Page 12 - Irish Examiner USA

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12

2019 G’Day From

22nd,

May

| Downunder
EXAMINER Mike Bowen With all The Latest From Irish-Australia

IRISH s it just me that attracts as Ireland’s Don Juan in the late Olga in my best Russian which honest guy. All I had to do was telling me if I use such and such
I tried to explain to sweet
sixties and early seventies.
send him my bank details and I
face cream I will get my youth
unwanted emails, unsolicited
Iphone calls and having my let- Maybe those migrants then is zero that the language barrier would become an instant mil- back again, a bargain at any
terbox constantly filled with junk decided to document my past would be a problem as would lionaire. price. But what happens if I get
mail? Does anyone know who I deeds in letters to their lone- the fact that there was about Someone named Freda got my good looks back and my old
cantocomplaintosoIcangetmy some single female friends back forty years of a difference in our wind of my medical records legs can’t keep up with the
sanity back? home in the land of depleted ages. However, I did tell her and offered me a warehouse demand of all the young girls
When I turned on my com- nuclear bombs. not to give up hope, as there is full of Viagra tablets at a dollar chasing me?
puter last week, I thought I was I took it upon myself to always light at the end of the twenty a tablet; almost as cheap No problem, I can buy a
having a deja vu day. Some respond to one of the girls tunnel and if at any time in the as the ten tablets Moses got motorized buggy at a 30% dis-
years back I had a similar ava- named Olga, because that was future, should my wife decide from God. I’m definitely going count to escape the pursuers.
lanche of junk mail fill up my the only name I could pro- to move on because she found to contact Freda and accept her Of course, if I happen to be
computer and my mail box. Let nounce. someone more perfect than me offer, providing she doesn’t unlucky and get overrun by
me share with you, some of the I told her I was flattered that I would be only too happy to charge me for the shipping. In gorgeous young ladies, then
loony requests I received from she would give up everything reconsider her offer and I reality, there are not enough that’s something I will have to
those who send me emails. in her poverty stricken native hoped she would keep the pic- women in the world to justify suck up and live with.
I received a flood of emails village to warm my bed for me ture I sent her to use as a me buying a shipload of Viagra. However I better check first
from young Russian women and I was very touched that she screensaver for her computer. Then deja vu hits again to make sure that the cream on
offering me their hand in mar- would devote every second of As if all that wasn’t enough I when I went to check the mail their faces isn’t covering their
riage. They must all be related her remaining time on earth to turned my computer the next box. I had received a bundle of true identity, for they may also
to one and other as they all had making me happy. However I day to check my emails, again Bon Voyage cards and long be victims of this junk mail
the same story, only different told her there were a few points hoping there would be zero overdue bill requests. I never propaganda.
names. I was flattered when I that should be stated by me up inflow, only to discover anoth- accept bills or disgruntled let- I will write to Bill Gates and
opened the first email but when front as a point of honesty. er flood of requests. Ivan want- ters as I have them redirected ask him, is there any hope that
I got as far as the tenth I started First, I don’t think my bride of ed me to send him my bank to my next door neighbor, who before I go to sing with the
to get a bit suspicious. I know I many years would take too details so he and the bank can is a more tolerant type for that heavenly choir that sanity
had a bit of a reputation as a kindly to you taking her posi- check if they have my correct sort of mail than I. might return to my computer
young lad back in Ireland years tion in our matrimonial bed, details. I don’t know about you but and could he teach all comput-
ago but this is ridiculous. Then then there is the matter of who Then Lena wanted to know every time I go to the mail box ers to eat SPAM instead of
I thought, maybe the frenzied would hold the household if I want to buy some shares I have to take a wheelbarrow throwing it up on our desks.
romantic exploits of my youth purse, as my wife is not the that are going to quadruple in with me to carry all the junk I’m also going to forward
have now become folklore in kind of person who would the next two weeks. mail back to the house. If I laid Lena’s offer of quadruple
the backwaters of Russia. hand over anything to a Next in line was Boris who all the junk mail I receive in a shares to Bill, as he seems to do
Stories carried by Irish migrants stranger, unless they had a gun offered to share part of his year side by side I bet you I that sort of thing regularly.
to Russia, or maybe by the new to her head. The chances of twenty two million windfall would be able to wallpaper As for Boris and his gener-
wave of Russians coming to you ever getting any money with me just because some every house in Ireland and have ous offer of sharing his twenty
Ireland who heard tales in dark from my bride of many years, very respected business associ- some left over. If the volume two million I will inform him
pubs in West Cork or Dingle of would be harder than trying to ate of mine passed on my name of junk mail gets any bigger, that when I have spent my fifty
my debonair wandering ways teach a dog to play the fiddle. to him and I sound like any I’m thinking of taking on a full million, I will be in contact with
time person just to clear and him, as I would feel greedy if I
sort the junk mail for me and I were to put my hand in his
will have to have a much larger pocket now so to speak.
post box built, probably the For goodness sake who are
same size as the house to cater these mugs and how stupid do
for the amount of junk mail they think we are? I shouldn’t
that now overflows the current gratify those idiots by naming
one. them. Let’s just call them Do
No wonder we have very lit- Do’s. They must have the IQs
tle rainforest left in the world, of peas and that’s giving them
as I’m sure most have been too much credit. Ninety per-
relocated to the recycled paper cent of my mail is junk mail
bin in my backyard. from Mr Junk and no doubt
Anything you would ever delivered by... I suppose you
wish to buy is in one of these could call him or her a Junkie.
pamphlets, brochures or book- Am I the only one receiving
lets; everything from a pound all this rubbish or are you also
of sausages to an electric organ, inundated with this sort of non-
beauty products showing per- sense? I wonder.
fectly shaped dolly birds to pim- Until next time be good to
pled faced adolescent puberty those who love you and slainte
developing young boys, all from Downunder. C