back to the respective council with new plans and a little more egg on our faces, along with some egg on councils face, after all didn't they take a month to scrutinize the original plans anyway. So another two weeks go by and we are back at the starting gates again.

This is where I have to fast track the story otherwise I will take up the entire space of the Irish Examiner and send you all to the mental asylum. So in short building a house in Australia, the USA or Ireland is no different; It is a test of patience and more patience. By the time the Taj Mahal is completed I will have enough material leftover to build a whole new suburb in Melbourne.

God give me patience I have gone back to saying five decades of the rosary every night before I go to sleep and I'm beginning to feel like I'm a hypocrite in God's eyes.

On many an occasion I have prayed that some day soon the architects Mom and Dad marry. Thank God I am still left with some sanity and hair after going through this exercise and it's not over yet.

The end of February or early March is the time that we are expecting to move into our new abode. I did say expect, mind you keeping my fingers crossed. So forgive me every now and again if I get a little lost. I have given you the explanation for my temporary insanity I'll keep you posted. Keep the kettle boiling and I'll be back again in a couple of weeks for a chat and remember to be good to those who love you.

Slainte from Downunder.